On different wave lengths than my boyfriend.

45 comments

1. So you fall in love with the person he was but now trying to change him, you might not like a different version of him.

   Not everyone have high drive and wishing of an higher level of education.

2. Sounds like a cliche. You were 21 and he was 29 and he got together with you, because you two were roughly equally adults at the time. He has continued to not grow up much, as expected at his age, and you have continued to grow up a lot, as expected at your age. This trajectory will probably continue for several more years as you keep maturing and becoming an even more competent adult, and he will more and more feel like a child you need to take care of.

3. Dump him this guy is dead weight.

4. I have been in a very similar situation! I didn’t end up dating the guy (even though I liked him for 2 years and he liked me for 4), because he didn’t have any goals or drive (as well as some other stuff). I’d say I’m pickier than most, but I know that I wouldn’t have been happy with him

5. >sometimes I think maybe I should be with someone my own age

   That’s you realizing that while you’re years apart, you consider him immature compared to how you think someone his age should act and be like. Don’t date people expecting that they’ll change radically for you; if _they_ plan to, that’s one thing — but you got with this guy, then after awhile started nagging him about being more in line with _your_ life plans.

   You are both clearly incompatible. Date someone you feel matches your maturity level and has compatible life goals.

6. I’m so sorry you’re having these realizations and I wish I could tell you something more encouraging than what I’m about to. My younger sister is your age, in a similar spot in life, and shares a similar-sounding drive as you. And if she were coming to me with this situation, then I’d tell her all of this as well.

   I was in a very similar situation when I was 22 (now 31) and dating an older guy (he was 28 at the time). So from the flip side, I can tell you from my experience that we grew to resent each other and he left me for an even younger girl. He’s now in his late 30s and still working the same kinds of jobs and dating girls your age. He hasn’t changed, never planned on changing, and has continued seeking out younger women who he thinks won’t know to ask for more.

   This might be an unpopular opinion, but here goes….

   If a man in his late 20s/30s is dating (or actively pursuing) girls in college/their early 20s, then that man’s permanent address is his comfort zone. Call me judgmental or closed minded, but I honestly think that it can border on unethical. No one told me this when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen that to be true of my past relationship.

   Who this man is today is who he will be the rest of your relationship. You are still learning your fullest potential and you still have so much room and drive to grow. It sounds as if he’s satisfied with where he is as being his entire potential. There is of course so much sadness here, because when you love someone you see all that they could be capable of. Unfortunately, you can’t love someone into seeing and believing it themselves.

   It sounds like your intuition is telling you that the chapter is closing with him, and that the world has so much more for you out there. You want someone you can grow with, and i don’t think this guy is going to be able to give that to you. You sound smart; you’ll make the right choice for you.

   I hope this helped even a little bit. I feel for you. Good luck

7. You guys need to have a conversation about what you both want the future to look like. If he is happy in his work and doesn’t want to “improve himself” and that is not what you want then it is unfortunately time to call it quits. Just because he’s a great guy doesn’t mean that you share the same life goals which is super important in a partnership.

8. I was you years ago and it was so freeing when I dropped the guy. He wasn’t evil or anything but I outgrew him 🤷‍♀️ Once I wasn’t concerned with him I had so much more energy to live my life unapologetically. Highly recommend 12/10 would do it again.

9. There’s a reason why they say behind every great man is a great woman. There are guys that are definitely motivated to do that on their own. However they can come with a different set of problems to such as independence, time management issues, commitment issues, and all sorts of things. It really comes down to what you value. I think pushing him to be better as part of our relationship. Pushing him to be an adult is a very different thing. Which do you feel that it is? Does he have a hard time just being an adult or do you think you can help bring clarity and help push them to just be better and be with you?

10. I know you care about your BF, but 30-year-old you will be ever so grateful when you dump him. Which is to say, years from now after you move on from this relationship you’ll have the perspective to see that he wasn’t ever going to be the kind of partner you could build a life with and that he purposefully dates younger women because women his own age wouldn’t put up with him.

    You can’t make someone else ambitious. You can’t make someone else get organized in their life. He’s 31, if he was going to be ambitious and motivated you would already be seeing that. Either you fully accept him as he is or you let him go. That means accepting that he will likely always have low-paying wages and won’t be able to combine efforts with you to work towards financial goals like buying a house, having kids or retirement funds. There’s no use dating his potential – that will only leave the both of you frustrated and resentful.

11. getting stuff together is subjective. He may be where he likes to be. this is 2022 and I have to look at things from the expected unwanted yet proposed equality way of thinking.

    If a woman had his status and you were a man nobody would complain. She would just be expected to eventually be more a homemaker and the man be the bread winner even if she remains working for some much lower paying job.Nobody would be looking down on her for her choices.

