Hi all, i am having a rough path with my husband… we’ve been together for over 20 years and have two kids together. We had lots of difficulties and I was feeling like shit and like i am just here to clean, cook and look after the kids… i lost myself… didn’t know who i was and what i like anymore. I am also suffering from depression and a borderline personality disorder…. sooooo that doesn’t make it any easier! We had our ups and downs like every couple does… and I wanted to end it two times already. The last time I wanted to end it i got sick to my stomach and everything started spinning. Then we decided to take better care of our relationship! Welllllll that didn’t really do a lot! I don’t feel love… if someone asks me if i love my husband… no, but I like and respect him! Is that normal after a 20+ year relationship or do u still feel the love?
Add-on: I am not looking for butterflies in our relationship ;)… we are not at the beginning of our relationship anymore.
6 comments
I would still expect to have some love feelings…otherwise what’s the point?!
I mean… you’ve got a lot going on here. I’ve been actively in love with my husband since we were kids. You need to take care of you for sure. Make yourself a priority. Perhaps he needs to make you one too? Perhaps you need to make him one? Idk I’m not there and there’s not much to go on.
But after 16 years and three kids, yes, I’m still very much in love.
The problem is you. You think love is a feeling. It’s not. Feelings don’t last and they change constantly. Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. You CHOOSE to love someone. You choose to stay with and loyal to someone. That is what love is, nothing else. You are the problem when you say you can’t feel the love. You are looking for a spark that doesn’t exist right now and it will never exist again unless you start understanding what I said above. There is no man on this planet that can make you feel loved 24/7 for 20 years. You’re asking for something that’s not realistic.
Nietzsche said: “The best friend will probably acquire the best wife, because a good marriage is founded on the talent for friendship.”
If by love you mean butterflies in the stomach grow up.
I don’t think it is normal that you don’t feel a type of love, passion or excitement towards your partner at all.
I think you should explore why you wish to continue the relationship. To me, if it was a list of logistical reasons (money, avoiding divorce, hassle of possible move or living elsewhere)- then things have already devolved.
Do you guys do date nights or anything or that nature? Do you still romance each other in any way?