Men of reddit, I seek your advice. I (M35) have been with my partner (F28) for almost 5 years. Pressure is on to propose or not.
She’s is good looking, very family oriented, opinionated and to be honest, may be considered obnoxious in some social settings. She does not care what others think and does not make friends easily. She comes from a large middle class family and wants that for herself in future (many kids, house in the suburbs, mortgage etc). She very much wants to get married.
I am a more reserved and independent person from a small upper class family (pretentious I know, but it is a thing), and the thought of being tied down with marriage and kids is somewhat unappealing to me. It seems like a trap to me. Her mom treats her dad like he is a piece of shit, which doesn’t sit well with me. There are hints in her behaviour that indicate to me she may also turn into a nightmare (behaviour wise) after marriage and kids, but often I think the worst and things aren’t as bad in reality. Getting divorced and loosing my money and kids in future would be the worst kind of nightmare for me.
Part of me thinks she will be a good mom, and maybe won’t turn into a nightmare. And maybe I am being picky or paranoid, as I have tended to be in the past.. could I live without her? Sure. Is that what is good for me and others? No idea.
To the point. Were you always sure that you were going to propose to your partner? How often did/do you question your decision? Did you settle?
7 comments
If you are concerned about getting your finances tied up in the marriage, get married without the state’s involvement. That way you are more protected in case things go south.
As someone who has been married twice, I have two answers.
The first proposal was a mistake and was not a true proposal. I did not plan on it but things happened and I was not smart enough to walk away. Two years after getting married we were in the process of a divorce.
The second one, I knew almost immediately. We had both been married before and we knew each other for over a decade before dating. I was so certain that I was going to marry her that I told her I would not propose and she would have to propose to me – she had said she didn’t want to get married again.
We both had the same idea for time and place to propose (I beat her to it).
As for your insecurity about losing money if the marriage were to fail, that is what a pre-nup is for. My sister signed one before she got married and they are happy with two boys.
I am lucky enough to say that I was always sure I wanted to marry my now wife. But its a huge commitment. If you arent all in, then dont do it. Dont waste your time or hers. It isnt fair.
I know exactly where you are. I could’ve written this post a year before I proposed. My wife was this way.
I’ll bypass your question for some straight advice. Marriage is scary. It will not stop being scary. The idea isn’t scary for some people, but you’re not them. You’re always going to be looking for the signs that this might be less than perfect and catastrophizing. No matter who you marry, you’re going to have moments where you feel like it was all a mistake. Good marriages are ones that refuse to give up and figure out how to be better together.
We overemphasize finding the perfect partner, in my opinion. Marriage requires constant dedication to growth and dialogue. Have you ever had a moment in your relationship where you thought “this is it…we’re breaking up” and you didn’t? That’s someone you can last forever with.
Laying in bed on New Years Eve
“So are we getting married or what?”
Looking in the mirror doing make-up
“Yeah”
Me
“Grand so”
I married up dude.
Btw “….and maybe she won’t turn in to a nightmare”.
Man, that’s some ringing fucking endorsement..
if your doubting yourself and your choices: she not be the one for you.
when you decide to marry someone there is no doubt in your mind at all because you love her and everything about her.
no you dont have to love her family thats hit n miss.
but after 5 years its time to make a choice… nobody can make that for you.
I would trust your gut, your concerns seem like more than just the usual nervousness around marriage