I am almost at my wits end with this. I (27F) have been dating a fantastic guy (30M) for around a year now. He is literally perfect in every way and honestly brings out the best in me. The problem is he wants children while I do not.
He is willing to compromise and explore surrogacy but while I definitely never want to carry a child, I don’t want to raise a child either. The thought of having children makes me feel incredibly sad. I admire people who do have a family but I simply do not have the patience, level of understanding or desire required to be a good parent.
We had a lengthy chat about this last night and although he was very understanding, he made it clear he definitely wants children. For me, it boils down to the fact I would rather regret not having children than regret having them.
I don’t want to throw the relationship away on the off chance I do change my mind (my mother never wanted children and ended up having my older brother and I) but this is making me ill. I think about it constantly and I’m anxious every day at the thought that I have to reach a conclusion with this. I have a hard time holding boundaries so I’m worried I will end up having children down the line as I don’t want to lead him on and have him hope I will change my mind.
Has anyone had a similar experience with a positive outcome or is this something that fundamentally will not work?
24 comments
Yes, you end things. You’re on 2 completely different pages. There’s no need in wasting any more of each other’s time.
It will only be a harder choice the longer you leave it. As someone who is being dumped for a same reason after 5 years, I would of really appreciated the honesty and confirmation sooner rather than later.
Yeah, I would end things. You want very different things in life. If one of you compromises for the other and winds up miserable, you’ll resent the other person in a permanent situation. End things so you both have the opportunity to find someone with similar goals and that you don’t have to compromise to be happy with.
You aren’t compatible. End it so you both have time to find fitting people
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Unfortunately you should end things. I’m on the same boat but now I took it too far and we have been together for years…. and it hurts so much more. Walk away while is all new.
You ( or him) have to end it.
This is a fundamental not compatibly and it’s wrong to stay hoping you will change your mind. You will feel pressured and he will feel misled and lied to.
And I totally get you, I didn’t want kids at your age at all. And I got two of those later. But I never promised to have kids and it was our growth which led that way, not forced solution.
Yes.
You don’t want kids, he does. This is something I brought up on first dates (with people I knew and liked, not tinder dates lol) when I was around your age because it’s important. It can lead to feelings of being unfulfilled or resentment if one person wants kids and the other doesn’t.
I’ve seen it work out too, but the person who wanted kids is always sad about it.
If you stay together one of you will resent the other. Either he will resent you for him never having a child, or you will resent him for bringing a child into the home. You both deserve to be happy, you deserve to be with soneone who also wants to be child free, and he deserves to be with someone who wants children. It doesn’t matter how good he is in all other aspects.
This is a very, VERY legitimate reason to end a relationship. Neither one of you are wrong, but your desires are mutually exclusive so it won’t work out.
Don’t stick around *in case* you change your mind. That’s a recipe for disaster.
Yes, end things.
Its not fair for you wanting him to stay with you on the chance that you might change your mind. Pretty selfish, honestly.
So many of these subs are full of stories like this. They all end in disaster. Whether or not to have children SHOULD be a deal breaker. No ifs, ands, or buts. This is a major life decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly and no one should ever continue a relationship with the hopes that one or the other will change their mind.
In the end, the children are the ones who end up suffering. You’re already making yourself ill over the thought. What happens if you decide to have children you don’t really want to appease this man? How will you handle the resentment? How will you treat the child if you didn’t want them? Pregnancy, birth and child rearing are difficult, the most difficult things you will ever do. There are too many babies born into relationships like this and it isn’t fair to them.
I’m not trying to be harsh but I am having a hard time understanding why you think this man is perfect for you if you disagree on such an important issue. Don’t waste your time with a relationship hoping to change your mind later. It’s quite possible you will, also quite possible you won’t. Maybe it’s just this particular man you don’t want to have children with, for whatever reason. Maybe you just have more life to live and will be wanting the family later. Maybe you’ll decide that the childless life is definitely one you want to maintain. Either way, this is a deal breaker.
He wants kids, you do not. If you talked and talked and came to no conlusion, maybe it’s time both of you found people you’re more compatible with. Imagine yourself giving in and carrying a child for him. There are high chances you’ll resent him down the line. The same thing applies to him. He gives up on the idea of having children and in time he’ll resent you for not fulfilling his dream.
This is something you end things over. There isn’t really a compromise, you either have kids or don’t. But either way one person will not be getting what they want. It’s best to set each other free to fulfill or not fulfill that need rather than waiting for resentment to build and have the break up be worse!
I only read the first sentence. Yes, end it. You’re not compatible. There’s no compromise here. Hell, you shouldn’t have even given him the time of day to begin with.
>I don’t want to throw the relationship away on the off chance I do change my mind (my mother never wanted children and ended up having my older brother and I) but this is making me ill.
Staying because you might change your mind is a really bad idea. What if you don’t? You’ll regret not ending things sooner.
It will not work, resentment will build. Time to break it off. Sorry, I know it’s hard, but this is not something that will work out eventually.
It gets harder with time. I have been married for 9 years to my “playground love”, all this time basically trying to force myself into wanting a child. The amount of sadness and anxiety that I am going through is debilitating. We live in Russia and put the whole baby planning thing on pause when our government started the war, it’s just impossible to think about babies right now. I will need to have this conversation later and figure out what to do with my life, I do not want to deprive him of fatherhood, this is just wrong. But what really makes me sad and anxious is the thought that I might end up living someone else’s life instead of my own. So now I am at least finally frank with myself about motherhood.
Yes.
This relationship is toast, sorry OP 🙁
You are incompatible, there is absolutely no compromise when it comes to having children. You either have them or you don’t. Check r/childfree this type of post comes up all the time.
I’m in a similar situation. I definitely don’t want children but my boyfriend is kind of on the fence. He’s expressed a desire to have children before and I feel like he’s only now deciding not to to make me feel better. I am terrified of him agreeing not to have kids and regretting it 10 years down the line. Sorry I have no advice but it’s a horrible situation.
Fundamental is the correct word. You are fundamentally incompatible.
To string him along with the potential that you might change your mind because your mother gave in eventually is cruel to him and to yourself.
Imagine I said that tomorrow I could offer you sterlisation and you would never have to worry again about getting pregnant. How does that feel? The answer should tell you a lot about how you are feeling.
It is sad for sure, he sounds lovely, but he clearly wants children to raise and you don’t. Bottom line is that you have different goals in life.
You can make it work. Absolutely. However, that will require a whole lot of communication and honesty with each other and yourselves. It will also require someone to compromise and sacrifice for the relationship.
But if you can’t reach a compromise and can’t have healthy dialogue and can’t have the conversations.. end it. As others have said this is a major impass in the relationship.
Good luck.
How is this a real thread? Yes, obviously you end things if he wants children and you don’t.