Last Friday, I \[15m\] was hanging out with my older brother \[27m\] and his wife \[26f\] at their apartment after I got home from school and they were off from work. My brother left to do a favor for one of his friends, so it was just me and my sister-in-law. We tried to turn on something on, and surfed through Netflix, Disney+, and Peacock, but couldn’t find anything we felt like watching.
The two of us played some video games together, but got bored of that after about 30 minutes. We tossed around many ideas like the mall, library, and Walmart or Target. Eventually, my sister-in-law suggested we take a drive up the mountains on her motorcycle. Although I never rode on it before, that sounded fun and I really love being out in the mountains.
So I agreed, and we went off on our ride. It was fun enjoying nature and being on that motorcycle was one of the most exciting things that I experienced in my life. We also briefly stopped on the road to take some selfies with the mountains in the background. After about 2 hours, my sister-in-law decided it was time to head back to her apartment. Once we got back, my sister-in-law uploaded the pictures we took to her Instagram.
Maybe around 10 or 20 minutes later, my older sister \[30f\] angrily called my sister-in-law about the post, and told her that she was coming over to pick me up. She showed up pretty quickly and went after at my sister-in-law. My sister accused her of being irresponsible for taking me on that ride, and not bringing any helmets. According to my sister, motorcycle are some of the most dangerous vehicles to drive on, especially on highways and unpaved roads in the middle of nowhere, and there were a greater chance of us dying in an accident without helmets.
My sister-in-law replied something like “it is not your place to police us like that, the chances of anything like that happening are slim to none, and you are just being paranoid.” They then started going back and forth at each other. It got so nasty that I hid in the bathroom.
I called my mom \[53f\], and she told me that she was coming in a moment. After what felt like forever, my mom came over and meditated between them. When my sister and my sister-in-law calmed down, my mom took me home.
My sister and sister-in-law haven’t been speaking since, which has been bothering me. I feel terrible, since I almost feel like it’s my fault. If I wouldn’t of agreed to going on that ride with her, that drama between my sister and sister-in-law probably wouldn’t have happened. What can I do to end this little fight between them?
TL:DR: My sister-in-law took me on a motorcycle ride to the mountains, which pissed off my older sister. They got in a fight over it, and I felt awful about it. I just want some advice now.
39 comments
If you were my brother and I found out someone took you on a motorcycle ride without basic safety considerations, I would be pissed off too.
You’re 15. You’re not responsible for making the decisions in this scenario, although you should always feel free to advocate for yourself.
Your sister’s response wasn’t effective at accomplishing anything, especially considering the ride was already over and you were safe. It also strikes me as somewhat abusive. It would have been a good opportunity to educate you on setting boundaries regarding your personal safety rather than starting a fight with an adult who clearly already made an informed decision. Ultimately, she cannot police anyone else’s choices, but this could be considered child negligence. Wearing helmets is something that people are extremely emotionally charged about on both sides of the argument, even related to child safety. I’m not surprised a fight erupted over this.
Your sister-in-law was neglecting your safety, objectively, regardless of what she feels about being forced to wear helmets, subjectively. Some people are comfortable with the risk, even for kids, but some people are not.
My personal recommendation is to always wear a helmet, and stay out of this fight. They need to resolve is amongst themselves.
I was ready to tell your sister to butt out until I read that you were riding in the mountains (on dirt roads!! Jesus H Christ!!) **without helmets.**
If this was my sister-in-law (who I love to pieces) and she did something like this with a minor family member I cared a lot about, she’d get a tongue lashing for sure.
Op, you’re a minor. Your sister might not be your parent. But it’s up to the responsible adults in your life to make sure you get to adulthood safely. Usually, what you and your sister in law do in your spare time would be none of your sister’s business… but when it comes to something unsafe? Yah, no, you say something. This isn’t being mad you went out for ice cream. This is riding an already dangerous vehicle through dangerous terrain without basic safety equipment. There’s another comment saying ‘well it was over and done with so why bother saying something?’ Uh, how about to show how dangerous this is so SIL doesn’t do this with you again???
