My girlfriend (27f) and I (26m) have been together for about 6 years now. We have an amazing relationship. There is nothing about it that I would change. However, there’s this guy who I “shouldn’t worry about”, that I cannot stop worrying about. So here’s some backstory:
My girlfriend is a nurse who finished nursing school a few months ago. She made a group of friends in her cohort who she has become really close with throughout her time as a nursing student. Nursing school is tough, especially in an accelerated program like she was in. With that said, she wanted to find a group of friends who she can study with, share notes, etc.
Fast forward and she’s part of a friend group with about 8-10 people. One day, early on in her program, she is invited to a beach night and invites me. It was a fun night for everyone, including me. I got to meet all her friends and overall, it was a good night with good people.
As time passes, she continues to spend more time with this friend group which shrinks to about 4-5. They would go out to eat after studying, go to each other’s house for small parties, Friendsgiving, etc. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but my GF would at times choose to hang out with her friends over me. This was hard at first because this was the first time we had started to spend time away from each other. I started to feel really lonely. I did my very best to not let my feelings get in the way she enjoyed her free time outside of a grueling program, and wanted her to enjoy her time aside from our relationship.
At a certain point, I had to tell her how I felt. She understood but told me she only chose to hang out with them so often because it helped her with tests, classes, etc because they were a good group of students. I sucked it up and continued to keep my feelings out of her way.
More time passes and this trend continued. She would be too busy studying, or too tired for a lot of things that pertained to our relationship, but would frequently go get drinks or eat after classes. I brought this up and said that her studies were so grueling that hanging out with these friends helped her escape and it was something different than I could provide. I started to feel like I was being unreasonable. This is where the guy comes into play.
My girlfriend goes out one night for a get-together with her friends, and it was expected to be a long night, one where she may need to spend the night. She ends up spending the night and letting me know that she will be sleeping with one of the girls. I didn’t think anything of this, I just wanted to make sure she was safe and not driving after she had been drinking. The next day, I don’t hear from her until about 2 PM the next day. Apparently, her phone was dead. She didn’t think to charge her phone when they woke up in the morning, or use any other way to let me know she was okay. You can imagine how worried I was for her safety all morning. She actively shares her location with me but her phone was dead so that was no use.
After a long argument, she tells me that one of her friends, who gave her a ride home that morning, who I met that night at the beach, told her that he had a crush on her. She told me that she turned him away and told him that he needs to understand that he cannot have those feelings for her. I couldn’t understand how she could simply “forget” to charge her phone in the morning, realizing the time and that I probably had been calling or texting her. She had no explanation other than she wasn’t thinking straight. She told me that she didn’t like hanging out with this group because of the type of people they were and that she just wanted to fit in. She acknowledged that the way I had been feeling is understandable and that she realized she was choosing them over me. So she said that wouldn’t happen anymore. But it did and for the first time in our relationship, I had trust issues. I couldn’t trust her the way I did before.
She continued to hang out with them and nothing changed. Then one night, she was out late again and had to give this friend a ride home. She let me know she would be leaving soon and had to give him a ride home, asking if I was okay with that. I told her I was because I wanted to show her that I’m trusting her to make the right decisions. Eventually, she left the party and gave him a ride home and I told her I was going to get some sleep. About 2-3 hours later, I woke up in the middle of the night with an urge to check her location. I check and she is at the location where I know he lives,
The next morning we have a long conversation and nothing happened that night, She said she didn’t cheat on me, he didn’t try and make a move, but she did admit that they sat in the car outside his house for about an hour, maybe more just talking. I told her that I could not trust her anymore because she had crossed too many boundaries of trust.
Fast forward a few months later as we try to rebuild our trust, I’ve noticed that she and this guy have followed/unfollowed each other about 3-4 times on Instagram over the course of a month. But she does not hang out with this friend group nearly as much as she did before.
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Sitting in the car for an hour outside his house? Even if that WAS the truth that’s still a very weird thing to do when in a relationship. Especially with someone who confessed their feelings for you.
That accompanied with the following and unfollowing. They’re clearly battling out something privately and she can’t give this guy a clear answer. Normal friends don’t follow and unfollow frequently. He’s not a friend.
I would tell her, **”I’m not comfortable with your friendship with this man anymore. I see you following and unfollowing each other frequently in such a short time. That’s not normal friend behavior. You need to come clean to me what your relationship is with him or I’m done.”**
There was a similar post which received a great answer.
To cut it short: if she is going to cheat on you with this guy, she will regardless of the fact that you will be worried and paranoid about it or not.
My advice would be, as you have already done, to state clearly that this situation doesn’t make you comfortable and that you don’t want to control her actions or forbid her to do anything. Even though you have already spoken your mind, she doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, and that’s a bad sign.
Anyway, should she do anything, do not think even for a moment that it will be your fault. To be more clear, if she decides to cut contact with this guy and should she ever try to guilt trip you into having forced her to, you won’t have done anything wrong. If she cheats on you, it won’t be your failure or fault, but just a manifestation of an immature behavior of hers.
PS the dead phone thing is never a good sign. Sending a message takes 1.2 seconds
She’s been cheating for a while buddy. She’s only a girlfriend. She will be banging one of her new Doctor friends soon anyway. Stop being her doormat and dump her.
If your story is true she def cheated on you. Try to get the truth out or keep wasting time.
She is both of your gf at the present time. Some part of you knows this, but you seem to lack respect for yourself to do anything expect make boundaries and refuse to act when they are crossed. What has your expression of concern netted you? The acknowledgment of her suspect actions? Nothing.
Now is the time to put up or to shut up. You can see what is about to happen/is happening. You must act decisively for yourself at this moment.
Ok, so from what you wrote I wouldnt say that she is cheating on you. It does sound like she enjoys the attention of this guy, or at least his friendship, but that alone isnt a sign that she will go any further. I would agree with the redditor who said if she truly does intend to cheat on you, she will do so anyway regardless of how paranoid you are about this guy. Not saying that this is whats going to happen.
However, I have the feeling – and I don’t mean to offend you in any way – that you are kinda dependant on her, and this may be the cause why you are a bit insecure about the relationship and ask yourself whether you can trust her.
I think so because you said you feel “lonely” when she goes out with her friends frequently, and how you felt when she didn’t answer her phone for half the day. You should fill the time she’s out with her friends with your own social activities, that way you dont sit around worrying about what is going on with her at the moment. Just saying this because it is just like that for me.
Another idea how you could maybe regain your trust is to meet those friends of her in person. How about you ask her if you could join the friend group next time? That way you can gain a better feel on the group dynamics and also on her relationship with the guy in question.
Wishing you all the best!
The trust you mentioned rebuilding seems to be your faith in your partner’s good intentions. But I don’t think good intentions are enough. Maintaining a relationship requires trust in your partner’s ability to resolve the situations that antagonize the relationship.
Here’s the real trust issue: Do you trust your partner to resolve her feelings for this other man? It is obvious to you that she has some sort of feelings for him. Take that as a given and don’t waste time forcing her to admit these feelings. Ask yourself if you believe she can resolve those feelings. IF you trust her to resolve these feelings, then focus on what you’re going to do to maintain the relationship while she’s working on that. IF you don’t trust her to resolve her feelings for another man, then focus on what you’re going to do to end the relationship. Good luck.
I think she cheated on you.
As soon as you here the words “you don’t have to worry about him” it’s already over. It’s like women are pre programmed to say the exact same thing every time. If you really didn’t have to worry about him she would have never talked about him at all.
I genuinely hate to give this kind of advice but it might be time to check her phone etc