Years ago, in grade 9 geography class, one of my classmates approached me and called me out for “trying to get everyone to like me” … yeah, I was “trying to get everyone to like me” by … *sitting in the corner on my phone all the time and never talking to anyone*? Almost makes me wonder what the response would’ve been if I *had* tried to be social – was I screwed either way? (To his credit, I was not talking to anyone out of fear of making a mistake and risking the possibility of someone not liking me…)
That brings me to my question: this sub and others like it decry “desperation” and say that in order to make friends one needs to “not want friends” and to “not care what others think about them”, yet it also says to “make sure your posture/wardrobe/hygiene/attitude/personality are good enough and never stop putting yourself out there”. Are those somehow not mutually exclusive? Is there a ridiculously simple answer I’m missing?
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Personally I think the truth is that 99% are so hung up on social appearance and status that they don’t think or give a shit about the actions of others unless they can use it to their advantage such as looking funny or being a social climber. Very nihilistic Ik but I think it’s the truth.
Social skills is about having the skills to be able to genuinely connect with somebody in any situation. It is not about making every single person your long lasting best friend (or significant other). Not everybody will like you. Not everybody will be interested in you. Not everybody will be your friend or stay your friend. In fact, you don’t even like everybody. Yes, it is true not all people are the same, but you still need to understand what it takes on average to genuinely connect with somebody. It is fine to want friends, but you need to understand how to become a friend in a natural way without being desperate.
There are baseline things that people consciously or subconsciously look for in determining whether they will engage with you. First, do you look approachable for a conversation ? Your appearance and body language tell it all. You don’t need to look your absolute best, but you still can’t ignore basic, controllable things such personal hygiene (by the way a common reason people tend to avoid others is because of poor hygiene). You don’t need to be so talkative and never be on your phone, but you still can’t do things like sit away from others and be on your phone isolating yourself and expect people to approach you. Secondly, people look at your confidence. Sure, you might get anxious at times, but you can’t be so anxious that you can’t hold a decent conversation with somebody else. You can’t be so anxious and dependent on people’s time, attention, validation, and approval that you need to emotionally react and chase and beg people to respond to your latest text message or hangout invitation. People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They gravitate towards those who feel worthy of themselves and those who bring positive vibes. Even better, they respect those who add value to their lives.
So I’m not saying to never want friends. I am saying a) you shouldn’t be depending your entire life around your friends and b) you still need to know what people on average look for in friends and make yourself naturally align with the baseline characteristics of a friend. Desperation is not one of those things people look for.
If I think someone is interesting then I’ll try to befriend them. I’m more likely to befriend people if I’m presentable and personable. Hygiene is important for that but that’s more for me than anyone else. Being gross is not being good to myself
A lot of it is for me more than it is for other people. I like feeling attractive. I like being able to talk to people. I like to have friends and doing fun things wit them
Even if I wanna befriend someone, it’s fine if they don’t wanna be my friend. Lot of other interesting people out there
I don’t think he was commenting on your actions. More about your mindset.