How do I tell my bf I’m not comfortable trying a particular sex act?

29 comments

1. Verbally usually works if pictures don’t.

   In all seriousness, try and meet him half way. You say you’re not into wearing a dildo, but would you be cool with a prostate massage or him wearing a buttplug?

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3. Don’t avoid the subject, no. Imagine if things were reversed and you were deeply turned on by something he could do for you. It would be nice to know if he’d do it or not, no?

   Everyone gets to have their preferences. He wants to peg, you don’t want to peg. No pegging happens. Would you be ok with doing something related? Fingering his anus? Putting in a buttplug for him? Using a dildo on him (without wearing it)? Consider your boundaries and prepare to offer alternatives, if possible, when you let him know that you do not want to peg him. What about dirty talk? Would you describe pegging him while he uses a dildo on himself?

4. Yeah so just tell him you won’t do it. All men have fantasies that we can’t have. If he’s a big boy he can handle it.

   There are things I would like that my wife won’t do. Life goes on.

5. If you don’t want to, you say “I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that” and that’s the end of it. Unfortunately, he will miss out on some intense pleasure and even your lack of using any toys may end up being an incompatibility. This is something you two really need to discuss and figure out if his fantasies are things he really wants to experience and if you are not the right person from him, figure it out sooner than later.

6. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to try pegging.”

7. “I’m not really comfortable doing that, sorry”
   If he gets pushy its time to consider how the relationship will look down the road

8. I’m sad for him because I like my wife throwing a shot into me every once in a while, but if it’s something you’re legitimately not comfortable with, you don’t have to. And he needs to be emotionally mature enough to accept that, as long as you’re not mean or “grossed out” about it when you tell him.
   I would also encourage you to analyze why you’re uncomfortable with it to see if it’s something you could get past. If not, that’s fine, but if you can, that would be a win for everybody! Good luck!

9. It’s ok to not be ok with someone else’s kink. It doesn’t make them a bad person or you.

   Tell him.

   Then you both have a decision to make based on his reaction.

10. Try EVERYTHING once. If you don’t like it the first time, try it again one more time to make sure. Being pegged is awesome (from someone who NEVER thought he’d experience it).

11. Just tell him you really appreciate that he sharing stuff with you that he wanna try but say that you don’t feel comfortable doing this particular act. It’s just not something your into.

    I’ve had to explain to a bf in the past that I wasn’t into a lot of stuff he wanted to try. I listened and asked him questions about stuff. We were very open with each other and it took him a lot of trust in me to open up. I never acted grossed out or said anything bad about stuff. Just said if I found and act not arousing (off putting) I just said it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t interested in trying that.

12. Watching and doing are completely different experiences. Reality is- you don’t know if you’d enjoy it and you’re too afraid to try it. You should give it a go! Then at least you tried. Friendly tip- he won’t mention it again if you basically reject and ignore the topic, the one time he finally gathered the courage to tell you. Instead he will come to women like me, who will happily bend him over and force my huge BBC in him. And he will pay for it 😉 Tell him where to find me after you guys split up.

13. Never, never do anything you’re uncomfortable doing sexualy just to please your partner. I’ve been there. From getting older the only advice I can give is

    1. If you’re uncomfortable with it don’t do it
    2. Never feel guilty or feel like a bad partner because you are not into it.
    3. If your partner gets pissed because you won’t do what they want but your uncomfortable its not the right relationship for you.
    4. Being in a relationship is a mutual respect for boundaries. You need to set those now! Just know what you are comfortable doing and not doing. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you then he will respect that.

14. When you tell him, it may be useful to help him understand your why, not just your no – and to let him know whether you think there might be scope for a change of heart down the track, or for incremental experimentation that might fulfill some of what he likes about the fantasy. Maybe it would be useful also to hear his why – there could be elements of the spirit of the fantasy you could fulfill that do work for you, or that you’re at least neutral about.

15. First off…the rule is no one has to do anything they don’t want to do. With that being said, in long term established relationships, isn’t it nice though when a partner is at least willing to try what you want to do in bed or meet you partially there? Because we love our partners and want to please them?

    Your viewpoint on toys is wild to me. There are so many toys that are fun. Sure some take set up, but so do other sexual positions or acts so if the time to set up is your issue, you’ve just eliminated a bunch of things to try sexually and that’s wild to me…but hey…to each his own.(fyi if you put the dildo in the strap on beforehand all you need to do is slide it on when you’re ready for that…also fyi…a finger is not the same as a dildo to hit his p-spot)

    Your man has a feel good center down there that can give guys amazing orgasms. If you aren’t willing to try wearing it maybe a compromise is to just hold the dildo in your hand while he strokes himself, or you stroke him or give him oral, or you can use a longer dildo and reach around and do him while he’s on top or if you’re on top reach down and use it on him?

