Hello, reddit. If you are here to take time out of your day to read this, I very much appreciate you. I have so many feelings I can’t help overthinking and crying and now i am heading into panic attack territory.
so, two months ago, i was on tinder. I have an extremely high sex drive and basically had no business there. I was just bored and swiping. I have been single for years and I hardly date.
Then i match with someone i usually wouldn’t go for, Lets call him Ben. He’s 26 and seems to be an animal lover (I study plants and i love animals so this interests me right away) turns out we have everything in common, and we can just talk for hours on hours and have wonderful conversations. We truly clicked, which doesn’t happen to me often, as i can be a bit odd and people in my region usually don’t understand my conversation dynamic (yeah… im a little strange to most). Then we meet and we click perfectly in-person! And the sex is just…. the best i’ve ever had. Unexplained chemistry I have never felt before. So, basically over the course of the next month, I fell in love. We both weren’t looking for anything, but the feeling seemed very mutual (he gets drunk and tells me he loves me… sober thoughts?) so basically, we continue talking nearly every day, and i think i am falling for this guy that seems to like me too!
Well, on my birthday, I noticed he was still on tinder… and updated his bio to reflect something very recent. I was very hurt but ignored it because i wanted to be happy again with him. this is probably where i went dumb. his birthday is a couple days after mine, and I noticed several alarming behaviors: flipping phone over, drinking way too much (20 beers out of a 24 pack in a couple hours) doing coke at 11am, and consistenly gloating about himself and his accomplishments, telling me my best friend probably wants to fuck him, just acting like a grade A douche. I have a tendency to let people walk all over me but I was considering ending it already… i really like this guy.
Then he comes out with a bombshell that he has gotten a girl pregnant, the girl he used to hook up with before me. I didn’t know how to react, and he pretty much made me feel guilty for not being his therapist about it, and since i didn’t know how to react or how to handle this situation. he also hid this from me the entire time i was with him for his birthday but he didnt bring it up because he didnt want to “ruin his birthday” (thoughts?) i decided to back out while he figured things out. Ben took this EXTREMELY hard. i got many sorrowful texts apologizing and declaring his love for me and basically telling me how great i am and how much he misses me, blah blah.
Well, i was lonely. i missed him a lot, though i was trying not to. so i have an idea: maybe i could continue the sexual relationship but be aware because this man has a potential to really hurt my feelings. so, we started talking again, then talking a lot, and i missed it so much…. then i realized why i was in that situation in the first place. He told me hes slept with two people while we haven’t spoke, without a condom, (it hasnt even been a month btw) and it just made me pretty sick. I asked him “so that’s your response to being upset at me?” which he says “what else was i supposed to do? i was in pain, you left me” something along those lines. The mix of the immaturity of this answer and my insecurity/jealousness immediately made me feel super sick about this man. I lashed out jealously and asked if he could get tested, which he seemed offended about. I have so many feelings for him, i’ve realized, and i think im gonna end up hurting myself. He’s the only person i fantasize about daily; i want to talk to him all the time, i think about him so much its affecting my schoolwork. But yet, he kinda sucks. So theres my predicament… so many pros AND cons.
Do I keep on seeing this mess of a man? I really love the sex and the amazing things I feel for this man when things are good. But holy hell. I’m not even that involved again and i’m so upset. I don’t care about the girls as much as i do him hooking up unprotected as soon as we stop talking. he has impulsive and unstable behaviors. I feel like if i were ever in a relationship with him i would most likely be cheated on or get my heart broken. oh and also he consistently unfollows and refollows his ex that is in a relationship on Instagram (another thing: he brings the crazy out of me!!!! i have never been so crazy about someone i check their following on Instagram for Christ’s sake).
Or should I run, run for the hills? I’m a senior i college and things are going well for me… i don’t understand why i had to do this to myself.
Enjoy it while it lasts? Or run to prevent getting more hurt? I am afraid of being hurt but i don’t want that to hold me back from feeling good things ive missed out on for so long….help…….
tldr: met someone that i’m pretty crazy about. well, he kinda sucks and has many red flags, and i need an outsider’s opinion.
14 comments
Commenting because I’m in a similar situation and don’t know what to do about it myself.
