I’ve (35F) gone on a few dates with a new guy (30M) I met through OLD. After the first date I actually felt like I met a genuinely good, kind hearted guy. The first date went really well, we clicked, the convo flowed, he even held my hand it was super cute. He even asked me what I was doing the next night at end of first date but I had plans with family. He was great conversastionalist, confident and also has gentlemen like qualities. Our second date was low key I just went over to his house. I didn’t want to have sex too soon but I could tell he really wanted to and was having difficulty holding back. I get it, I could tell it had been a little while for him and he confirmed saying it had been a couple months. If that was me it would be difficult for me too. Before we even hooked up he told me he deleted the app we met on because he just wants to focus on me (I checked, he really did) so I don’t think this is about him wanting to get laid. When you’re an adult and it’s been awhile it’s just harder to wait longer. I was seeing someone regularly before him (it didn’t end up working out) so I’ve been more active lately. He said he has no problem waiting but I can tell if we hook up again it’s going to be very hard for him. Not sure if I even should until I am ready. What would you do in my shoes? Not even take anything to bedroom until ready? I’m fine with doing just foreplay until I am but not sure if it would just be too much for him, but then I also take foreplay off the table. Unsure…
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I haven’t had sex in 3 years and if I met someone new no matter what I felt I would wait for her. I think he can handle that couple of months he’s already waited until you are. It’s called boundaries.
And it’s been awhile since he could..hold his head up highhhh
Firstly, I’m shook that a few months is considered any kind of break from sex or enough of ‘a little while’ to warrant anyone struggling to restrain themselves
My (38f) last break from sex (not by choice just pandemic and unsuitable dates) was just over 12 months!
That felt like a life time, so yar can’t really relate on that point.
But on your main point, my sense is that you’re kind of only thinking about him and his feelings and I’m wondering if that’s because something he said or insinuated? Pressure?
I think i’d suggest turning the focus on yourself and asking, do you like him/ are you attracted to him /do you want to be physical?
If answer is no or not yet, then you just do activity /out of home dates & communicate with him that you would like to wait longer before intimacy.
You are responsible for your own boundaries and he is responsible for his, so I guess I’d say go forth and communicate and have fun!
But don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with if the only reason is you feel like bad for some guy who just wants to get laid. . that is not the start of a healthy relationship (in my humble opinion)
I feel like this is a two way street. He’s a grown man and better be able to handle himself. A couple of months without sex isn’t that long when single. But you should only do what you’re comfortable with. Be very clear what your boundaries are. If he tries to push the issue then he’s not the good guy you think he is.
I believe in consent for all parties involved. If you’re wanting to wait, respect that for yourself. Don’t do something because that is what they want. It sounds like he would respect your boundaries.
>When you’re an adult and it’s been awhile it’s just harder to wait longer.
False.
You are projecting your own thoughts onto him.
When you’re an adult, you can learn self-control and respect boundaries.
He already told you he doesn’t mind waiting. Believe him. He wants to be with you and wants you to be comfortable. That’s a good thing!
Do what you are comfortable with.
We need to abolish this myth that men somehow don’t have restraint in sexual situations. He is perfectly capable of holding back and if he’s not then fuck him and get out now.
edit: I mean “fuck him” as in “tell him to go to hell” not like, actually fuck him.
Do what feels right for you! If you don’t want to have sex, don’t have sex. If he’s the right guy for you, he will wait.
Best thing is to be clear about intentions tho!! Explain your point of view and see if he’s okay with that!
Personally, I find sex to be very important factor when it comes to a relationship. So I would like to find pretty early on if I’m compatible in the bedroom with a person. If not, then it’s pointless because it’d be the cause of the end of a relationship eventually.
As said, discuss it with him and see what he thinks and then draw ur conclusions. Keep ur boundaries tho!
I won’t put myself in a position to be alone with someone until I’m ready for sex but I also don’t care to wait that long. I’m kind of an all or none person but I think it’s best to let him decide for himself.
Couple months isn’t hard.
Bless, he will be fine. Wait to have sex until you’re ready. If he is not willing to respect your boundaries then you aren’t dating the right person.