    Some women do actually end up with the reverse life and are happy with it and so are the men with them.

    Some are more or less somewhat equal breadwinners and well..theres things that come with all 3 choices.

    I guess you have to decide if you can have love and happiness being the breadwinner in the future. I suppose he has to also we willing to accept that as most men find it soul crushing to know their women is more successful than them.

    things to talk about and decide on if you want to stay with him if hes that great. But it kinda sounds like you want a guy who earns as much or more than you, someone more successful? Can he change? sure..does he want to? that the real question and even if he does, will it ever be enough for you? thats the part you will have to ask yourself.

    Also your degree is no guarantee and depends on what you are studying for. There are tons of BA and Master degrees out there with not so great paying jobs and theres people out there with no degrees at all making bank. But realistically speaking where he is at now will likely not change much unless he wants the change.

12. If it bothers you now, it will bother you more down the road.

13. I was in a situation EXACTLY like this. Not breaking up before starting my MS was a huge mistake. I had way more fun a. Being single b. Without the deadweight. I walked away from every interaction feeling so stupid. It took dumping him to realize what a dead weight he was.

14. you can’t polish a turd.

15. Sounds like you know what needs to be done and just need internet strangers to validate what you already know. Do it

16. I had a fiancé when I attended graduate school. I met someone else and fell in love. I called off the engagement. It is difficult to do the right thing. I don’t see that you really want a future with this man.

17. God please move on. Please.

18. Been there and I held on for 7 years. Nothing changed. It’s important to learn how to let things and people go when you outgrow them. I wish I would have left at the 2 year mark when I was still young. It’s your life and you can have everything you want, you don’t have to settle or bend to a person hoping they’ll improve. You’ll have wasted years.

19. Clearly a mismatch.

    You’ll always be uncomfortable with the disparity in education.

    At 31 night classes?

    I sense from your post you just need a little push to begin your life.

    You can find someone who will compliment your age and income contribution.

    Best

20. I think it makes sense to break up. You’re dating someone stuck in the college-age mindset, and you’re maturing out of that phase of your life. He was a fine boyfriend for college but not for life after that, y’know?

    Some relationships just don’t work if both people aren’t in the same place like that.

21. You guys are not compatible. He has no desire to get an education. Part ways.

22. A thirty one year old is not likely going to significantly change their ambition levels. You should assume that who he is now is who he is comfortable being, and his shit is as together as he currently wants it to bel. You can love and accept him for who he is, or find a different partner who already has the qualities you are looking for. It’s not kind or fair if you to stay with this man wishing he’d be a fundamentally different person

23. With a whole BA you don’t see your options 🙃

24. Find and date a young man that’s not only in your age group but has a similar structure to you. You need a man that’s a go-getter and is driven and will thank you for pushing him to be better because he will push you in the same manner. You two are incompatible; move on and don’t expect this guy to want to match you when he’s comfortable just coasting along.

25. Stop waiting for him to get his shit together and move on to someone your age. If you’re not on his wavelength now, it is going to get so much harder as he gets older.

26. Leave ASAP. I promise it will not get better. 100% zero improvement.

27. OP, you’re not obligated to stay with someone just because they’re a good guy!

    Anytime you feel as if your life is headed a different direction than the people around you, I’d always recommend choosing your own. You’re not obligated to stay! And it’s not your job to convince this guy that he could be doing a lot more with his life than what he currently is.

    you don’t need anyone’s permission to go on your separate way.

28. I mean, you are clearly on such different trajectories in life and your paths crossed by some quirk of destiny (or he was looking for a younger girl). For you to stay on the same road would need either him to become useful and ambitious (unlikely) or for you to drop your dreams and you guys drift together. I’ve never seen the first thing happen but many times the second. Don’t waste your life, you won’t get another one.

29. I was in a similar situation. He didn’t go to college and worked low paying jobs, lived paycheck to paycheck. At one point her was laid off and after several months of only playing video games he finally started a college course. Eventually he got a job in that field but dropped the class because he “already had a job” (no matter that they hired him because of the continued education, but I digress).

    The long and short of it was I broke up with him because he refused to take accountability for himself or his life’s circumstances. He didn’t care at all about growing as a person. That lack of accountability and maturity came through in all aspects of our relationship. When I broke up with him, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

30. I just feel like maybe if the love is there to let things run their course and just focus on bettering yourself. Everyone’s saying break up but maybe just focus on you and your personal financials and let him figure things out. I’m sure him seeing you continue your education is motivating to him in a way but perhaps he’s not sure what he wants to dedicate himself to yet? Lots of millionaires didn’t figure it out until their late thirtys/ mid forties. Maybe just continue to have conversations where you’re motivating; just calm understanding discussion about life and goals. Figure out how he’s feeling about his goals or future and try to empathize. I just feel like rushing and pressuring is counterproductive. If a whole lot of time goes by, like years, and nothing changes than maybe you’re not compatible. But I don’t know about the emotional parts of your relationship.
    Just my thoughts

31. As someone who just recently had to have a difficult conversation with someone I love about this very topic, let me tell you that it is worth it.

