Title is :tldr … and I can’t think of a deeper or some psychological way to put it.
He started a new job just over a year ago. And for the past 6 months I’ve had a glimpse into how he interacts with them over slack messages/channels. And it kind of hurts because he doesn’t act that way with my friends or family.
We’ve been together for 7 years, we’re 25. And in that time my friends and parents have at various points asked questions about his anti-socialness. When he is in attendance at something, he’ll often sit by himself or otherwise not involve himself in conversations or activities. Not all the time, but enough to a point where people have asked me “is he okay? What’s wrong?” And other times where I’ve travelled by myself to family functions or friend gatherings, and he doesn’t want to join I’ll get “Where’s \_\_\_? Why isn’t he here?” And a lot of those questions make me feel shitty because I feel like I have to defend his non-interest in everything/overall lack of expressiveness.
But over these messages with his coworkers, he’s constantly cracking jokes and otherwise being a lively participant in conversations. Even inserting himself when he’s not directly involved, which sounds silly but is out of character for him from my experiences with him. In particular, in group chats with my friends he doesn’t really respond to anyone nor participate in the ways I think is typical of friends.
I get that he might not vibe with my friends and family, it just feels like shit because I don’t particularly nor naturally get along with his family and friends either, but I make an active effort to jive with them because these are people who are important to him. I try to play video games with his online friend group to connect in that way. I’ve added a couple who he’s been close with since high school on snapchat and chat with them regularly, even recently invited them to a Labor Day party I’m throwing at our house. His best friend is the hardest to get along with for me as we’re just very different people, but still we’ve all hung out and I’ll send him relevant snaps of things he likes, like fancy cars when we’re on the road, etc. to try to connect.
When I’ve mentioned how he’s more friendly/chatty/outgoing with his coworkers he gets upset, denies that he acts any different and has even said “am I not allowed to be friend with my coworkers”.
It just makes me sad I guess. And makes me feel a little crazy. Is it unfair to want him to try a little harder? He is more introverted than my friends and family.. at least I thought he was.
7 comments
I cannot speak for your boyfriend but can provide some food for thought. I am not a social person, i could go days without needing to speak ( bless my loving wife who is a talker). But when I am at work I am much much much more outgoing. A part of that change is because these people are friends but another part of is standing out and being noticed (trust me it matters alot in your career). That outgoingness takes mental energy and makes me want to talk even less some days when i finish work
You can tell him that you see him make an effort with his friends, but you feel like you don’t see him make as much of an effort with your friends or family, and ask if he’s willing to be a bit more social on some occasions.
But this might be who he is. He might find it harder than you do to talk with people he doesn’t have much in common with (with co-workers, there’s always work to talk about). He also might find it easier to talk through written/online platforms than face-to-face. In the end, you may decide that it’s too hard on you to have a partner who doesn’t/can’t/won’t participate socially with you, and that’s okay.
I wouldn’t make it about how outgoing he his with his coworkers, so much as ask him straight up if he doesn’t feel comfortable or get along with your friends or family. You don’t have to make it adversarial to start off with at least, it won’t get him to open up about it if you really want to find out what the issue is. Ask him as if you’re concerned more that he doesn’t enjoy being around your circles or that there’s something that makes him feel left out, not coming at him with “why are you this way????” Out of nowhere. Once you get him to actually talk about it and depending on his response then it might be more productive at that point to say what upsets you about the difference.
I guess personally as someone who had a breakup in large part because I didn’t like her friends, I can understand to some extent. I would even say also that on the flip side you don’t really owe it to him either to put in so much effort to get along with the people of his that you don’t like. It’s admirable for you to do, but it sounds like that effort you put in is creating resentment, so unless he’s asking you to, it’s unfair imo to expect the same out of him just because you’ve made it a priority for yourself. Some people like me don’t have the social battery to pretend all the time, for me going out and interacting with people takes a lot of energy already, and having to do that with people I don’t like or think don’t like me is even worse and after 7 years would be at the end of my rope! So imo it’s worth digging at least to find out what the issue actually is, if any, and only then worry about how to fix it.
I would try not to get caught up with how he is at work versus at home etc. A lot of people are different at work for different reasons.
At home and with my real friends and family, I’m one of the quietest people in the room. I prefer to listen and sit back. I’m also exhausted from the work week and unless I’m on vacation, I tend to be low energy on weekends and nights. Except at work, I run a large department focused on one big customer and I literally the face of my company for this customer which means I am social, energetic, charming, dynamic and always in “mix” of a conversation or room. It doesn’t mean I love my wife or family any less.
My advice is to get back to basics and determine if this man is a good man to you, is kind and warm to those that you love and if he’s reliable and trustworthy to you. The socializing with your friends and family the way you want him to aspects is secondary imo.
What do you’re friends and family do to make an effort at being more welcoming to him, other than going up to you(presumably not him) and asking if anything wrong?
I’m an exteme introvert to the point where social interaction makes me both mentally and physically exhausted. I happen to work in a retail management role, so I absolutely have to be very social and friendly interactingwith customers as well as colleagues. If you saw me at work versus at hone, you would think I am a completely different person.
It doesn’t mean I love my wife any less or that I like those people more than her, but I feel safe and like I can be myself around her, so I don’t have to fake it. I have to actively remember to be more communicative with her.
Messaging is not the same as talking in person for a lot of people. Talking in person can be demanding and exhausting for many, while messaging is much easier. I wonder if that’s the case for him?