His thing is that I “am not fat” but that I could “slim down” as his ideal type are women who are petite. Mind you I am 5’6 and am 149lbs, no flat stomach but I am not unhealthy. His point is that he cannot have a partner who is inactive and does not exercise, i.e. does not take care of their health. My thing is that I am a full time student, work 30+ hours, and am part of an internship as part of my last year of university. Needless to say, I don’t have the means, energy, or even the time or money to afford to work on my weight like he thinks I should be. When I mention my situation he talks about how 10lbs can be lost in a month without adverse health effects. He talks about how he sees losing weight as easy.
He has made it clear what his standards to a partner are: needs to be clean, needs to cook, keep a place tidy (because he can do all of the things a woman can do too), be active, etc. We have spend a lot of time together and have gotten very close, and I mean close. One thing that he has brought to my attention is that I smell of BO, and that I should shower more. I have explained that I shower before seeing him and that I smell because I sweat (from physical activity). However what he has explained to me is that me not showering often is a sign to him of uncleanliness and laziness.
I have been very transparent at the very beginning that I am a bisexual woman. Just recently he has expressed that he could not be in a relationship with someone who is bisexual. I explained that us being together would make us a straight couple, and have expressed how loyal I would be especially in a committed relationship. He grew up in a traditional and conservative household, so the idea that people can be anything but straight is off putting or weird to him. Since this conversation I have been questioning my sexuality, but am unsure if it’s because of him…I don’t want to come off as easily impressionable. Just him asking me why I am into girls has made me overthink and wonder why I am the way I am.
On top of all of that, he continues to use the r slur after I have asked him not to. I keep thinking that since I compromised that he would too. I feel ashamed and embarrassed when I talk to my friends about this, because I feel weak and embarrassed.
He has told me he wants to pursue me and continue to see me. Yet why does it feel like complaint after complaint, and that I am being controlled by someone who isn’t even my boyfriend? I find myself to be a very patient person, but all of these requests and requirements feel overwhelming. Yet he has stated time and time again how these are his preferences and standards, that he will not lower his standards for anyone. I feel like I can still give him another month, but every time I give my perspective I am seen as lazy or unwilling to being a potential partner.
TL; DR: Am I in the wrong for thinking that high expectations of a potential partner are unrealistic & are an attempt to change me as a person?
8 comments
He is older and that could be a factor but his approach is simply rude. He is checking things off like he is ordering from Amazon. He definitely wants to be in control of any relationship his robot should be shipped anyday. You should provide a checklist for him and see how he feels about it I am sure he would not like it if the tables were turned.
Op, put this guy back where you found him. He’s too old and immature for you. Don’t lower *your* standards. Hold out for the guy who’s respectful and likes you as you are, not for what he thinks you should be.
It seems you guys aren’t compatible and it’s requires a looot of changes from your side to be with this dude. Do you think is worth it to change yourself to be with him ? Also he seems controlling … he just wanna to make you his doll.
Do NOT get in a relationship with this guy. He is a walking sack of red flags already and you haven’t even started dating. If he has the audacity to act like this before you are dating, it will get exponentially worse from here. Dating this man will ruin your self esteem. If he wants a girl who is cishet and skinny as a twig, he can go find someone else. You don’t have to change for anyone, let alone someone who is going to constantly talk down to you like he is. He clearly has no respect for you and you deserve better.
Listen to how he talks about you, and you’re not even in a relationship. This wouldn’t get better if you were, it’d get worse. He doesn’t want to be with you because he likes you, he wants to be with you so he can change you to be what he wants. You can’t be a human being in this relationship. You have to be the perfect maid/sex doll for the rest of your life.
he’s a dumbass. don’t date dumbasses.
Um… so… what do you see in this guy exactly? Like, what could possibly be so redeeming about him…? Genuine question? Is the sex *that* good?
>>He has told me he wants to pursue me and continue to see me. Yet why does it feel like complaint after complaint, and that I am being controlled by someone who isn’t even my boyfriend?
Because that’s what’s happening? He is, on some level, trying to turn you into the supplicant in this relationship, so you will keep trying to mold yourself to his standards to seek his approval? If he really thought you weren’t the one for him, he would just break up with you? Saying he wants to be with you but constantly negging you is a clear sign that he wants to control you.