Last week, my dad decided to leave his abusive girlfriend of 12 years so he’s been staying with my boyfriend and I at our apartment. Throughout the week, my dad and I have been contacting his sister [62F] about his next steps, because my aunt and I came to an agreement that he would only stay with us for 2 weeks.
A lot of different ideas came about (him keeping his job vs leaving his job, renting a room in a house to keep said job, etc) and from the sounds of it, he wants to fully retire and not have to work. I get it, he’ll be 65 in July so he’ll get his Old Age Pension, but he never made very much at that job to begin with, and with how expensive the rent is around here right now, I don’t think he’ll be able to afford an apartment on his own.
My boyfriend and I want to buy a house, but the market is so hot right now that we wouldn’t be able to afford something that we actually want. My boyfriend has been looking at a house online for the past month or so that’s about 45mins away from where we work, and he showed that to my dad the other night. The house has a second smaller house on the lot which was probably a garage that they converted, and my dad said that he would live there and pay us rent. My dad has a very dry sense of humor, but according to my boyfriend he wasn’t joking.
My dad has had a lot of troubles with finances for his entire adult life, and he’s gone bankrupt 3 times. I don’t know if he has much of or any savings, because he didn’t do any planning before deciding to leave girlfriend, so it was more of a lucky chance for him that I live in the city.
It also sounds like his sister doesn’t really want him at her place either. She’s been doing a lot to help him though, like arranging for him to see some rooms for rent in the city here, booking his plane ticket, and looking for places to rent in her city, but it sounds like she doesn’t want him long term either.
I love my dad to death, but before I got this news I didn’t want him to stay more than two weeks anyway because he’s a very loud personality. As in, what he thinks is a regular speaking voice is practically yelling. He also talks for hours on end, and I’m not exaggerating. You’ll ask him one question and he’ll go off on a tangent about his uncle back in the 1950s, so it’s been very tiring not having any quiet time at home. His hygiene also isn’t the best. He came to stay with us on Tuesday night and I practically had to usher him into the shower on Friday because the bedroom was starting to smell.
I’m worried that he’s going to stay with his sister for a while (which might be less than a month knowing him), and end up back in our spare bedroom, which my boyfriend and I don’t want. My boyfriend figured out what he would say to my dad about renting from us (that we’re not comfortable with it and we would treat him as if he were a tenant), but I don’t know how I should approach the subject of him staying with us should it not work out when he leaves.
TL;DR: My dad is trying to convince my boyfriend and I to let him live with us long term.
34 comments
>he wants to fully retire and not have to work
Sadly, what he wants is not very relevant. Though the intent is not to judge, he does not get to make a muddle of his life, then just drop himself on your lap to take care of. Decide how much you are willing to help, and set boundaries.
“Hey dad, I love you, but at this point in my life I want to be able to live with my boyfriend and not my dad. I don’t want to make this awkward, but you can understand why. So I can help you find a place, but I’m sorry… you just can’t live with us.”
Check local laws, but you need him OUT of your house ASAP before he accidentally aquires tenant’s rights. Yes, even if he doesn’t pay rent and doesn’t have a lease. Because he doesn’t want to go anywhere. He’s moved right in and he’s got his eye on your “granny flat”. And it’ll take a court to get rid of him. And you’ll never have the courage. And it will wreck your relationship with him, and will wreck your relationshiop with your BF. And two more lives will be wrecked.
Yeah, what you’re guessing is probably going to come to pass. Maybe your BF’s idea of keeping him in a side house isn’t terrible, but all the other stuff are major factors that cannot be ignored. I mean, is he going to be reliable about paying and keeping up the place?
Plus as he gets older and older…
Is there really no one else he can move in with?
This is a reality so many of us are facing. Our parents made their decisions and now they’re unprepared for the world as it is today, with super high costs of living.
I know you went to help your dad, but before you do that check yourself. Time is THE most valuable asset when building wealth. You need to be investing into retirement and stocks. Your dad will live another 40 years but you’ll be alive for longer than that. So make sure you at least put money away for you.
