Alright this girl i’m talking to, told me about how family problems (via text/voice messages) do i just say “i’m sorry” which is probably the right thing to say and stfu but at the same time i feel like i can maybe say more since she took her time telling me all these problems. what do you usually say to a friend venting to you?
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give a quick solid advice how to solve the problem, then next theme, never listen to that shit more than 5minutes if you gain nothing from that convo.
A other thing is when she tells you about her boyfriend being that and that, use the topic for you asking question who really interessts you, like why are woman like this in that situation.
I don’t. I listen intently.
It can be helpful to convey essentially stuff in the vicinity “I’m sorry” but in a more detailed and specific way, e.g. “Oof, that sounds rough, yeah, family problems can be really stressful and complicated to deal with.” Maybe with something like a “You coping, though?” at the end
Yes just listen and say you’re sorry and that’s awful, they don’t deserve that, etc.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you”
“That’s terrible – you didn’t deserve that”
“Ouch!”
“My heart goes out you”
“How are you doing now?” (If describing something in the past l
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m glad you told me – holding it in isn’t good”
” Is there anything you can do now for a little self-care?”
If something sounds serious/abusive/prolonged/makes you worried:
” I’m glad you told me. But I should tell you: I am becoming concerned for your safety/health/mental health. If things get worse, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. ”
And, depending on their situation, maybe keep a list of resources handy should things, in fact, get worse, rather than having to hunt for a hotline while you’re in the middle of a crisis.
– You can show you’ve been listening by repeating what she’s saying in your own words. If she’s been talking about how, for example, living with her sister had made their relationship more tense, you could say something like “wow yeah I bet having to share space like that can be hard”.
– you can ask her more about something she mentioned “when did you and your sister start arguing about XYZ?”
– you can tell her you wish things were better for her / that she didn’t have to deal with the issues she’s talking about
– be careful not to overuse this one, but you can also offer a similar story you experienced. Like, “yeah I totally get it living with my brother was rough too, we fought a lot about XYZ”
Watch the Brene Brown cartoon on youtube – on the dufference between sympathy and empathy, it will give you good ideas on what to say and what not to say
With the loss of a loved one, I always say “I know it’s not much, and my words can’t truly help, but if you need anything, let me know, and I’ll do my best to help.”
Generally that makes people feel better as it’s better than the standard “sorry for your loss”
If it was a wall of text/voice memos you revived you could say the standard “I’m so sorry to hear that. That sounds like it’s very difficult/disheartening/frustrating/stressful/overwhelming. Are you doing okay with all this?” That is more than likely going to be plenty enough. You can also ask questions to get her to elaborate or clarify things like “had you noticed these problems going on for a while? Was it always like this?” Or “wait, your sister actually SAID that??”
I also think it’s important to ask what she’s looking for from you by venting. Is she just looking for someone to listen, or does she want advice? So I might ask “by the way, is having me just listen enough here? Or were you looking for something more like my advice? I’m not sure if I have much to say that can be helpful, but I want to support you however I can”
“that sounds really hard, I’m sorry your going through that”
I heard something once that said if you listen enough, really listen. People will give you the problem, the solution and the action all in one. You just have to let them talk it out.
And how are you holding up with the (drama, issues, whatever)? ….. Well that’s good you’ve got (something they’ve said to make it personal)
If someone was telling me about their family issues I would advise them to tell someone who could help them. If it was abuse or something I would totally advise them to tell authorities! But if its just a argument then just sit there and listen, agree to what they say until they calm down. If there’s anything you didn’t agree with you need to tell them that when they have calmed down otherwise they might go to their emotions. It’s difficult to think rationally when you’re upset and that could also change the way they see the situation, I would know because sometimes if I was upset my mind would start bringing up old emotions from traumatic things that happened before. That being said take what they say with a grain of salt, if they only talk about certain things when they are upset but when they’re fine they’re fine then it could be that they’re still recovering from something else.
I had a AWFUL boss once. Really, the boss from hell.
I used to come home at night like a steam engine fit to blow. I was FULL of pent up pressure. One of my housemates (a WONDERFUL guy called Keith) would usually be in the house when I got home. I would thunder up to him and start venting every day.
“F**k me, Keith! You’ll NEVER guess what she did today!” I’d begin almost every time.
“What?” He would say, for all the world as if he was really interested. Then it would all just spurt out. The anger, the frustration, the sense of injustice, the annoyance, humiliation…..it would just all come out.
All the while, Keith would be sitting there saying “terrible! Oh, awful! Oh no she didn’t! Oh, f**k, that must have driven you mad!”
At the end of the vent, I felt SO much better. I believe my blood pressure returned to normal, I was able to enjoy my evening meal and sleep a good night’s sleep. All due to getting it off my chest.
I don’t know what happened to that manager. I hope there was some kind of industrial accident involving a threshing machine (unlikely, because we were in retail, but “hope springs eternal”).
But I do know that Keith is still a dear friend of mine, over thirty years later.
– don’t offer advice till youre asked for it.
– hmm i get that
– that sounds rough, dude/name/endearing name
– turn active to passive
“It was horrible, a dog chased after me and i slipped in dog poop and then the dog bit me”
“So not only did you slip in dog shit, you also got bit? Oh dear. You’re having quite the day.
– and my favourite when someone is VENTING.
“That sucks”
7/10 times people don’t want you to say anything, just be an active listening sounding board.
Be supportive, tell her its all right, try to give advice!
Agree with them and eventually they’ll run out of things to say pretty quickly, be empathic.
Do not offer solutions unless you’re 100% it’s something they want to listen. That’s not what they’re asking for.
“How can I support you right now? What do you need!”
What I tried do to is just validate them, like
If they seem upset with someone’s behavior, and you agreed that the person‘s behavior was not very nice, just straight up saying things like how their behavior was not very fair, or how the person who is venting deserves to be heard out / not treated like that, etc,
Sometimes if they seem like they’d want some external help I’ll ask if / how I can help
Also, sometimes, the forehand, I just a straight up ask if they are looking for advice, or just someone to listen
I always ask first if they want me to listen or give advice. Sometimes they want the help, other times they just want company. But “oof”usually ends the convo so