Honestly have no clue what your sister in law was thinking. This is definitely something you clear with a parent if you do it at all… and in all honesty? I would never, ever, ever put a minor on the back of a motorcycle without a helmet. I wouldn’t need to ask their parent because it wouldn’t even occur to me that this was an option.
What should you do? Ask your parents how they feel about this and follow their instructions. If they don’t want you on a bike, so be it. If they want you to wear a helmet? Insist on wearing one if SIL offers again. You don’t need to solve this argument between your sister and your sister in law though. That’s between them. If I was your sister, I’d be livid. I don’t think this thing between the two of them is going to cool down until your SIL recognizes that she was wildly careless with your safety. The fact that your SIL clearly doesn’t see what she did wrong and called your sister paranoid shows me that this will probably simmer for a bit and also that it’s good that your sister stepped in. This wasn’t a momentary lapse in judgement that SIL apologized for. She clearly is anti helmet and wilfully blind to the repercussions of not wearing one to the point that she thinks someone like your sister is paranoid. And that’s dangerous. So it’s a good thing this argument was had because I have absolutely no doubt that SIL would have done this again if something hadn’t been said. At least she’ll think twice now.
And for everyone who’s going to argue about helmets… I think one should be worn. Full stop. I’m not going to argue about it. If you’re an adult and you choose not to wear one, whatever. It’ll be your brain splattered on the pavement and that’s your choice. I wouldn’t call it an educated or rational choice but you’re an adult and you can make that choice if you want. Op is not an adult. He’s a minor and SIL isn’t the authority on whether he needs a helmet or not – that’s his parent. AND If an adult is going to take a kid on their bike, they should have that kid in a helmet. They aren’t able to make an informed decision because they are a literal **child** and they are also most likely an inexperienced rider. Both of these things make the kid unable to properly understand the risk and the potential outcome of not wearing a helmet and as such, they are not able to consent to not wearing a helmet. Not gonna argue over this. If you feel differently, I’m glad you’re not around any kids I’m related to.
I would have done the same as your sister. As soon as I saw those pictures, I would have been in the car to go pick you up, blood absolutely boiling. If SIL was mad at me over it? I wouldn’t give a flying crap. That’s the least of my worries.
They *are* statistically more dangerous vehicles, the chances of something happening are a lot more than slim to none. To take you out for the first time for hours without the most basic protection was abhorrent. But you should stay out of it at this point. Your SIL made bad choices, your sister stepped in where it wasn’t really her place, your mom defused the situation as best she could. Move on. Don’t get on the thing again without a helmet.
It was extremely irresponsible for your sister-in-law to not at least put you in a helmet (it’s reckless that she doesn’t wear her own too, but that’s her choice and not one she should make for you/as a minor your safety is one that should be given utmost importance). She’s right that the chances of something happening are relatively low (although, not that low, crashes happen all the time) but the chances of you *dying* from one mistake is SO much higher without a helmet on.
The issue isn’t that your sister-in-law took you for a ride, it’s that she took you for a ride and *didn’t take proper safety precautions.* If you’d gone on the ride with a helmet, it would likely be a different story.
Your sister is right. In terms of fatality rate, they are close to 30x (thats not 3x, thats **thirty times**) higher than cars. The not wearing helmet part is so much worse.
Also, idk how dumb your sil is, but most riders will have had some exposure to the basic safety gear (helmets, proactive jacket/armor, etc). so she knew what she was doing was very risky/irresponsible, especially since you are too young to properly understand/accept the risk, yet she did it anyways.
Do I understand you correctly — you were not wearing a *helmet*?
Wow. You sister in law needs to be locked the fuck up for reckless endangerment. Child abuse. It’s almost attempted murder.
>My sister accused her of being irresponsible for taking me on that ride, and not bringing any helmets. According to my sister, motorcycle are some of the most dangerous vehicles to drive on, especially on highways and unpaved roads in the middle of nowhere, and there were a greater chance of us dying in an accident without helmets.
Your sister is right.
This isn’t your fault, but from now on do not go on any motorcycle rides without a helmet. If I was your sister, I would be absolutely pissed at your SIL too.
None of this is your fault. Your sil screwed up and your sister shouldn’t have started a screaming match.