You two haven’t bought a house and you’re not close to buying, so him moving into a house you don’t have will not need to be a discussion until you sign the dotted line.
He’s in a transitional phase atm after a relationship. You’ll have to eventually ask him what his plan is. Know your boundaries going in and help where you can, he will understand.
Bottom line, he might *want* to live with you – but that’s not the only option. And he doesn’t have to live with a relative. Dude can continue to work a job – even after he hits 65, even if feels like it’s his “right” to quit working. If the apartments in your area are too expensive – then it might make sense to look in other areas. Or he could rent a room rather than trying to get a whole apartment.
You need to learn to just say No.
Don’t say “We’re not comfortable and would treat you like a tenant.” That leaves the door open a crack. Say No. No. We’re not going to be your landlords.
It’s painful. It will be difficult. It might damage your relationships.
If he tries to come back in a month, say No. No. You’re not comfortable. You’re trying to move out of your small one bedroom. It’s not possible for you to happily and healthily have another body in it.
I know you’re looking for a magic solution that will keep everyone happy, but there isn’t one. Stop giving reasons. Stop expecting your logic to be accepted or respected. Just say No.
I think you have to find ways in which you are comfortable helping him, and be clear with what makes you uncomfortable. He seems to have made a lot of poor decisions in his life. I do not agree with a lot of people here who think that parents arent a child responsibility. I think that adult children are to some degree responsibile to help their aging parents. But only if that parent have been supportive back. Find ways to help him, don’t have any high expectations, but say NO if what he wants is making you uncomfortable! If he expresses entitlement and is picky, you don’t owe him to bend over backwards for his sake.
If he would retire, could he maybe afford a apartment on is own somewhere else/another city instead? Smaller towns or countrysides might be plausible?
I think this is going to become a sad reality for so many people. Third generation living is becoming a needed necessity for both older and younger. Younger people are losing access to housing and moving in w the only people they have access to w purchased housing—their parents. I work w many kids in poverty and in 90% of the situations the last people to be able to access purchasing a house were their grandparents, which is where everyone now lives.
You have the opposite situation and your father has acquired no wealth or housing and is coming to a point where he is unable to acquire any more wealth. He has everything he’s going to have. And yes, he made some poor decisions along the way but I also think this sub judges harshly. It’s entirely possible to work your entire life as a bus driver and never have accumulated decent savings. That’s just reality.
Because so many people are entering this reality at the same time, I would search to see if your area has a council on aging. They have caseworkers who are involved in networks of trying to fix this exact problem. He’s going to start being able to draw social security benefits and there is low income housing out there for seniors. Couple that w food pantries and meal deliveries and he might have enough to squeak by until his health gets bad enough and he gets dropped into some shitty state sponsored nursing home. Look into it.
Have the conversation about him not moving in with you *after* he’s gone to stay with his sister. Otherwise he may just refuse to leave, and given he’s been with you for a couple of weeks already, there’s a danger that he’s establishing rights so you can’t just kick him out without notice. Depends what country / state you’re in.
Then make it very clear that you’re not going to provide him with accommodation. It’s not even open for discussion.
Unfortunately, because you let him stay with you, he may no longer qualify for emergency housing. It’s possible that he can still throw himself at the mercy of whatever housing authority you have in your country, saying “I’ve just left an abuser, I’m homeless”.
He’s already been there 2 weeks? Looks like you have a new tenant champ, good luck.
I feel this!! My dad is visiting and it keeps dragging on. I’m going to have to actually ask him to leave Thursday morning if he delays any more. Many similar issues to yours, including the….sigh….odor issue.
What makes it worse is all the people guilting me because ‘he’s old and you don’t have much longer, you’re going to miss him someday.’
No help I’m afraid but commenting to show solidarity.
In my area, there is incoming based rentals for old folks, I got my dad out of the house this way. Worth looking into.
