It was my birthday recently – and it was a good one I’d say. Went out with friends in the area and had a good time, then celebrated the rest with my family. It would almost have been perfect – except my brother (we’ll call him Alex) didn’t so much as even text me a happy birthday. (He is currently at college, so he was not in the area).
For the most part, the lack of a birthday wish isn’t something that bothers me. Rather, I’m saddened by and feeling deeply concerned for what it represents. On one hand, I know I am partly to blame for his avoidant behavior. At the same time, I can’t help wishing that things were better. I will elaborate.
Like many other Asian households out there, my family does not get along with one another, especially Mom with others. She is nice and generous when it comes to friends and people outside of the family. But to us, she is overly critical, impatient, controlling, and manipulative. Anytime there is a discrepancy between her expectations and reality, you can expect there to be a fight. It can be something small like something missing at home or something big like choosing our own careers. Things have gotten better over the years, but her toxicity still lingers sometimes. (I’d like to think much of the change is from my defensive countering, for myself and Alex.)
As such, Mom made growing up more stressful, adding on to the fact that I was giving myself pressure for having to be “responsible” in place of my father who wasn’t there. I was also told by other relatives that I needed to be a role model for Alex. But I was also only just a kid, and everything that was going on was too heavy for me to bear. I didn’t know how to vent what I was going through, so I pushed Alex far far away. I bullied him, said things and did things that I found myself regretting even to this day. I hated what I was doing, but because I didn’t really know love, the responsibility of taking care of a whole human being scared me.
I did eventually come to realize my wrongdoings and stopped. However, the damage had already been done at that point. (This was probably when I went to college). Alex and I had already been talking less and less. For him, too, Mom got to him. While I was away, my mom kept pushing him in certain academic areas he was clearly not interested in. She also kept comparing him to me, which was something I was not aware of until I graduated and came home. He had been yelled at so often that he was suicidal at one point – something I also did not know until I came home.
It was then that I decided to apologize to him for the things that had happened when we were younger. Many times in fact. Moreover, I started to stand up for him against the vocal beatdowns from my mother. I still couldn’t find myself to just hang out with him though, since I felt awkward and our interests drastically differ. I was also working through personal issues as well. Fast forward another year, and he finally leaves for college. I had hoped that the distance away would help him heal, but for some reason things feel worse than before. It doesn’t help that a while back we had a conversation through text where he told me he finds it hard to talk to me and just considers me someone in his life. He has reason to say that, but still… it hurt on many levels.
I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Alex aside, I’m still living at home. Grandpa’s condition is worsening, so I am taking care of him while Mom is at work. I want to just move out and not have to think about everything with my family and just focus on myself, but for me, it is difficult to just leave my family. I feel guilty about Alex, even though I know I am doing what I can for the relationship. I feel like I will be guilty for my mom and grandpa if I leave.
What is a good mindset to have here? Are things incorrigible with Alex? Is there something I can do that I haven’t thought of? Is this something I should just let time work out?
Sorry for the long post. Feel free to ask any clarifying questions on things I may have gone over briefly or not at all :’)
tl;dr – Brother didn’t wish me a happy birthday, and I am taking it (in addition to other things he’s told me) that he is trying to cut ties with the family from childhood traumas. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks so much.
6 comments
Ball’s in his court now.
The mantle of older brother is a tough one, especially in traditional Asian households. For your part, now is time for your brother to spread his wings. Maybe he will return, but maybe not. I assume you retain good child memories together with your grandfather? Do keep him updated with grandpa and any of your daily stuff. It’ll form a new foundation, hopefully.
Tell him how you feel.( Like what you have wrote in your post)
You have a lot on your shoulder. Taking care of senior is not easy. I’m not sure where you from. In Canada you can call the health department and ask for a case manager to do accesment on grandpa situation and what kind of helps he is qualify of.
You are trying your best, not everyone is willing to help taking care of their elders. If you have access, let the medical professionals to help your grandpa, they are train and can do better job than us. So don’t feel guilty. Care givers need their break. At peak time I was taking care of 2 . 5 senior at home. It worn me down and covid broke my camel’s back..
There’s a chance things will recover when you move out. But in an Asian household, that’s rarely an easy move. You still live with your mom. Your mom is the one who has been hurting him, by staying around her you’re sort of an extension of her. If he tells you something and you say something (unintentionally), your mom rains on his head again. So just not telling you anything is the better move.
It also sounds like you were pushed into a sort of parental role and he was the kid. That’s an unhealthy dynamic, because you can’t bond as siblings. It’s not you two against the world, it’s him against you and mom. That takes a long time to correct itself, if it happens at all. From your side, you’ve seen that things weren’t right and been dealing with that, but he got the other parts. He’s not at the place yet that you can be on equal footing.
Keep reaching out to him, but make clear you accept his low interaction. When your Grandpa is gone/better, you can leave and then see what happens. Maybe then you can go low contact with your mom too.
I’m sorry to say this but you reap what you sow. You abused Alex for years. An apology isn’t really going to wipe that away for him. You only stopped abusing him because you physically left, as far as he can tell.
>I had hoped that the distance away would help him heal, but for some reason things feel worse than before.
Worse for you. I bet *he* feels a hell of a lot better being away from all of his abusers.
>I want to just move out and not have to think about everything with my family and just focus on myself
This is an option.
>I feel guilty about Alex, even though I know I am doing what I can for the relationship
You aren’t doing what you can. You are still living with and enabling Alex’s abuser. What kind of relationship can he possibly hope to have with you under those conditions?
> I feel like I will be guilty for my mom and grandpa if I leave.
This is the core of it. You are choosing Alex’s abuser over him. You can’t maintain a good relationship with both your mom and your brother. You have chosen your mom. At any time you can choose to break free from all of this garbage with your mom. You are a full grown adult. Your choices have consequences, and the choices you’re making with your mother are having consequences for your relationship with Alex.
Don’t put any of your stressors on him, including being disappointed about him not wishing you happy birthday; you’ve done more than enough of that in the abuse you laid into him.
Let him know you are open to atoning for what you’ve done, and you will always be there for him, but absolutely no pressure. And then mean that.
It’s going to be difficult to accept but the reality is you’re his co-abuser. It’s good that you regret it now. The issue is that regret, no matter how genuine or heartfelt, is never a substitute for attrition. There are many harms that can never be undone or healed, regardless of the perpetrators eventual remorse. An apology is a request that no one is obligated to fulfill. Be sorry all you want, but know that it could easily be far too little much too late.