    As far as declaring that you’re more submissive and the act feels more dominant…I’m just going to say that sexuality and interests and desires change and ebb and flow during your life. To think this is it …this is how the dynamic is going to be forever I think is selling yourself short to the possibility of other pleasure. I would at least try it before you’ve decided this isn’t for you and you don’t get any pleasure from it.

    Lastly, as someone who pegs on the occasion…I’m not typically dominant…but the moans of pleasure I get from my man? Ooh boy…when I’m done with him I’m usually dripping wet ready for him to do me with one of our other dildos.

    To answer your question..if you don’t want to do it…just say hey babe, I don’t think I’m comfortable pegging you.

16. As a woman with a little experience, I really enjoy these activities. But everyone has to be on board for it to be a good time. Be upfront about how you feel and see if you can find a middle ground so everyone is comfortable and can have a good time.

17. It took a lot of courage to share this with you. He knew beforehand that it could possibly cause an issue in your relationship. ( as it has ) It’s not easy for a man to share that kind of thing with his partner. Meeting him halfway, a compromise on your part instead of a hard NO would mean a great deal to him I know. Imagine if it were you asking him for something so personal and you might in the future. You never know, giving your lover the most erotic experience of his life may just turn you on and give you equal pleasure. If not, you can say you tried and you don’t want to do it again. Good luck

18. Telling him is simple
    “I appreciate you being comfortable enough to share that with me but I am uncomfortable doing it”

    There’s really only those 2 choices
    Either you try it with him or you don’t. Your reasons are your own. You mentioned that your sex life is fine and even great already so it’s just one of those things he goes without. I’m sure there have been kinks/general things you’ve wanted to try that he’s enforced boundaries against because he wasn’t comfortable with doing them. Same deal.

    Also I know the spirit behind it but you shouldn’t say “I’m so glad that he felt he can trust me, but I kind of wish he hadn’t”. You should always want your partner to be able to trust you, especially with intimate things they want to express. Yeah it sucks he may have to go the rest of his life without it when he was excited sharing it but your feelings on it are your own. It’s a good thing to be able to communicate them even if it’s to share what is and isn’t comfortable. Maybe you change your mind down the line and maybe you don’t, but either way it’s something he’d have to accept anyway.

    There’s no way to avoid disappointing him when you tell him, there just isn’t. But it’s not the end of the world, you both can move past this. (I would encourage you tell him your feelings honestly and non-judgmentally now though, avoiding the subject when said subject is something he was hesitant to share but trusted you enough to share may send the message that your opinion of him as a man has changed or you don’t care)

19. I’ve pegged a bf before….it doesn’t turn me on either, but I did it for his pleasure not mine. I don’t have to get something out of it to be willing to do it. I thought it was kind of fun honestly. You can tell him that you don’t feel very comfortable with the idea of pegging him at the moment and he should accept that. But since it is something he wants to try give it some time to think it over. He made himself very vulnerable to you to tell you his desire, don’t shut home down right away.

20. If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. I personally would reccomend trying it. I know you said before you were submissive and that might be contributing to the problem. I am submissive too, but I do find pleasure in how much he enjoys it. You might as well. As for sex toys, it’s not as much as you think. My favorite dildo was like $20. Maybe you could try just using a dildo without the strap on. Not much bigger than your fingers so you don’t have to worry about the prep (you said that takes you out of the mood). Based on how you feel, I would reccomend one of these responses.

    I’m sorry, I’m not really into it, but I am so glad you shared.

    I don’t feel comfortable doing it right now, but maybe in the future we could revisit trying it.

    I’m not really into it, but I am willing to try.

    If you’re not into it, maybe encourage him to use a dildo on his own during his solo time. You could even go help him pick it out to show support.

21. My husband recently said the same thing and I was taken aback but not overly opposed to ‘trying it’ one day.

    If it helps, Kate Marley on here has some really sweet, affectionate and loving pegging videos / clips. That may help? Or maybe you’re just a hard no still and that’s fine. Just thought I’d put it out there.

22. I’ve been that man, tell him very directly. It will be the end of your relationship but it needs to happen. I’ve been with women who say it doesn’t interest them but they want to make me happy. It never happens and it just makes you bitter and resentful as time goes on. Not everyone is compatible, you will both find a partner who is for you hopefully

23. Please don’t feel obligated just because you were the first he trusted to confide in. You can say no without judgement or kink shaming. But you have to say no. Just say “I have been thinking about it and it’s not something I’m interested in trying. Thank you for sharing your fantasy with me, I am really honoured, but it’s not something I want to try”.

    His kink is not your kink and that’s ok. My husband and I have lots of things we enjoy together, but also things that we don’t and that’s ok.

