I (33F) have been with my husband (41M) for 10 years now (married for 5). He’s a great husband. He supports all my academic and professional goals, celebrates all my successes, divides all domestic work equally, is great with my family and is always loving to me. We had some struggles during the pandemic as we had moved to a different city for work and then got stuck in a new place in lockdown where we had no friends or social life.
I particularly struggled with not having any friends in the new country and when lockdowns were eased after nearly 2 years, i started using Bumble BFF to make female friends. I met a few women but didn’t really end up making any good friends. Around this time, my friend from home happened to introduce me to a friend of hers (34M) for some work that I had. I have known of this guy for years since they went to university together, but I had never met him. Well, we invited him home and we ended up getting along really really well.
This guy is single and initially our conversations mainly revolved around his dating life. Later, we just bonded in general and now we talk all the time about everything and anything. The thing is, he’s exactly what I wanted, a friend! He comes home for dinners with my husband and I, we go for walks and to local restaurants (him and I). The problem is that for the past couple weeks, I have realised that I’m sexually attracted to him. It’s weird, coz he is not my physical type at all. But I love our conversations and the time that I spend with him is just so much fun!
I love my husband. I will not cheat on him. But i basically am texting or calling or meeting my friend all the time. My husband is not the suspicious or jealous type. He’s delighted that I have a friend finally and that I’m happy. But I’m just so guilty all the time. Coz while I won’t act on my feelings for my friend, I know that it’s wrong and would definitely qualify as emotional cheating . And if i stop talking to him, i go back to not having a friend here, which just makes me miserable.
What do I do?
Tl:Dr
I have a crush on the only friend that I have in a foreign country. And while i won’t cheat on my husband, i dont want to let go of the friend for fear of being friendless again.
16 comments
If your husband is not the jealous type, then maybe do some research on what a healthy poly relationship is, and how to present that to your husband and your friend to create a poly dynamic that works for all 3 of you. Because, in reality, you are already in a Poly relationship with your friend and your husband. You just need to see if that can evolve into including a sexual relationship with your friend and your husband.
Just do the right thing for you husband
You need to put space call it a break unfortunately your emotionally cheating now and I know you say you don’t want to lose him but if you keep this up your going to lose your husband these usually don’t end well put your energy back into your own relationship with your husband and trust me he’ll figure your emotions out and probably already has the way you look at this guy , appearances and more frequent calls etc. sorry but if you don’t stop all your doing is hurting your husband and once he figures it out he’ll never trust you again yes probably divorce even at the emotionally cheating stage so best of luck
This is sounding like the type of thing that can easily turn into and emotional affair that will eventually become physical.
I understand how frustrating this must be, but unless you think you can actually extinguish the romantic feelings, you’re going to have to end things with this guy. I get that this is the first friend you’ve made in this new space, and exactly what you needed, but you’ve introduced romantic feelings now and that’s just a bad idea.
You tell your husband.
So many bad stories have as a component “I thought I could control my actions”. Exposing this situation to light will help to add oversight to decisions you are making regarding this other person.
A crush is one thing but you are engineering time with them under one reason to gain a hidden benefit that stands to jeopardise your relationship. You can make other friends but you may not be able to make another worthy marriage. Stop being giddy and do what must be done.
Just stop being friends with that guy, it’s the only way.
you’re already cheating on him
You know what you have to do, you just don’t want to do it
stop dating your friend and start datikng your husband. you mahy not realize it, but the way you describe the situation sounds l;ike you’re dating your friend. set better boundaries, share less emotionally intimate things, and date your husband. in fact, ask your friend for tips on how to date your husband to set a clean boundary
You should probably keep some distance. I know it may seem innocent now but you can potentially do something disastrous. I know you enjoy his friendship and all but is it really worth potentially destroying your marriage?
P.S…. Ok this is going to sound weird but are you ovulating or near ovulation? The reason why I ask is becuase when I’m ovulating or getting close I tend to crush on any one that makes me feel good. You said you aren’t physically attracted to him, so I’m thinking this could be it. I crushed on someone during my ovulation and it kind of went on for a month, it’s just something that started during my ovulation, this person not my type but it happened. After asking myself a series of questions and noticed some observation I knew ovulation makes you a bit wonky…I hope this is it for you.
You are basically dating them.
I’d suggest really asking yourself: If you found out your husband was doing all these things with a woman. (Every detail, meeting up, texting and what not) How would it make you feel?
The fact you posted on here answers your question. I’d bet 90 percent of the people who cheated never thought they would.
You’re a dummy
Time spent is bonds built. Until you give yourself space, youll slowly start to lose that battle.
!updateme
Your not a bad person or a bad wife but it seems you spend a lot more time with your friend then your husband. I think because of the time you spent with him made you to obtain feelings for him. Best thing you could do is distance yourself from him.
Keep telling yourself you won’t cheat. What a load of bs. You’re aware you’re emotionally cheating, it’s only a matter of time if you keep up all these dates (coz that’s what they are) till things get physical. If you are serious about wanting to stay loyal, set boundaries with this guy, why don’t you try and do those things with your husband? Your husband sounds like a good man, it’s a shame really here he is happy you made friends when you’re just thinking about smashing him when y’all hang out. Poor dude.
Honestly, I just see this going one way. I feel so sorry for your husband and kids if you have any.