My father was very abusive, I promise myself that I’d never marry a guy that is abusive. My husband is not abusive, but he has an anger management issue. He tends to break things/punch the wall/kick the door until it’s broken whenever he’s mad. (Never seen this side of him when we were dating – he was totally a different person)
Whenever he does this, i always feel traumatized- it’s like a flash back of my childhood and all i can think of is my children’s feeling looking at their father acting this way.
He’s a very sweet, caring, and a responsible father i’d say. But his anger management issue has blinded me from seeing the good side of him.
I am acting normal at home like nothing has happened. But deep down when I look at him it doesn’t feel the love anymore.
I am a very independent woman, I earn more than him. In fact with my current salary, i can still live comfortably with my 2 kids. (This is also the reason why i am ready to leave anytime)
It happened so many time and he knew that my father was abusive. We talked and discussed a lot about this. Nothing has changed.
I dont know what to do and I want to help him but I dont know how. Please advise me
8 comments
seek professional help, your trauma is too much for him to heal and without the right tools you could be hurting yourself and the kids more. HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP, if he can accept he has these anger issues and blackout moments then he will do really good in therapy.
This kind of thing doesn’t really need to be thought about it needs to be acted on. Maybe you missed the signs while you were dating because you were so happy to be happy for once. Don’t let your kids be blind in their relationships to trauma and get them the help they need to deal with the trauma they are suffering now because daddy has mood issues and we don’t address it and accept this is what love is
I don’t think it’s just “flashbacks” making you feel that way. Anything that makes you feel unsafe in your home would of course trigger a fight or flight response and somebody being violent (whether to you or not) is extremely traumatising and very scary. Your children are absolutely feeling the same way.
Violence of any form is absolutely not ok and I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate my husband behaving that way, *especially* in front of our children.
I would tell him that anger management is not negotiable and tell him if he’s not willing to do that I’m packing my bags
You can’t fix him. He has to want to change and find out how to handle anger. You should separate asap. This not healthy or safe for you or your child. Seek ic for yourself and he should seek ic and anger management. Don’t wait till he hurts you or your child. Know your boundaries and values. You know what you went through Don’t let your child go thru that. Best wishes
Get out while you still feel independent.
Slightly less glibly – ‘anger management’ is a major cop-out, even if SO did have anger management issues they’d do the right thing and seek help and therapy NOT continue to expose their traumatized partner and children to this htf is he a responsible father exposing children to that?
You need to have him leave and you and the kids stay in the home. Each time this happens your children are experiencing trauma. You know full well what trauma will do to a person and the continued suffering that lasts a lifetime. It develops into depression, physical chronic illness, anxiety, PTSD, etc. is this what you want for them?
Sure, you just want to help him but he is a grown ass man who can get help himself if it means enough to him. Your kids are the ones you should be helping first and foremost.
I grew up with an abusive father too. My husband doesn’t hit or do anything that would be considered abusive but he over reacts and tends to yell
We have a 13 year old daughter and once he raises his voice that’s it for me. I’m there. I have serious issue with men raises their voices at women. I’ve been beat, I have a high pain tolerance and I will step in for a hit for anyone
I do think I overreact at times. He’s just a dad yelling at a teenage girl who won’t listen. Hell I have to yell too at times. But our past does cloud our perception
Yours is different because my husband does not break or throw things. If he did, he’d be gone.
Why say that
I understand. I too had an abusive Father and a husband with anger management problems.
Your home has to be a safe place. If that is not happening you have got to make some adjustments.
True, we don’t always see things clearly until the marriage is consummated and everyday life comes from behind the curtain.
Your husband needs help. But he has to be the one to decide to get help and to take advantage of help. You have to protect your children. Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment. I understand not liking someone, not liking their behavior and not feeling safe and/or like they are doing their part. But you can still be committed to doing what is best for him and for your family.
I am praying for you to find the help you need. God bless you and your precious family.