**TLDR:** Friends of my BFF invited me out for lunch yesterday. I thought my friend had been invited but she hadnt, which I found out when I arrived. BFF is now really upset, and I worry she A. shes upset and as her friend I want to be there, but B. She wont want my support, and selfishly C. Is not going to enjoy my Birthday meal tomorrow night, and therefore I wont enjoy it.
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Emma (name changed for privacy) is one of my closest friends. We work in the same office but very quickly hit it off a couple of years back, and have grown very close since. Patrick & Robert are Emma’s friends, whom I met on a camping trip earlier in the year between the 4 of us. I got on well enough with Patrick and Robert to connect over social media and talk about meeting up again as the 4 of us.
Fast forward a few months and those tentative plans have never materialized. Which having only met them once I wasn’t too bothered about, were all busy people after all. But it turns out Emma has not spent any time with them either, and has been fobbed off a couple of times when trying to make plans, and is naturally a bit dissapointed and hurt by that. Id bumped into them at a bar a few weeks back when meeting another friend, and brought up that Emma misses them and is keen to hang out again.
On Sunday morning, Robert messaged me to ask if I was up to anything that afternoon and if I would like to join him, Patrick and a few other people i’d never met for a late lunch, but that they hadn’t yet decided where. I was about to jump in the shower and run some errands in that part of town anyway, so said sure, let me know where you’re going. I also asked if Emma had been invited, and when they said not yet, told Robert to message her with wherever they decided to go too, to which he responded “yes, definitely”. Id messaged Emma earlier that morning about something else and had not yet had a response, but in the moment made the decision to let Robert message her first once they knew where we were going while I showered and then ran the errands.
While on the errands I got a message telling me where they’d decided to go, and so joined them 20 minutes later. When I got there it turned out they hadn’t invited Emma, asking me if I had. I messaged her about it straight away, to which she responded that she was unable to come. I was a bit annoyed that Robert hadn’t messaged her like he said he would, and felt guilty that I had left it up to him. I mentioned a few times over lunch that Emma missed them and suggested that they reached out to her and made some plans. I felt like a bit of an outsider the whole lunch and didn’t stay too long.
Today, Emma came into the office and was clearly not happy. She asked me how lunch was, and when I said “sure it was OK, didn’t stay for too long”, she responded with how it was funny that Robert and Patrick had invited me when they’d been fobbing her off the past couple of months. I didn’t really know what to say to that. About mid morning, she said to a colleague she was going to go work from home this afternoon, which is very uncharacteristic of her. I instant messaged her to ask if we could follow her out and talk when she leaves (its a small office so no privacy for conversations), and asked how she was feeling, guessing that she was really upset. The thread went like so:
\>Emma: just a tad annoying that its been radio silence with me and they are inviting you out…just find it all a bit odd.
\>Me: Thats what I mean. I literally told Robert to message you with their plans while I jumped in the shower, and when I turned up they hadn’t. Thats when I messaged you. I don’t feel comfortable about it at all
\>Emma: well did you say anything to them once you got there as to why they haven’t spoken to me? first thing I would have done.
\>Me: Yes. I literally told them to reach out to you, in the immediate term but also in general. Same as when I bumped into them the other night. I brought you up in conversation all afternoon.
\>Emma: Very odd on their behalf then. Cba.
\>Me: I dont want to spend time with people that treat you like that. Im angry that youve been getting that from them, and even more so after yesterday. I have had this same thing happen to me but from where youre standing and it was horrible.
\>Emma: yeah not a nice feeling
Thats the last we spoke about it. She left shortly after, barely saying goodbye.
I feel awful right now. Im upset for her that Patrick and Robert have been giving her the cold shoulder. Angry that I’ve been dragged into a conflict I didn’t want to be part of. Guilty that I didn’t message her myself straight away when I got the invite. Upset because when I was a teen I had two friends whom I introduced to each other then exclude me, and so this is bringing that back up, along with guilt that it looks like I’ve done this to her.