A few months is NOT a long time lol.
I don’t really understand the distinction between foreplay/hooking up, and actual sex. I mean for a lot of queer people, that stuff *is* sex. You’re ready to get naked and sexual with him, but draw the line at intercourse? I don’t really get that. I mean consent and all, but, I just don’t understand the concept of not being “ready” for sex, but being perfectly fine with other sexual acts.. maybe thats just me.
Yes, if youre not ready for sex then keep dates public/out of the bedroom. Thats what I do, until I’m ready for the whole shebang
I get periods of hypersexuality. Rough estimate here, but I’d say that describes me about 20% of the time, although it seems to be increasing. Still, it’s been a few *years* since I’ve had sex, and during these years I have turned down offers and advances for various reasons that aren’t really relevant. My point being: He can wait. Respect your own boundaries, and hold any partner to that standard as well!
Sounds like a creep to me. He’s telling you that he’s ok waiting, but you distinctly feel like he’s not. He’s says he’s serious about you so he deleted the app, and you’ve only gone on two dates… seems manipulative.
A couple of months is no big deal, if a guy can’t wait that long he’s not very into you.
He sounds dodgy. A second date at his house? Nah.
Are you saying that it would be too much and he’d talk too fast? Or, are you saying it might be overwhelming. If it’s the overwhelming thing. I’ve just fine through this after like 2 years drought. The girl I was with was just very accepting and welcoming. We agreed not to have sex at all but then we basically had sex with our clothes on and it was… Hot hot hot. The lack of pressure made it so easy to just flow into each other and we got caught in a feedback loop of desire that kept us touching and making out all night. It was awkward when we first kissed because it was like I had forgotten how to. Then after a few minutes I just kinda remembered that I need to grab her and let me body take over. Anyways, hope this helps.
TBH I do NOT get the whole part of waiting for sex. I would like to know if there is sexual compatibility early on. Set whatever boundaries you need – and I do understand that some people develop feelings when sex starts and they don’t want that to skew their judgment or deal with those emotions when they are still unsure. But. Definitely not something that I relate to.
The push for physical intimacy is honestly less concerning to me than the push for a relationship. Asking someone out on a date the very next night before your first date is over, deleting an app for someone you’ve been on a couple dates with… In my opinion those are signs of someone who’s very much not ready to be dating, especially not looking for anything serious.
I bet if it gets to foreplay, he will want the main course.
A couple months is a while?? Lol damn I’m even worse at getting myself laid than I thought
Hold on to your personal boundaries. A couple of months really isn’t a long time. Besides, he’s an adult, presumably with self control.
An inability to control oneself or if he starts doing things that you feel are inappropriate and he drops the old “I can’t help myself because (insert crappy generic excuse” are huge red flags. If he can’t control himself in regards to sex, I’d doubt his ability to control himself in regards to fidelity, managing money, and every other aspect of adult life.
no way, a few whole months?? Try going years between sexual partners. I don’t feel sorry for this guy at all.
Guys get too much of a hall pass on the whole sex thing. They’re not some degenerate horn dog species who can’t control themselves. They either act like humans, have self restraint just like women, treat people they’re dating with respect or GTFO
A firm boundary you could establish is no visiting each other’s place until you’re either ready or exclusive, whatever your preference. It means that you’re always going to be in public places so less chance for you to go further than you’re comfortable with. If he kicks up a fuss about this, it also means that he’s willing to put his “need” to have sec ahead of your comfort
Sounds like he doesn’t have many other options. Beggars can’t be choosers.
A couple of months is not a dry spell for a dude 😅
It sounds like you know what your boundaries are and it’s great that you guys are communicating. If you want to hold off from having sex for a while, I’d talk to him about it some more and plan some dates that don’t end up in a bedroom. If you’re also thinking 3 months would be too long for you to go without sex, I’m sure you’re not far off with him.
It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to have emotional and intimacy needs. And if there’s a mismatch between what either of you need from a relationship and what the other person’s boundaries are, well it’s always up to you on whether you’re willing to compromise or hold your ground.