I have been through this with a parent. I was annoyed at first too but I started seeing it from their angle. He’s just left an abusive relationship, it’s very likely he is nervous and feeling depressed. He is also probably happy to be around you and out of the bad situation. He needs some TLC right now. Perhaps he hasn’t had anyone to talk to in years and is finally starting to heal. Bad hygiene and depression are often linked. My family member didn’t feel like showering much either but just be kind to you dad he needs some extra TLC at the moment. Please hug your dad and give him some time it is extremely difficult and painful to leave an abusive relationship and takes time to heal.
you havent even bought the house yet, and might not be able to buy it at all. I think he probably is very lonely and feels unwanted.
a job and independence could be very good for him!
if he continued to live with you and had no job and just moped about the house he would feel awful. life doesn’t stop at 65!
“Dad, we don’t want anyone living with us even you. Especially with all the complications that tend to arise in roommate situations. It would ruin our relationship and I’d rather have a decent father, daughter relationship than an angry ex roommate one. Please don’t try to talk me into it”.
Your boyfriend is the best. I just want to say that. He seems realistic and loving towards your family at the same time. Those of us who don’t come from picture perfect families really appreciate people like that. I’m second-hand grateful you have him !
Canadian here who works in social services.
Your dad is just about to be able to start getting his CPP and OAS (65). This means that he will also have access to getting the GIS benefit if he qualifies as someone “low income”.
He needs to apply for RGI seniors housing now (rent geared to income). These are apartment units specifically meant for low income or single income seniors. The wait lists are long here in Ontario and I’m not sure what they are like in NB, but likely the same.
Get ahold of your local Provincial social services office and/or senior care organization to see what the immediate options are, if he is leaving an abusive situation he may have priority over others and can be bumped up any wait lists. There are options out there, but it takes some digging. If you can get him a case worker, this will alleviate some of the work but it still requires some legwork.
He will stop paying rent if he ever lives with you, and even if he doesn’t, no amount of money is worth having the disruption and responsibility. He is not being fair to ask you to clean up his mess, he needs to be the adult that he is, and figure out his next steps. Not your aunt, you or your boyfriend, because it is none of your lives, it is HIS. He doesn’t get tk act all helpless and wait for everyone else to solve his problem and take care of him.
I am a parent of an 18 year old, and like the other parent here, I do not believe it is my child’s responsibility to care for me in my old age. It’s my job to maintain a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries and help my kid learn how to be self reliant and in charge of their life. And that isn’t in exchange for anything at the other end of my own life, since parenting this person was my choice, and everyone who comes into the world deserves the security of decent parenting the second they arrive. (They may not all get it, but I believe everyone deserves a good start.)
It’s my job to plan for retirement, and if there is a struggle, it is MY struggle. I will likely be caring for my husband who has Alzheimers running in the family (his grandmother, his father.) It’s what I signed up for getting married.
If you’re in the U.S., look into senior housing in the area he wants to live in. I know that, in my home town, senior apartments for low-income people over 60 can be had for as little as $400/month and that includes utilities (everything but internet). If your dad has been working all of his life and paying into Social Security, that sort of situation should be fine for him as it would still likely leave more than $600 for other spending for him. Depending on where you live, it might be more expensive than my rural home area, but most places have senior housing that is subsidized. Call your local Social Services people and talk to them about his needs and see what information they can direct you towards. He might be better off in senior housing than renting a room for many reasons, the least of which is you won’t have to house him yourself.
Your dad can’t afford to retire at this point in his life. He is 65, not 80. Retirement is a financial decision, not about age. He needs to secure housing and plan for the future. What can he afford monthly if he retires at 65. Where can he live. Do not shackle your future to him.
From personal experience, moving a family member in causes the most strain on your relationship you will ever bear. My ex moving her sister in pushed us to literal breaking point, the relationship ended after a few months of her being there
Op-if you have a child would you think it was ok to be financially irresponsible all your life and then just move in with your child and have her support you?
There’s a reason his sister doesn’t want him
I had a very similar situation. Hope this helps. It’s hard to throw family out, but it’s even harder to have them in your private space. Here’s what I did.