24. I am keen on pegging but my girlfriend is not interested in it either. I respect that and instead concentrate on the sex acts we both like or both want to try.

25. “***I’m the only person he’s ever trusted enough to even tell***”

    That’s a win for you.

    “***I tried watching porn videos of people doing it to see if I might be interested***”

    Porn isn’t real so what you’re seeing isn’t a true representation of it. Added to this porn doesn’t relay the emotions involved in the act like the role reversal where you’re in the drivers seat, the effect his moans will have on you.

    “***I find the faffing about and preparations a real mood killer for me***”

    Actually the visuals of you getting strapped up and lubricated may well get your bf very excited. It doesn’t have to be a chore get him involved in it or simply make a show of the process.

    “***I know this is something he really wants to try and he trusted me with this.***”

    Again this is a win for you.

    “***I also worry he will feel unfulfilled sexually, which is silly I know***”

    So if you know it’s silly why are you worried about it?

    “***insecure part of me worries he might be less interested in me for not even trying.***”

    Given his connection and trust he’s shown in you in this seems highly unlikely.

    “***But sex toys arnt cheep, I don’t want us spending $100 or so to find out I’m not interested in a sex act I already don’t like the idea of.***”

    Start of with something less confronting like fingering him as you’re going down on him. If it shows promise then review things together.

    “***I don’t want to disappoint him but I don’t want to do it either.***”

    You always have the right to say no and have it respected. It’s good to have boundaries. We have a hard boundary that it is just us as well as some softer ones that we often push up against and often find they move.

    “***I might just avoid the subject and only say something if he mentions it again?***”

    NO!. Don’t let this sort of thing fester. He’s expecting a response one way or the other. If you read what you’ve written hear you’re concerned about what he might be thinking or what he might do. I can assure you he’s thinking the same sorts of things. Leaving these things unanswered can be very destructive. It’s way better to discuss these things early and get all the cards on the table.

    With all that said we’ve been doing this for years, not as some form of dominance but for the enjoyment of it all. My wife enjoys it on levels both physical and psychological, the sort of stuff you just don’t get from porn. There’s a lot more to it that you’ll ever see on pornhub.

26. My wife and I went through the same thing, though I think I eased her in to the situation over the course of several years. She’s very vanilla, and I’m a sex dungeon/ gangbang/ orgy kind of guy.

    Don’t knock the idea immediately, think on it. It might be something you really enjoy and could improve your sex together.

    Would you be willing to meet him halfway? Find a reasonably priced toy he’s interested in, split the cost together, and then use it on him? I’m sure he would settle for anything you’re willing to offer. If cost is (one of) the problem(s) then I’m sure he will front the bill.

27. Fingers are free. Try that first

28. Dude…. I had the same situation happen in the past with my ex. Except, I was the one who had asked him if he was curious at all to explore finding the male g spot… He complied as he was pretty open minded and we had been together for 6+ years…. Long story short, he ended up loving it (which like… why wouldn’t he, if it feels good it feels good… male… g…. Spot… ) which I was happy about because it was awesome Perseuing (ikno I spelled that word wrong) exploration intimately and him having positive feels …. But…. I haaaaaaaaaated it. I never told him either because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But a pinkie turned into a finger, which turned into three fingers, which turned into a sex toy… Idk man. Alcohol helped which is very alcoholicy of me to say but…. I felt so fkn off penetrating and like… being inside his butthole. Don’t get me wrong man a pinkie was fine, kinda hot, but he wanted me to bend him over with a wig and panties on and fuck him while I drank a Bush light and spilled it on my wifebeater. Kidding … kinda. Maybe I would’ve warmed up to it more eventually. Maybe it was just so new I felt awky.
    If you feel super repelled by this, or maybe even just unsure, say no for now and feel the empowerment of saying no and respecting listening to your body and your heart. Wait until you feel more frisky or something ya know? Imagine it like, if you were asking him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with, would you want him to feel pressured ? Pressure and anxiety is unsexy. Consent and respect is hot ✊🏼

29. My husband asked me the same thing about 4 months ago. Until then it never crossed my mind. Never could imagine myself actually doing it. I decided to try it because, I will try just about anything twice (no body waste), he trusted me enough to tell me he was curious about it and enough to want to try it with me, I love to make him feel amazing, with the understanding that I may not want to do it again. Turns out he loved it and so did I! In no way am I saying to do something that you don’t want to do, I am one to push myself out of my comfort zone a little bit though. Also, you can leave the prep work up to him, and don’t start off with a full blown strap on, if you do decide to go ahead with it. He can get a decent set of butt plugs for pretty cheap and he can see how he does with those for a while. Either way just be honest.