I gotta be honest, I’m a bit confused by this post. You say it’s been “a couple months” for him and then say a few times how that means it must be “so difficult” for him to hold back as a result. “A couple months” without sex is…not that long? And shouldn’t really be used to justify anything that goes against what you want, including the pace you’d like to go at.
Just meet him in public until your ready… I’m sure he has restraint!
Just need to make sure the both of you have the same expectations as each other.
Unless foreplay is euphemism for a blowjob , I would ask you not subject that poor man to foreplay and no sex afterwards. Thats pretty much the worst. I think it’s totally fine to tell him your intentions, but it would give him some idea of what he could expect.
Far out, it’s been 5 months for me and I sleep in the same bed as my partner every night. A couple of months when single is nothing.
Since when is a couple of months awhile 😅😅😘
You decide based on your comfort level, not his desire.
Also, from a safety standpoint, I wouldn’t go to a stranger’s place if I wasn’t comfortable having sex.
A couple of months isn’t that long. He’s an adult and should be able to control himself, if he’s interested in you and the relationship long term. People shouldn’t have to just offer it up straight off the bat.
Me and my ex didn’t have sex for two years. I’m an adult, though, and I can wait as long as anyone needs.
But the real tragedy is I’m p sure my sex drive is semi dead or at least fatally wounded and I’m dead inside too so there are all sorts of differences, but my point still stands, when I was still a horny young man and if had been a while (which BTW, two months isn’t, and I’ve had a lot of sex) I still can patiently wait as long as someone needs because, again, adults.
Yeah, sex & this guy is the least of your problems
Men are perfectly capable of resisting sexual temptation. The perception that we can’t just make out without engaging in sex (because it’s somehow too great to resist) is usually one perpetuated by dudes who would try to use that pressure to coerce you into going all the way. I don’t know if I’m disclosing a major trade secret here, but shit like blue ball does not actually exist.
Wait until you feel ready.
I think you’re too worried about him. Worry about your own comfort level. He’s a big boy and can take care of himself. A couple months isn’t that long. You shouldn’t need to use your body to keep someone’s interest in you. If you don’t want to make it difficult for him then just meet up in public places and don’t go back to his house.
The last time he had sex is not your problem.
Ya know what really grinds my gears is when people separate “foreplay” and “sex.”
It’s such a hetero-Puritan thing to do. Like somehow getting naked with a person is just a preamble to “real” things. Who defines real? People with penises? It just really does a lot to confuse what it means to be close with a person and what getting naked means and what consent means, and and and and. I just… HATE the division of “foreplay” and “sex.” Makes my ex-evangelical ex-fundie ex-homeschooler skin crawl. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE STRAIGHTS???
Sex is when people get close to each other and maybe get naked (but not necessarily) and maybe have orgasms (but not necessarily) and definitely feel closer and different than they did before. It is fooling around. It is hooking up. It is intercourse. It is a lot of different things.
Don’t be like “we fooled around but we didn’t have the seggs and what should I do next? and it was hard for him not to put his penis in me.” Have sex or don’t have sex. Don’t draw weird lines around it.
I was in a dead bedroom relationship for 3 years. Get in line bub. A few months? Fucking child’s play
This is what wanking is for. He knows it as well as you do. You’re under no obligation.
“When you’re an adult and it’s been a while it’s just harder to wait longer.”
lol what?
Every sentence of this post is profoundly obnoxious.
Why are you infantilizing this grown man, as though his entire being can be distilled down to an eager penis in crawling across the desert and you’re the oasis off in the distance?
I mean, sure take a minute and be flattered if he’s as into you as you seem to think he is, but to a) suggest that he has gone through some prolonged drought, having not fucked in two months (give me a break), and b) that you are worried that entertaining foreplay “would just be too much for him”, as though your body will destroy his moral core and self control.
Congrats on fucking regularly. Proud of you, really am. But take ownership of your own feelings and boundaries and talking about this person you ostensibly like as if they’re dying of thirst in the desert because they aren’t hitting the headboard as much as you.
jfc.