Hey, what an experience…I think you should take charge of what you feel…obviously his behavior makes you uncomfortable or you wouldn’t have written it so extensively…the sex you like? well he can be your sexual friend but realize that he himself has no control over it…do you really look for a man like that in your life regardless of the good sex?
Run for the hills. Don’t dig a deeper emotional hole for yourself with someone you know it isn’t going to work with.
Good grief. Stop seeing this dude. Block him.
I don’t know if you are keeping count of the cons but they far outweigh the pros. You are dating a narcissist that happens to be an animal lover and you have sexual chemistry. If you continue in this relationship you are bound to get burned and in the process it will be a rollercoaster and you are not in control of the outcome. Some people want that for excitement the honeymoon period will pass very quickly.
run for the hills as fast as you can, when you reach the hills keep running and never ever look back. this guy is an absolute disaster and the sooner he is out of your life the better. yes he presented himself one way early on, i do get that. here is the reality though: people cant hide their true selves for very long and his true self popped out. also please consider that he love bombed you in the beginning by being exactly who and what you wanted to lure you in. with a narcissist when they do this the next move is to pull the rug out from under you leaving you to endlessly try to recapture the person they once were. here is the thing, you never ever will because that person was a fake.
He’s doesn’t own the last great wiener on earth or even your city. I promise. Dirt bags are often really fun in bed, it’s literally all they have to offer. Stop messing with this guy and take your peen-colored glasses off and see him for what he really is… an irresponsible LOSER who has risky sex with strangers and is about to ruin a little innocent person’s life bc what kind of a dad do you think this guy will be? Don’t be part of his sleazy dramatic life, you are absolutely better than that and you know it.
“Enjoy it while it lasts?” It doesn’t sound very enjoyable. He is about to be a father with an ex, he drinks, does drugs and has unprotected sex with multiple partners. Good Lord where does he redeem himself. You are about to finish college, a big accomplishment, and start a career. don’t drag yourself down with this clown.
People are already saying run for the hills so here’s my little insight: no good will come from this. Continuing a relationship with this man will have drastically negative consequences. As difficult and painful as it is, leaving is the right call.
Loneliness can be terrifying, but it’s better than anything he’s offering you. “They say the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don’t.” Loneliness is a much easier inner demon than whatever is left after staying with him.
You know, I see that with all of our reduced actual social interaction over the last couple of decades, we are not becoming more comfortable being alone. This saddens me.
Know that you deserve better. Know that you deserve to be loved, prioritized, cared for by someone you can also take care of. And, if this internet stranger can believe that and you can’t, know that you have work to do before you’re ready for a forever relationship, whatever that looks like for you.
My motto is, I’d rather be (even miserable) alone than miserable with somebody. When my husband (11 years now) and I discussed marriage, I explained that I didn’t NEED him. That I was satisfied with me, and that I knew exactly what I would and wouldn’t tolerate. That, if you’re going to be in my life, you have to ADD to my enjoyment, not take away. Do I ask a lot? Hell yes, but I give back as much or more.
If you look at my comment history you should understand my life generally sucks. Murphy’s law has nothing on me. So why bring people in that will only make it worse? By the way, I cannot make it without my husband. Seriously, I’m alive because of him. But that grew out of us knowing ourselves and learning about and growing with each other. We have a couple of disputes, but I wouldn’t be here if they were big issues, or primary in our relationship.
I know dating isn’t fun, and I don’t envy those who are. But each and every relationship teaches you more about yourself and what you are and are not willing to live with.
Unprotected sex with random people. Oh hell no. Run and don’t look back and while you run get an STD screening!
the sex is THAT good??
You said all these negatives (drinking, drug use, getting girls pregnant, raw dogging everyone, getting mad when you ask him to get tested…)
But the dicks good? That dick has been in every girl in town lol 😒 OP, with peace and love, get some toys, leave this clown, and finish your education ❤️❤️❤️
Each time you have sex with him, you’re training your brain to be more emotionally bonded to him. That’s what oxytocin does, your body releases it during sex.
To be blunt, I don’t think you are someone who can keep sex and feelings separate, and you will continue to be hurt if you engage in casual sex.
Right now, what you’re feeling is akin to a drug withdrawal (literally, in your brain), that’s why you keep wanting to see him.