Idk if anyone can relate to this or offer any advice, but I’m on birth control and I believe that has lowered my sex drive A LOT. I’ve been on it for years so it’s hard to determine exactly the effects it’s had. My husband on the other hand has a regular sex drive and attempts to initiate usually every other day. We tend to have sex about once a week. I tend to turn him down most nights because I’m not in the mood which he has reassured me time and time again is okay because he would rather us both be in the mood instead of me putting out for his sake and not enjoying it. I believe him when he says that, but I still would like to please him more, yk?
With my past partners I never really had much of a say in whether we had sex which sort of traumatized me ig. They would guilt me into doing things if I didn’t want to and if I wasn’t in the mood it didn’t matter. So I get a bit triggered when I try to push myself into the mood because it brings me back to that place. So my efforts to try and please my husband when my sex drive is on the floor either ends with me just not being able to do it or crying, both of which aren’t ideal lol
So does anyone have any tips on how to have more sex while juggling a low sex drive due to hormones, and trying not to push myself too hard to avoid having a breakdown mid-bang?
5 comments
Change of both control is no option?
Sounds to me like you might have reactive desire, is there anything he could do before or throughout the day maybe using one of your love languages to slowly build up some desire and get you in the mood?
Definitely research reactive desire. I’m currently reading come as you are and Emily’s explanation of everything is just so … view altering. It’s helped me a lot.
If you have time and it is purely a desire thing, perhaps set up some ways to get over reactive desire.
Maybe get yourself going, read some erotic stories together, there are ways to help with this. It does take some dedication though.
And this is precisely WHY you should listen to your husband when he says he’d rather you only have sex when both of you are feeling it.
You seem to have heard his words but then thought “yes, but…” – admirable intention but, as you see, you are now putting yourself in the same situation as with your past partners, where you are being triggered by sexual activity EVEN THOUGH your husband has never done anything like your exes – you are now doing it TO YOURSELF.
You want to please your husband more, but speaking AS a husband of a wife who was abused in the past, let me say this: you telling him now IS pleasing him, especially if he knows ANY of the details of your past experiences (in my wife’s case, it very much was a case of the POS who assaulted her considered her no more than a masturbation aid, so knowing that she feels comfortable enough now to exercise her agency is HUGE); it is showing him that you are not afraid of him and that you feel comfortable enough to be honest with both him and with yourself; I have actually stopped mid-sex before multiple times when I’ve realised my wife was simply going along with it for me and not actually enjoying it herself; yes, she does feel a bit rejected in the moment, but afterwards, once things settle a bit, she acknowledges that she’s glad I stopped. I would urge you to stop trying to second-guess him because it is actually NOT pleasing him PLUS it is triggering you – a lose-lose situation.
So…don’t push yourself. When you feel in the mood and he initiates, go along with it; when you feel in the mood, initiate; if he initiates and you aren’t feeling it, tell him – he’s a big boy and has two hands, he can sort himself out if he can’t simply ignore the urge.