I’m in my mid-30s, and so is my partner. We’ve been together for five years and have had a rocky sexual past, which includes going long stretches of time without any sexual intimacy. Our sex isn’t adventurous and we’re also very different in how we approach sex — I want to be very present during sex (I want to be consumed by sights, sounds and feelings), and I tend to be very serious in the bedroom. She, on the other hand, prefers to be out of her body (she says she enjoys it most when she’s stoned), doesn’t really enjoy the carnal nature of sex in the way I do, and can be very silly when it comes to sex and sexual touch.
Case in point, sometimes she likes to have me pull my penis out of my pants, and she’ll sing silly songs while holding it, say “hi” to it, and do other silly things with it. Then she’ll put it back into my pants, usually after it gets hard, and go on about her day like nothing happened.
She did this the other day, and I got upset saying that it’s rude, and that I get blue balls when she does this (we’re not a couple that has sex or engage in sexual touch very often…or at least to me). She seemed offended and said she didn’t understand why she can’t just take my penis out and look at it without the expectation of having to do anything with it.
I wouldn’t mind this happening every once in a while, but I’m reluctant because the silliness with my penis isn’t my favorite and she’s not the type to typically offer blowjobs (and handjobs are reserved for when we go long stretches of time without sex and she’s trying to throw me a bone—no pun intended), so I know there will never been any trade off (ie, sometimes she just pulls it out to look at it and sometimes she pulls it out to offer sexual gratification).
Anyway, am I wrong and the weird one for having gotten upset?
11 comments
You’re not wrong for being upset about somebody playing with your sexual organ like a toy. Sounds like this relationship might be unhealthy.
If anyone talked to my dick like it was a baby i would be upset. And i bring my own member out, unless they are doing something sexual. I have no clue why she would do that unless it is a power trip thing.
How important is sex to you? Sounds pretty important based on what you posted. If your sexual drives and preferences are that out of whack, and apparently not likely to get aligned, is the rest of the relationship worth it? Are you happy to go through the rest of your life, or even a couple more years, or even another week, being unsatisfied with your sex life?
Sounds like you need to assess why you’re with this person and whether you want to be with them full stop. Even if everything else in your relationship was 9 out of 10, maybe the poor sex life is enough reason to break up.
No, you are not wrong at all for feeling upset. She is being disrespectful. I can’t imagine getting my husband to take his cock out and then not actually giving him a blowjob or having sex. He knows that if I am asking him to take it out, then he is getting a blowjob at least.
I’m going to be an early dissenting voice and say that while you’re not wrong for feeling upset, your girlfriend isn’t wrong or disrespectful for acting the way she did or for engaging in silliness with your penis. Sex can be serious, sex can be silly, sex can be sensual, sex can be goofy. There’s no right or wrong way to look at sex.
Communication is, as always, key. Have you discussed why she doesn’t “offer” blowjobs or handjobs? She’s under no obligation to do so but she may be feeling insecure about her abilities or your reaction to them or absolutely anything. She may not enjoy doing them which is fine too.
Long stretches of time between sexual activity is also not as big a deal as lots of people or society make it out to be.
In short, talk to her, listen (really, empathetically listen) to her point of view and maybe lighten up a bit? As with Shakespeare, you are allowed to laugh sometimes.
I’d love someone being silly with my penis! That’s relationship goals right there! Not really sure how to encourage my partner to do that tho, nothing has really stuck.
Anyway, that’s me. Any attention to my bits makes me feel desired, whether it’s to “completion” or not.
But hey, each relationship should set their own boundaries. ♥️
It wouldn’t bother me at all. I’d play along with it. Getting eachother horny for about one or two minutes and not doing anything further is so much fun as a build up to the real thing. Also I don’t always take sex too seriously.
But you clearly feel differently.
Neither of you is wrong in how you enjoy sex and sexual interaction, just different. If you can’t possibly see a harmless fun side to it and she can’t possibly stop, then there’s an issue. If it’s a dealbreaker then leave.
Bf likes to touch me when I’m at his place. Should he be allowed to touch me however he wants whenever he wants? Sure, as long as I’m down for it. Once, when he touched me when i knew he had to go to work, I said “don’t start what you can’t finish.” I am allowed to withdraw consent for any reason–and I think “I don’t want to be turned on if sex isn’t an option” is quite a valid reason, don’t you?
Boyfriend listened to me, because he knows it’s a partnership. He has desires, I have desires. And I have the final say on how my body is used.
Your other reasons are valid, of course, but ultimately irrelevant in the face of the whole “consent” thing. You don’t need reasons. You don’t like your penis to be touched and admired without any hope of release. And you shouldn’t have to tolerate it. End of story.
You are allowed to have boundaries about how other people are allowed to touch your body, especially your genitals.
I think the problem here is that, if you had a healthy sexual relationship then you may not mind the playful or silly treatment of your pens. But since you are deprived of attention, intimacy and satisfaction then this kind of behaviour feels disrespectful.
I was in a 4 year relationship where my partner was not having sex with me. It was painful and destroyed our relationship. Don’t downplay the importance of sex in a relationship, it is an important way that we connect with each other.
After leaving that relationship I vowed to make sex a priority and never allow that kind of neglect again. You need to address this with her and if she can’t demonstrate a willingness to improve it then you need to decide if you want to stay. How much do you value your own needs?
Sounds pretty incompatible