I bought one of those convertible sheds from Costco, and converted it into a studio. I used on-demand hot water for the sink/shower, and had an electrician hook up power. It is very comfortable and looks like a regular room. My brother lives in it. He pays me monthly for what I had to pay for the shed+conversion+permits, and he pays me for electricity and water. We have an understanding that no one else can move in, and we have the right to evict if the place gets disgusting/damaged. I also added in 15% because he isn’t the best with finances, and when he can’t pay the whole month I’m not struggling.
what he thinks is a regular speaking voice is practically yelling
get him a hearing test (Costco has tests and good prices for hearing aids)
Ahh yes “The king of queens” was a great sitcom
Doug, a deliveryman, and his wife, Carrie, a secretary at a law firm, lead a simple working-class life until Arthur, her goofy father, moves in with them.
We have a 3 generation home with my FIL. It works wonderfully. We pay the vast majority of the bills. He picks up the kids from school every day and helps with other kid shuttling.
This arrangement only works because our personalities and lifestyles are very compatible. We communicate well and no one feels that are being taken advantage of. We chose to spend most of our time together before we all moved into the same home.
Unless both you and SO are 100% on board with supporting your dad for the rest of his life, which could be many, many years, you need to make it clear that he needs to make plans independent of you. A tenant situation won’t work. You aren’t going to kick him out when he doesn’t pay; you’ll just feel resentful.
The thing is it’s not your responsibility to house him forever. You can help get back on his feet but him assuming you guys are cool with him living your garage is not ok. I’m assuming g you guys are heading toward marriage and kids if your buying a house together and that doesn’t need to be stressed by having him around 24 7. I get the personality thing as one of my parents is like that and I’m happy I have my own place now.
I’m not sure where you’re from but I’m in the US. I had a similar situation with my dad in that he was suddenly homeless, a less than desirable roommate and was broke from poor life choices and not working much in life. He is in social security disability.
We were able to find him an income based apartment. Not the best place to live but they base rent off of how much he makes. And it’s a warm safe space to live. Water is included in the price but not electric. He pays a little over $150 a month.
We then had him sign up for food stamps, the energy assistance program to help pay his light bills and even the government program that buys and pays for his cell phone. He has both Medicaid and Medicare so medical is covered. Before food stamps kicked in I stocked his pantry but also took him to food banks to help supplement.
The way I look at it is he never really paid much to fund those programs but I sure did and will continue to for a while. And if my money (and yes everyone else’s) will go toward a more independent life for him and keep him out of my house I am more than happy to have him use those services. He would be homeless or in my house driving me nuts all day. My sanity is worth it.
Maybe you can find programs like that to help you. We started with the local Medicaid office and they told us about a lot of things that were available.
My mother did this to me. 4 years ago. Got rent once. Totally has effected my marriage and my entire mental health. I highly suggest kicking him the f out now. Sincerely
If you let him live on your property you’ll never get rid of him. His personality will interfere with your relationship. He doesn’t bathe? Oh no, time to go. I’m guessing he guilts you into things like letting him live with you. Your boyfriend is patient and kind but this is going to ruin your relationship if you have this mooch around.
You can help him in other ways that doesn’t involve him living with you .
This involves telling him in order to make a final decision he needs to be totally transparent about his finances so that if you can’t take him you can offer him other assistance finding somewhere he can afford.
Seeking out budgeting services for him to attend , get him into some community groups to network make friends.
If he declines then he’s got his 2 weeks and you book him a bed in a hostel with a I am here when you are ready to get help ? Because you can’t afford poor financial anything when u are in a position to buy a home
He does need your support here clearly and he’s probably very lonely right now if he’s just got out of an abusive relationship so please make sure he gets help for that because it’s no joke but he doesn’t get to just take over your life. He is not your child, he is however your father and the only one your going to get at the end of the day. Depressed people don’t take care of personal hygiene (i didn’t and I didn’t know I was depressed for a while) they can also act in ways that they don’t personally see as wrong. Talk to him don’t just make big decisions without him, he is an adult so treat him as such and if he doesn’t like it then that’s when you consider harsher treatment and actions such as kicking him out or even cutting contact all together.