Hi all, 30 year old male here and I’m at my wits end. My gf and I have been dating for 2 years, however we’ve been close friends for many many years (since highschool).
We didn’t date back then due to going separate ways for college but we remained essentially best friends. 2 years ago, we decided to be together and ever since then I have struggled endlessly with thinking about a couple of select guys from her past.
I’m aware it’s a “me” problem and I’ve been going to therapy for 1.5 to try to get to the root of it. She’s 30 as well and she’s been with 7 guys – which isn’t “a lot” to many people, especially in their upper 20’s / 30’s. Each of these guys she was dating but some longer than others.
I don’t get bothered in the slightest by the ones she dated long term. It’s (2) of them that for some reason bother me (it seems that I don’t think they meet someone standard I think they should).
I’m worn out and it’s not fair to me nor my gf but I’m unsure of what else to do. She is aware I have dealt with this (I’ve confided in her as I believe in honesty) but I haven’t made her feel wrong or bad.
She talks about wanting marriage and looking forward to having a family together and I just find myself holding back because I don’t want to deal with these thoughts for the rest of my life. I have OCD and I can see that it shifts focus, I believe this is one thing it targets.
Thanks for listening and offering advice,
6 comments
The harpies on here will tell you her past doesn’t matter, you need to do better, man up, grow up, etc. And insult you in every way under the sun. They’re lying and they’re bad actors because they have to maintain the culture of “Our Past Doesn’t Matter” so they can avoid the consequences of their own past. If after 2 years it still bugs you, it’ll bug you in 20 years. If you can live with it, marry her. If you can’t, end it before it gets any worse.
What specifically is the holdup here? Why are you so focused on those 2 past partners?
I think you should put yourself in her spot. If she came to you and said, “hey you slept with this person in your past and that’s really gross to me and I don’t see myself marrying you because of it” what would you say? What would you hope she would do?
Well. Your compulsive thinking about this is probably a symptome of your OCD.
Of course, you could always end things with her. But that would be veeeeery stupid, but then again mental issues like OCD often lead to self-distructive behavior in one way or another.
And yes, 7 is not a high number. Also you are older now, women around you are also older. The number of former sex partners typically does not decrease the older people get. 😉 Thus the odds of you finding another partner who you have an equally great relationship with but who has significantly less former sex partners are not great.
I would explore your thought that this could be related to your OCD. You need to either come to peace with this or move on out of the relationship as it sounds like part of you is indirectly judging her for sleeping with people you deemed undesirable. It really is irrelevant that you deem them undesirable- you weren’t there and don’t know the circumstances and was not her. To me, it is an issue of disagreement with her judgment that you can’t do anything about anyway, nor can she, and it does not appear to shape or define her.
If you want to change maybe look into talking with a therapist or counselor