Its my birthday tomorrow and im due to go for a meal with Emma and couple of other friends after work, and now I just feel ill at the thought of it. She tends to stew on things for a while, so I expect this to still be on her mind, and therefore not in a good mood. I don’t know whether to accept that Ive said what I can and its out of my control now, or get in touch to acknowledge to her that I could’ve messaged her earlier on myself but didn’t. Shes been going through something else the past week and Ive been checking in with her via text or voice message each night. Its tearing me apart whether getting touch even without talking about this would be unwelcome tonight, and that if she is needing a friend over the other thing that she wouldn’t feel she could speak to me just now.
Personally I want to know where I stand with her before our dinner plans tomorrow night, so that if there’s a chance we can clear anything up that allows us to enjoy the evening without this cloud hanging over it. I would like to know whether she holds me culpable for the hurt shes feeling, so that I can acknowledge and atone for it if so. I just dont know how to speak to her between now and then, or if I should just give her space. The desire and conflict to contact her is to support her, but also to selfishly alleviate my own worries. Should I contact her, and if so, **how can I do so sensitively?**
7 comments
Lord. People can make plans and invite whoever they want.
If she’s foolish enough to think you are responsible for her not being invited to something you weren’t even arranging, that’s her problem.
And you should stop telling people who to invite.
I wouldn’t even bring it up.
You need to calm down and expect Emma to handle her own shit. She’s 30, not 13. You’re taking on *way too much* of a caregiver or parental role.
You’re not culpable for other people not putting in the effort to invite her. You should just be sorry she is hurt, and empathize with her. Acting like you are *accountable* for this will further damage this dynamic and make this even more toxic.
You don’t need her reassurance, because you did nothing wrong. If she’s angry with you still, she is being unfair to you. Expect her not to be that kind of unfair.
It is sad that Patrick and Robert didn’t include her, but it is only that: Sad. People get to invite who they want. It’s not your job to beg and bully others into including her. You did all that you should have in mentioning to Patrick and Robert you were surprised she wasn’t included. That was the full extent of your responsibility to yourself, not even to Emma.
Don’t even bring it up with Emma anymore. Focus on the friendship you two have as individuals. If you want to touch base on her life and the other things going on, just do that. Be her friend. Not to her Mommy scolding the other little boys for not inviting her to play.
Why is it your job to run Emma’s social life?
Look based on your post, even I don’t want to hang out with Emma.
Maybe P &R just don’t really enjoy her company. That’s ok. Not everyone has to like us. Maybe they think you’re cool.
I don’t understand why you’re carrying the burden of making sure Emma isn’t upset that someone else that’s not you doesn’t like her. Why is it a crime for someone to like you better? Why would you have to make it up to her and apologize? Why is Emma incapable of setting aside her disagreement with P & R for her best friend’s birthday?
I agree with other comments that you are taking on WAY too much responsibility for her emotional state. Hanging out with other people without her isn’t excluding her. It’s a normal and appropriate part of adult relationships.
>I dont want to spend time with people that treat you like that. Im angry that youve been getting that from them, and even more so after yesterday.
??? At **worst** this was a casual misunderstanding that Emma is blowing way out of proportion. They didn’t “treat her like that”. They just went to lunch and thought someone else texted her. No big deal.
Also, I can see why they’re avoiding her. She sounds exhausting. If they are excluding her, it’s probably because she has the energy of an overdramatic 13 year old old. That’s not exclusion, that’s a natural consequence of immaturity.
I’m with those saying you’re doing way too much in regards to Emma’s social life. If she feels some kind of way that Patrick and Robert may or may not be blowing her off, she can talk to them about that. It’s honestly super weird you feel like there’s even a chance you might need to “atone for” something that sounds like a misunderstanding between three people, none of whom are you. Do you often feel like you need to protect Emma’s feelings, make sure she’s included in everything, etc.? Does she often blame you for stuff you didn’t do? From my perspective, it seems like Emma lashes out when things don’t go her way and like you feel like you have to coddle her so she won’t be mean to you. That’s not healthy!
In terms of the birthday dinner – if you want to have dinner with Emma, you can reach out and say, “Hey, you still up for dinner tomorrow night?” If she says no, you can reschedule. If she says yes, you’ve gotta either trust that she’ll act appropriately or postpone/cancel the dinner if you don’t think you can trust her.
Honestly I think you could benefit from therapy because this is out of control. Are all of your friendships this dramatic and co-dependent and weird?