I’ve(38f) been seeing a guy who is 11 years older than me. He was in a 25yr relationship that ended about 4-5 years ago. Well the relationship had been in shambles for years before that but he moved out 4 years ago. We have been seeing each other for 3 close to 4 years. I’ve taken it slow but I’m craving relationship type stuff. Sleeping over, cuddling, dinner and convo, pictures together, adventures, and holidays.
He works quite a bit as a business owner. Since the pandemic ended, he’s been insanely busy with work. We talk and see each other daily. Most of this takes place at his shop, which he lives alone in an apartment that is upstairs in his shop. In 3 years we haven’t progressed to treating each other like we are together. It sounds petty, but we don’t even have pics together. I’m confident he’s not seeing anyone else.
The chemistry for me is starting to fade as I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship and havent felt that way for most of our relationship. I have let him know how I feel and he explains that his business is young and he doesn’t have the right people in the right spots yet so he’s micromanaging until he’s comfortable. He’s frustrated with me because Im not as enthusiastic about our relationship as I was when we first started. When i talk about ending things on good terms, he gets upset and doesn’t want to let this relationship go. I was good with taking things slow but when i realized he didnt even have any pics of us together on his phone I started to back off to protect my feelings. He said he’s not a guy that takes pics, he just remembers the good times. I mean he does have pics with his ex but like I said they were together for 25yrs (not married). Is this an age gap thing? Our relationship doesnt exist on social media. The bedroom chemistry is about all we really have. It’s so intense that neither one of us know what to do from here. I don’t see how the bedroom chemistry is so great but the rest of the relationship is rather lonely. The chemistry in the bedroom is what propelled me to be patient with him because with our sexual chemistry paired with great communication, trust, respect, and treating each other like significant others…it would be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Am I wasting my time? Am I being unreasonable? I’ve told him simple ways to help me feel like I’m in a relationship. He just can’t seem to do it. Then its forced and feels wrong anyway. This is causing issues with my confidence. Which in return is effecting our overall relationship because I’m not in the same headspace as I was when we first started, since I dont see us on the same page. Am I being selfish?
2 comments
This seems like something that reasonable people would be able to work out. I noticed you didn’t talk about love. Is he still married? Why can’t you take pictures? Why can’t you sleep over?
It sounds like he’s using you for sex but im young and have very few experience so take my points lightly, however:
“the bedroom chemistry is about all we really have”
But just the way you describe everything how he behaves in certain ways giving 100% effort sometimes, and 0% effort elsewhere
But when it comes to the relationship you & him have he’s suddenly lackluster?
when it comes to his business he’s 100% focused all in
when it comes to you & his sex life, he’s 100% focused again suddenly
When it’s about his ex, he seems relatively? Engaged in keeping her happy but he refuses to do small things to make his new partner feel happy?
To me it just feels like he’s happy you’re around to make him happy, you’re not entitled to serve him and if you feel that life is not fullfilling with him maybe it’s time you seek other things
The fact he got defensive when you suggested to break it is a small red flag to me about manipulation honestly… how can he be upset that you want to leave on good terms, that means you’re not happy with him and he should understand that if he’s humane, instead he’s thinking slightly selfish and wants you to stay because he would be sad if you left.
I don’t know what else to tell you but thanks for sharing none the less