    Some people never change. They like the way they are and don’t see anything wrong with it. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t make them wrong, just different from you. However, those differences can make it nearly impossible to continue with them because you’re on different paths.

    My ex loves to live in the moment without any plans or thoughts on how his actions will impact his future. He loves living that way. I, on the other hand, require goals and a plan with deliberate actions to get me to where I want to be. I look at his way of life, and it brings me stress like you wouldn’t believe. I literally cannot function as he does. On the flip side, he doesn’t seem like he would do well functioning as I do. Bottom line is this, we are incompatible. Do we love one another? Yes, absolutely, but we can’t have a happy future together unless one of us changes core parts of ourselves. Therefore, the relationship needed to be ended. It pretty much comes down to seeing if being them truly fulfills your wants and needs and that their values are similar to your values. Also, ask yourself the following questions:
    If your boyfriend stayed exactly the same as he is right now, would you be okay with the relationship? Second, if you were to have a child with them (if this is something you want), would you want your son to be like him or your daughter to bring someone like him home?

    I hope this helps you. Please do not feel bad for thinking of yourself, as you’re also thinking of your boyfriend. He deserves to get all of you, and if you’re doubting the relationship, it would be better for you both to talk about it and see where you stand. If walking away is best, then walk away. It may hurt, but it is better to do it now instead of later.

32. That’s a very unfortunate situation to be in. The only insight I can offer is that everyone is great and cool until children, or even just increased responsibilities, come along. That’s when most men change for better or worse. If he is still at that level of maturity at 31, there is no hope for change unfortunately. Nobody ever truly changes, they just learn what’s important and what is not. Most of the time each partner is just left to hope their SO finds value in what they find important. At that age though, habits are not easily changed. Best of luck on your journey.

33. he should be with someone that appreciates him for what he is, and doesn’t see him as an underachieving loser. let him go.

34. You say yourself… you are “forcing” him to try to better his prospects. Don’t you have enough to do without having to drag this guy along?

    Don’t date people for their potential or with the hope of changing them. Date them for who they are.

    You are not a good match for who he is. He’s 31. If he wanted what you want he’d be working towards it on his own.

35. Sometimes that works. If you’re career driven and you want ir for you and can accept him for him he might bring other things to the table. I have a coworker who’s husband was a ranch hand, then a supermarket worker, then a farmer, etc. they have three children, are the nicest people and work extremely well. He does almost everything around the house and she works. Obviously, it needs to fit your needs. Is ir important to you that he outearns you? Is his career something you want to be able to show off, saying your husband has this and that job? Then you need to call it. If you’re fine wirh focussing on yourself, then there is no issue.

36. Jesus some of you are just straight up crazy. Some people want to live simply and as straightforward a life as possible. If you love the guy for who he is but would give him up for a more, what it sounds like, “advantageous” future; then it means you want help with that material future and probably really aren’t that into him anyway. It doesn’t sound like there is anything really wrong with the guy inherently.

37. A few weeks after you dump him you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

38. Do you want a partner or a dependant?

39. I think the only reason he dates a girl your age cause there’s no way a woman his age would date someone as immature as him.

40. He’s telling you who he is. Listen.

41. Break up with him. This is so self explanatory. He’s not 23, 25, or 28 and a little confused with all the options in the world bc he’s in his 20’s. He’s not 30-35 just starting out in a career & on a road to success (bc you’ve seen proof) or switching to a new career bc he’s unhappy in his current profession. He’s a 30 something with no desire to do anything other than just get by. It doesn’t matter at all that he didn’t finish college but since he also doesn’t have anything else going for him that’s just another thing added to the list.

42. Wow I can’t believe the guy dating a woman far younger than him is a deadshit, so surprising

43. When I met my ex husband I was 22 and he was 30. Our maturity levels were similar and unfortunately it took me far too long to realise that while I continued to mature, he didn’t. After 11 years and 2 kids together I finally figured it out (there were other issues).

    If I’d listened to my gut way back when I was 23, I wouldn’t be seeing my kids struggling with the same issues with their dad as I did when I was with him.

    OP, listen to your gut. You might not like what it’s telling you but you’re young and have your life ahead of you.

44. Its ok to break up with someone just because you’re incompatible. Sounds like case here.

    I was in your shoes once – When I was 21, pursuing a degree, and making plans for the future….I was dating a directionless 28 year old with no desire to better himself. After a while I realized he was probably with me because a woman his age would find him immature and unappealing.

45. Don’t date 30yo losers