Talk to your mom about how you’re feeling and hopefully she can help you feel better. Do something you like to do instead of worrying. This will all pass in time.
She *didn’t provide any safety gear??* On a *motorcycle*??
OP, I don’t think you understand how close you were to a casket. Even *with* the appropriate safety gear, people get seriously hurt and killed in motorcycle accidents, far more easily than they would if they’d had that same accident in a car. And it can happen *so quickly*. Not to mention that motorcycles are *way* less visible to passersby than cars – if you go down in a remote area, it will be much less likely that the crash will attract the attention of other drivers, and far more difficult for emergency services to find you.
This was *seriously* reckless of your SIL, and your sister is correct to be furious with her. She played fast and loose with both your trust and your physical safety, and I’d advise you to stay out of this conflict. There is nothing you can say that will change the facts of the incident or cast them in a more flattering light. Your SIL may not have acted with malice, but her benevolent intentions could have gotten you killed. She needs to feel uncomfortable about that if she’s going to learn anything.
Wrecks happen to motorcycle riders all the time. So the chances are actually a lot greater than slime to none. You’re 15 you should really be wearing riding gear and so should your sister in law. She may be a great driver but she can’t control everything on the road. She’s 26 she should’ve been a bit more responsible. As for ending their fight there isn’t much you can do. You dit it, its in the past, you made it home safe. The only thing that will work is time eventually they will move on from this.
Edited to add wear gear or at least a helmet from now on
Your SIL is 100% in the wrong and ought to be ashamed of herself.
Even you are old enough to know how important helmets are.
Jesus Christ, the amount of irresponsibility you both displayed in this situation is so difficult to qualify without rage.
I was on your SIL’s side until the helmets bit. OP your SIL was reckless and helmets are necessary. Please do not blame yourself for this situation.
Your sister in law is irresponsible and either doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing or doesn’t give a shit about your welfare. She made an awful, reckless decision and the fact that she’s defending it is insane.
Don’t feel guilty, and while your sister-in-law meant well, she was being incredibly careless with your safety. If another occasion like this arises, do not get on a motorcycle without a helmet. And no fast ways without full gear unless you want to end up as a meat crayon.
Is anyone else doing the math, given the context of the post, and concluding that the sister could be his bio-mom ?
Not that it wasn’t safe, it wasn’t. Buuut…..?
OP, please keep in mind that their fighting is not your fault. It’s your SIL’s job to take necessary precautions when you’re doing activities together and, while your sister is right to be peeved that SIL took the risks too lightly, you should not feel guilty for enjoying the activity. It’s possible there is more history between them that you aren’t aware of, but no one’s anger in this situation is caused by your behavior whatsoever. The only way they can process the argument is to take the time to cool down and then discuss it between themselves. You’re involved in the catalyst for this fight but you are not the cause, and unfortunately you can’t be the solution either.
And now you know for next time. SIL was incredibly, *incredibly* wrong for taking you on a ride without a helmet. You’re old enough to acknowledge this.
Your SIL owes you an apology. And probably owes your sister one too.
When I was 15 I got on the back of a four wheeler without a helmet.
I got flipped and lost consciousness after landing on my upper back. I could have easily been paralyzed that day or killed. Thank God I only had a severe concussion that has affected my memory ever since. This was on a four wheeler going downhill a whole lot slower than motorcycles go and I fell on grass.
Motorcycles ARE fun, but helmets are 100% necessary (and legally required at your age no exceptions as you definitely aren’t in the states that don’t have that law)
That was a long ass favor for your brother. Dude never came back actually. Wear a helmet when you ride a motorcycle…every single time…it’s absolutely insane not to.
You know what the hospital staff call motorcyclists who ride without a helmet?
Organ donors.
No that is not a joke with a morbid punchline. It is a completely factual statement.
If you are in a motorcycle crash at any sort of speed, especially as a passenger, it is almost inevitable that your head and the road are going to connect at some point.
Without a helmet that commonly means a head injury resulting in an immediate death if your family is lucky, or a slow drawn out process where you are brain-dead but biologically alive for a time afterwards if they are not. Either way most of your other organs are likely to be intact and available to donate.
