We have been married for 4+ years. It didn’t start off like this, but somewhere in our marriage he has normalised threatening me with divorce and asking me to leave the premises of the house. Last year he called the lawyer, but layer said he didn’t mean it. He promised to not do it again. But this entire year he threatens to end it at least once a month. In the month of August, he asked me to leave three times.
We have a relationship where when it’s good, it’s amazing like we have the best relationship in the world. but when we fight, it turns very bad and he threatens divorce. He has ADHD and struggles with financial and anger issues. I told him last time that if he says it one more time it will be final. Now he said it again today and I am feeling disrespected and my self respect is on the line. Should I go ahead with the divorce?
25 comments
Yes!
You do not deserve that.
You should definitely file for divorce.
He is abusing you.
You could try couples counseling if you really want to save the relationship, but it sounds like you would be safer and happier without him.
Yes. Please do, he’s engaging in emotional and verbal abuse. It’s not healthy for you, the good times can always be good, but as it goes on the bad times will continue to pile up.
At the very least you need to actually separate. You husband had very deep issues with needing power/control over you and the relationship, this is no way to treat someone you love.
It sounds like you might struggle to stick to divorce on this one issue alone, so I’d suggest maybe share what happens in the fights. I’d bet there’s problems there too that are more than just regular arguments. So whether you stay or divorce, the more clear you are on the issues the more confidence you’ll have in whatever decision you do make. Good luck.
Abusive relationships are often described as being amazing when it’s good and horrible when it’s bad. One should not treat their partner like this ever, especially threaten divorce. Why make such empty but hurtful threats. Personally and I speak for myself here, think about if you truly are happy and want to continue to put up with this rollercoaster of emotions by a partner for the rest of your life, or would you rather call his bluff and experience something different. I cannot understand how a man could act this way to another person, let alone his wife. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but I would consider marriage counseling and even a lawyer at this point. Marriage is a lot of work and not easy, but one should not have to put up with this.
I mean if you said you would leave when he told you that again and then you don’t leave, you will have confirmed that he can do what ever he wants and there won’t be any consequences. You need to hold up your actions and leave. Not necessarily divorce him but leave and go to a friend or families home and make him earn you back. I have adhd too but that doesn’t mean I get to be a complete a-hole to my wife when I get frustrated with life.
Yes. He wants a divorce too, he just doesn’t have the nerve to follow through with it. You’ll have to take the lead and file, unfortunately.
Leave to a friends for a couple days and tell him why and that you are know longer taking the abuse , i promise he will beg you to come back. Even then stay firm and make him sweat it out and establish firm boundaries. He keeps telling you to leave because you are allowing it .
This is abusive. Make a plan to leave and follow through.
Why not. Call his bluff.
Uh, yeah. Another letter where “he’s so wonderful and it’s so good…EXCEPT when he abuses me, threatens me, tries to throw me out of the house. Those good times. It will only stop when you stop it. Either leave or stay and take it. Only you have the choice.
You drew your line in the sand and today he crossed it. If you don’t follow through he will forever be crossing the line because there won’t be any consequences for it.
Get divorced!
What? Why the heck are you putting up with this absolute *crap*??
Of course you get divorced. And, please, get YOUR OWN (not his) good lawyer who will make your husband stop bullying you.
Also, don’t leave the house. Tell him to get out.
>We ~~have~~ *used to have* a relationship where when ~~it’s~~ it was good, ~~it’s~~ it was amazing *now, it’s just crap on a stick*
FIFY.
He may have something else going on with him. I sadly have been guilty of doing this to my husband, but I definitely don’t do it every time we fight. I know its wrong, but sometimes I cant help myself when I get really upset. Like before I say it I tell myself not to, but its like I cant stop myself. However, I do suffer from BPD. So if you don’t want to leave, you may want to consider making an ultimatum of therapy and sticking to it. If he has some type of mental disorder that needs to be figured out/diagnosed, then he needs to be in therapy if he wants to make things work with you. When I am in the proper therapy my relationship with my husband is leaps and bounds better.
Honestly, by the way you are describing him in regards to addiction, risk, and how he gets upset during conversations, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has BPD. But I am not a doctor, so I don’t know. I would encourage you to look up BPD symptoms and see if they resonate with you/him, and if so, get him in therapy ASAP. DBT is the best type of therapy for these sorts of issues I have found.
Edit to say that if you just want to leave to, I 100% think you are in the right to do it. This definitely is a form of abuse and you should not have to take it. I am just merely offering my perspective as someone who has these issues.
A lot of people are reading this as manipulation, but I read it as a cry for help.
Sounds like he is hurting and thinks a divorce will make him feel better, but is too afraid and not even sure if that’s what he actually wants.
I think you both need to have a long talk. What is it that you both need from each other that you aren’t getting. From there you both need to decide if you’re willing to meet those needs. If you both can then from there on out he needs to understand that an ultimatum is not the way to express his feeling.
>I told him last time that if he says it one more time it will be final. Now he said it again today
So did you mean what you said or will you keep being his doormat?
This is emotional abuse. He’s toxic.
http://www.loveisrespect.org
http://www.thehotline.org
My 12 yr old has ADHD and manages to control his temper. I think am adult could if he actually cared.
My stepdad used this as a manipulation tactic (among other things). He puts you in a vulnerable position by taking away your home/shelter. I don’t know if you’ve tried seeing a marriage counselor or anything for your relationship, but if he’s unwilling to make any changes or see his own faults it’s time to go. I would also recommend you see a therapist on your own if you don’t already.
Good for you for recognizing this problem though and seeking help/advice. You’ve taken a huge step already.
Get the papers ready Jesus😂 if he’s made he should leave, you have no reason to leave. Dudes acting like a 5 year old and mommy just told him he couldn’t have a snickers
My mother loves to say, “Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result, is the definition of insanity”
Obviously that’s not the tru definition but you get her point.
Leaving your home over and over and over is never going to be the answer to this problem. Y’all need to have a serious sit down discussion, bonus points if it’s in front of a therapist, and end this silly game. One way or another.
I think you should… this is not how you treat someone you love.
It’s clear you love him and care about him. However, as others have said this is an abusive relationship (it can be hard to tell in the thick of it). He needs to heal and needs to want to heal, you can’t do that for him. You deserve to find someone that will help you build the life you want and be a support system when things get hard.
my first ex pulled that line on me and i immediately obliged. he was shocked but idk what he expected telling me to leave. you tell me to leave, i will leave permanently.