My husband (30M) says that I (25F) am overreacting.

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years. Hes had a problem with controlling his emotions when something does not go according to his expectations. Example, the weather, minor inconveniences at the grocery store, tools not working, etcetc.

This makes him uncomfortable to be around. As he is visibly angry and takes his frustration out on inanimate objects. I think the worst was him punching the wall or pulls on his hair like he wants to rip it out. But most of the time he will act forcibly upon the object to “try and get it to act right”.

I’m patient. He has said that it would get better. (there were some life events going on that were stressful, i’ll give him that.) But after 5 years I’ve just had enough of it I think. Apart from this one issue, I have not been allowed to go places on my own. Even going to the mailbox would be too much.

I have an amazing job where money is not an issue. He has decided recently to quit his job. I had a small problem with it, but we do have a large house that needs lots of upkeep. I figured since I work and pay all the bills, he can handle all the house chores. It’s just us and our pets.

Honestly, I just kind of woke up one morning and felt different. Almost like, why am I putting up with this? I started spending more time away from my husband playing video games with my cousin and online friends and he began to notice the difference.

So we talked about it. I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling that my emotional needs are being met. Nothing romantic is ever done for me. I work, I pay everything, I buy you things, I am there for you when you’re sick, etc.

He apologized and we talked a little bit more and I brought up that I felt trapped. I couldn’t go anywhere. He said it was due to his fears of something happening to me, but said he would let me out on my own from now on.

He then asked me if I thought he was abusive. (It was a weird question to ask, I didn’t want to bring it up at that point because he was already visible overwhelmed.) My answer was “Well, I’m not sure. But I am prepared.” This led me into talking about him controlling where I am. Tracking me on life360. And his anger issues when something does not go as expected as in his mind.

I told him that I feel like he acts this way to inanimate objects is because they’ve lost your control and you’re forcing the object to be back under your control. I think its a matter of time before I’m next.

I’ve been in multiple unsafe relationships before. This is honestly a red flag to me.

But after I said that he began to say i’m “overreacting”, I’m “categorizing him and shaming him for something he hasnt done yet”, and that “I’ve hurt him very deeply”

Another funny thing about his responses were that he has always told me how “stoic” and level headed I am. I rarely have such strong emotions. After all, i’ve been slapped around a couple of times. It is what it is. This has been the one and only time that I have brought up that his actions are causing me worry in such a way that I am concerned for my safety.

It didn’t seem like he was taking into consideration my emotions and was stuck on the fact that I am still holding onto them after so many years together.

I told him we can continue this discussion after I go to therapy. I didn’t think that I needed it, but I needed a way out of the conversation.

But honestly, when he said that I was overreacting, it flipped a switch in me. I lost my love. He didn’t look like my husband to me anymore. It hurt me so much it was like he was replaced by someone.

Was he trying to downplay how severe his actions are? I dont know.

I did ask him if he thought this behavior was normal. And he said yes that everyone but me acts this way. Well anyways, I did ask for some space until I could talk to a therapist.

Over the next few days he began pressuring me into talking with him. ‘Threatening’ me by saying things like “He wouldn’t be here if it wasnt for me”, “He’s going manic and letting out random sounds, pacing the floor while I’m in my office”, “That he doesnt know if he should prove it that he can be abusive”, “He’s bought me food, a trashcan for my office, what more can he do to show me that he loves me?” , and “If i leave him that he knows his family would automatically take my side and not believe him”.

It also doesnt help that the last time he tried to pressure me into talking to him before my therapy appointment he asked me about sex.

Anyways Im looking for advice. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? What would you do? What advice does Reddit have for me? What advice would you give a loved one in a similar situation?

Am i overreacting?

TLDR – Husband says i’m overreacting because when he is frustrated and shows anger it scares me. Tried to talk to him about my worries about another abusive relationship and it gets downplayed, and flips the script on me.