If you are now rolling your eyes at yet another comment harping about not wearing a helmet, I hope the next one will get through to you because the seriousness of this issue can not be overstated.
This is not like saying you should wear a helmet while skating or riding a bicycle. In those cases you still have some ability to control what happens while you fall or crash.
In a motorcycle accident the only things that determine whether leave the scene in a stretcher or a bodybag are preparation and luck.
I agree with your sister. Riding without a helmet is the stupidest thing a person could do. I’m a nurse and have seen what can happen.
So I have a motorcycle and I never ever ride without a helmet. In a minor crash or falling over while standing still – if you hit your head without a helmet can and often is fatal.
Now adding to that mountain roads with variable conditions, other drivers and the fact that having a second person on a bike can make riding it different (balance and weight) I think that the SIL decision was irresponsible. Riding a motorcycle even as a skilled rider with full gear can be extremely dangerous in the best conditions.
Your sister-in-law is a *fucking* moron.
I rode motorcycles my whole life. Let me tell you straight up, SIL is a dumbass for no helmets first off. Also, that’s something you okay with the other side of the family first. You’re 15. Your guardian should have a choice in a risky matter.
You can’t end the fight between them. It’s not your job. Learn this lesson now or you’ll lose a lot of people in life. Also, why didn’t you or SIL know to wear helmets…at 15 you should know that. I know your SIL knows that. Why did y’all do that?
>My sister accused her of being irresponsible for taking me on that ride, and not bringing any helmets.
This.
Riding a motorcycle without clearing it with a parent is a questionable decision by your sister in law. She should have asked someone if it was okay to do since it was someone else’s kid. But, there is a world where someone could say “I am an adult, this teen seems cool, let’s try to do something cool **standard safety precautions** in place.” That ends up as a discussion of risk versus experiences and growing up.
But without a helmet? **That’s reckless endangerment.** It’s not your fault that it happened because your sister in law should have known and taken standard safety precautions. Because she didn’t, she put her husband’s sibling in danger.
You’re not to blame for your sister in law making a bad decision. It’s on her to make this right. Good luck with everything.
>My sister accused her of being irresponsible for taking me on that ride, and not bringing any helmets. According to my sister, motorcycle are some of the most dangerous vehicles to drive on, especially on highways and unpaved roads in the middle of nowhere, and there were a greater chance of us dying in an accident without helmets.
Your sister isn’t wrong and you very easily could have died. Not even because your sister is bad at driving, but there are so many other awful drivers that could hit you.
I think just tell your older sister you learned what you did was wrong and won’t let it happen again. I’m sure after a bit of time they will cool off and start talking with each other. You aren’t responsible for them fighting with each other though. They are mature and can handle their actions themselves.
Your sister is 100% right. Your SIL is **incredibly** irresponsible for allowing you on a motorcycle without a helmet. I know it might not seem like a big deal to you, but you’re a minor. The adults in your life are responsible for making sure you’re safe. She put you in **very real danger** and then doubled down.
Your brother needs to have a serious talk with her about being responsible for minors who don’t have enough life experience to make safety decisions for themselves.
You are **so** incredibly lucky nothing went wrong in those two hours. It’s giving me anxiety just thinking about how you guys were riding around for **hours** without helmets in the mountains.
That women should get her motorcycle license revoked and shouldn’t be allowed around you anymore imo. She can’t be trusted to be a responsible adult. Just thinking about someone doing that with my little brother is pissing me off. I’d go off on them too.
wear a mf helmet good lord
The NO helmets flipped me to the other side. I was with SIL until I read that. There is really nothing you can do to repair their relationship.
Word of advice—Never Ever ride on a motorcycle with out a helmet. I don’t care how far you’re going, always protect yourself.
Without helmets!!! SIL is totally reckless to do this as are you. She deserved that telling off, how dare she!
Not only did your SIL do something incredibly dangerous and negligent, she is either completely ignorant about motorcycles or she lied to you about how safe they are, especially without helmets. Seriously, I’m shocked your mother didn’t freak out even worse than your sister. I would be furious, and it would take a long time to forgive something so stupid and reckless.
