My friend John is one of the best guys I know. We met in college, lived together, and for a long episode of my life I would have described him as one of my absolute closest friends.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but here goes. When we lived together, we often over-indulged in weed. But John took it the worst. Failed classes, dropped out of school, really went to a dark place. I introduced him to weed, but I never thought it could cause so much damage until I saw what had happened to him. He managed to have periods of sobriety since I graduated, but still works in a kitchen, although he has aspirations to become a music producer, and was working towards a degree in cognitive science.
After we left college, John was still a close friend. We were from the same city, so I’d make it a priority to still see him often despite not living with him anymore. After a while though, John became distant. He would go through periods of not responding to us for months, before coming out of the blue, saying he’s dealing with mental health issues, and apologizing. He confided that he felt ashamed that he didn’t finish school, didn’t get a good career going (I and other friends work in high paying careers), etc.
I told John that I’m always here for him, and I try to reach out to him. But it’s been a year and he hasn’t responded to anything I’ve sent him. He changed his number, hid his stories on Instagram from me, and is active in other places (he even read my messages asking him to please catch up, but didn’t respond).
I’m so hurt over this. I lost one of my closest friends and it feels like I’m being deceived. Why can he talk to others and have friendships with them and not me?
I guess I just need guidance. I need closure. I need perspectives. Any advice is appreciated.
TL;DR: friend has ghosted me for the past year, although our friendship (was) in good health. I need closure/advice.
5 comments
He said he was ashamed and you are still making it about you.
Any reasons beyond it would be pure speculation.
Instead of being upset. Leave it as a quiet door open. Maybe one day he will turn his life around and contact you.
Maybe he just wants a fresh start and having you in his life again might bring back those memories where he slipped off and messed up his life. In fact, he could be afraid that it would encourage him to get back into his old habits.
Either that or he’s doing some shady shit and doesn’t want you to get involved in any way.
Have you tried apologizing to him for introducing him to a substance that destroyed his life? Might be a great place to start.
Like someone else said, stop making it about you. Losing a close friend can be hard sure. But ultimately he has communicated he is struggling – really struggling. In his journey you do not seem to be a positive for him earlier in the friendship and now.
Let the poor guy go, if he wants to reconcile a friendship with you in the future and you’re open minded to it let it happen naturally. Otherwise you have someone that apparently has conveyed to you that they are not doing well and yet you are still the one upset about losing a friendship and needing closure?
You need to let him be. For whatever reason, he has decided that his current lifepath is without you and you need to respect that.
I understand you are hurting and you care about John, but you can’t force another person to feel/act the way you want them to. You have done what you can to show John you are open to him if he wants, anything more starts moving into stalker territory.
Closure ultimately comes from within you. Design a private farewell event/ritual – maybe a letter, maybe a toast, may be a letter in a bottle. Say what you want to tell John, wish him well because I can tell you do, and then let it loose in the universe.
Mourn the loss, go out and try new experiences, you will heal with time and hopefully John will too.