I am divorced with two kids, ages 9 and 12. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half, and they have not met him yet, as he lives out of state. I lived in his state for a year on a work assignment, that’s how we met, and while my kids were also living with me full time, I just wasn’t ready to introduce them quite yet, as they’ve never met a significant other of mine (or of their dad’s). I am now relocated back to my home state, and my boyfriend will also be moving here to my home state. It financially doesn’t work out for us to have separate homes once he moves, so I’d really ideally like for him to just live with me once he moves in the coming months. We have had many discussions about our future, we have lived together for 4 months previously (while my kids were on summer vacation with their dad/my ex), and he’s really excited to meet my kids and establish a relationship with them. My initial plan was to have him come here a few times in the coming months so he could spend time with them and get them comfortable with the notion of him moving in, but with a few circumstances and other financial things, it’s looking like it might make the most sense to have him move in sooner rather than later. My kids are still pretty young, I really don’t think they’re going to have much thoughts on the matter one way or the other. What are your thoughts on this?
TLDR; Boyfriend and I have been together almost two years, he hasn’t met my kids (ages 9 and 12) yet. He is relocating to my home state (I also just relocated back to my home state after being in his state for a year), and I’m curious what your thoughts are on etiquette/ timing on him moving in. Don’t think my kids are going to have strong opinions one way or the other on the matter, and they’ve never met a significant other of mine.
13 comments
Do your kids know that you have a boyfriend?
A relationship of a year and a half is *way* too soon to upend your kids home life like that.
They haven’t even *met* him and you’re talking about him moving in?
My dad had my siblings and me meet our now step mom once and then by the next time we visited, she was moved in to our house and her kids had our rooms. It took years to work through that resentment. I was nine and I can tell you that I had plenty of thoughts about the situation.
I would have they meet him first and see if they mesh. After some time, you could ask for their opinion about him moving in. Also set the expectations for him around them. Is he their step-dad or just moms bf?
Also prepare for the possibility that they do not like him then act accordingly.
Yeah, I think it’s too soon, personally.
While you have been dating a year and a half – and you are stable from a relationship perspective and all is good on that front – he is a stranger from their perspective. If you put yourself in their shoes, imagine going on 3 or 4 dates with someone and then they move in? But not just as a roommate – they are touching all your stuff as if it was their own? It would be jarring.
I think he should find an apartment or a room somewhere for the first 6 months. He needs to basically “date” your kids now (ie: spend time together, do fun activities together, etc) – but also be able to get away from each other, while they form a relationship.
Your relationship with him didn’t form in a few short dates, and neither will theirs (and – they won’t be in romantic love with him which comes with all the hopes and dreams and butterflies – to them he’s just a guy)
Relationships take time to develop. I think you need to give them that time to develop it before he moves in. JMO.
Do not let a stranger move in with your children. From their perspective, this man *is* a stranger.
Make sure they meet. If all goes well in the first meeting and subsequent meetings, you can probably have a fairly swift timeline of him moving in, but please make sure there is time for your kids to adjust, express any upset and anger that may come to the surface, and ask all and any questions they have.
This is a completely new situation for your children. You can’t know how they react, and they can’t know either, no matter how many conversations you have. **Don’t force them to play mature and mold their needs to yours just because it’s convenient for you, and they want their mom to be happy.**
Do you have any friends who could take on a roommate?
Maybe there is a middle ground between his own place and moving in with you immediately. If he had a space somewhere else it would allow you to introduce living together at a better pace. He can come spend time with you as a family for dinner and sleep at his own place while the kids adjust. Do that for 6 months or something.
I agree with some of the other comments. Don’t just move this man into your house without letting your kids get to know him first. That could end up being a recipe for disaster. Yeah you might’ve lived with this guy for 4 months while your kids were gone but once they come home and find a strange man living with them. That could change everything.
Yes they all know about each other but none of them actually know each other. You said you don’t THINK your kids would really care. You should at least sit down and talk with them. You might find that your 12 year old might have a little more to say on the matter.
In the end you are going to do what you feel is right.
I just felt the need to speak up since I was the kid in this senerio a long time ago.
I find it a bit odd to date someone longer than six months and not have them meet your kids (I say that as someone who has had a few step parents myself and also am a step parent so been on both sides of this). I think that’s long enough and by then you really need to see how they act around your kids to know if the relationship is worth pursuing (I know with my husband I wanted to see he was a good parent to his kids before it got very serious so I met them after six months). And then I think you shouldn’t even be considering moving in until you see how he is with your kids for about six months.
We waited a year or so for me to meet them then another year before we moved in together. That was 12 years ago!
>My kids are still pretty young, I really don’t think they’re going to have much thoughts on the matter one way or the other.
Of course they will! They’re 9 and 12, not babies. And you have no idea how your BF is around children.
He should rent a place nearby for at least a year while he gets to know your kids. Moving in together for financial reasons is a horrible reason to move in together. Remember, their well being is more important than your love life.
Never move in with an SO for financial reasons, kids or not.
I think this is dangerous, scary and stupid but you know Reddit strangers aren’t going to stop you…
You should get your kids approval before moving an SO in, especially since they’re both old enough to have an opinion. Their daily lives within their own home will be affected by the presence of this guy, who they’ve never even met. And *financially* they can’t do jack about it. I’ve seen poor step parent integration literally destroy families on multiple occasions.