This is not your fault. Your SIL is completely in the wrong here.
Your sister is defending your life. Your SIL is defending her right to make poor choices. You didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t need to mediate this argument. Be thankful that you have a sister with good judgment, and remember that even our grown loved ones can make bad decisions.
This advice is beyond the scope of what you asked, but part of growing up is realizing that people will try to get you to do fun but dangerous things, and it will be up to you to decide where you draw the line on fun versus danger. If it’s an activity that involves your body or your mind that you don’t have experience with, it’s a good idea to take a minute and do some research or ask someone like your sister for advice. Plenty of people have survived making really stupid decisions, but that doesn’t make those decisions less stupid.
The absolute balls on your SIL to risk someone else’s child like that.. you are a minor, not hers, and her husband’s brother on top of it! To be frank, I wouldn’t trust her with a cockroach after this..
Okay so I was ready to defend your SIL since my parents are bikers too, I rode with them many times and I got my first dirtbike at the age of 12…
BUT
>it is not your place to police us like that, the chances of anything like that happening are slim to none, and you are just being paranoid.
Like no. That’s just incorrect. Lots of people die, get badly hurt or disabled in motorcycle accidents. Happens every day. Without a helmet that’s basically a guarantee.
Bikers like her, who think they won’t ever make a mistake or crush are what my parents call organ-donors.
She seems to have no sense for danger or responsability.
When I rode with my parents I was dressed like a proffessional Biker from head to toe EVERY SINGLE TIME. A Helmet is the most basic protection you should NEVER go without.
Your sister is right and if I were your mother I would never let you alone with that idiot ever again. Because that’s what she is, an idiot that could have easily killed you!
She thinks she would’nt make a mistake? She does’nt even have to. What if someone else on the street does or an animal runs in front of you. Those are common scenarios…you would be in the hospital right now and if you were lucky still alive.
People like her are what give bikers their bad reputation.
Okay first things first you did absolutely nothing wrong and are not to blame at all and you are just fine. You had an amazing time wirh your SIL which is a dream come true for a family and you did nothing wrong and chose nothing wrong.
Now the motorcycle part. Obviously your SIL has a different view than your sister bc she rides herself and loves it. Did you nor have helmets on the ride or simply pose for the pic without a helmet? Not having a helmet is reckless, but that is HER fault and not yours. You’re still golden my dude. Your sister clearly loves you and is concerned for your safety. She overreacted by making such a big fuss about it, she could have simply brought it up bc nothing happened (thankfully). Your SIL could have reacted way better by apologizing and getting you full gear promptly. But here again, there is norhing you could have done. This fight was brought up because your SIL wasn’t providing the safest standard according to your sister. that thwy dont talk ro wach other now is not your fault.
Here is what I would do. Go to your sister, tell her you love her and tell her you appreciate that she is so worried about you and that you feel loved that she cares about you. Then say you now feel guilty bc they argued and you feel like it is your fault and it is a big wish for you that she sits down and resolves this issue with your SIL because you dont want to be responsible for wedging this inbetween your family. Then let her be, no matter what she chooses to do.
Ask yourself if you enjoyed it and if you would like to continue to do this activity with your SIL. If yes, ask your parents what they think of motorcycles WITH PROPER GEAR. Then go to your SIL and tell her you really appreciated the recreational time with her and loved the ride and you would like to continue to do this with her, but it is very important to you to do this with proper gear bc you want to ease the worry of everyone else and not die.
If you dont want to drive motorcycles, I’d still go to your SIL, say you enjoyed the time with her but you now feel like this got out of hand and then just propose something else you could do wirh her.
I cannot stress enough how nothing of this is your fault. You had a fun day and they ruined it for their own understandable reasons and no one thought this would get out of hand this far. Them now not talking to each other is their childishness, but has nothing to do wirh you.
>My sister accused her of being irresponsible for taking me on that ride, and not bringing any helmets.
Your sister is absolutely right.
Slim to none chance of something happening? Who the fuck is she kidding? I was on her side until I saw that. Your sister was right. Your SIL is a bloody idiot.