My friend (36m) lets call him Bill, has been with his wife/married for 8-10 years. I found out recently Bills been having an on/off affair with my other friend (33f) lets call her Joan.
I believe Joan was in a really bad place mentally when it started out, I cant speak for how he was mentally. He’s plainly lied a lot to his wife, and he’s also lied a lot to Joan about the status of his marriage & led her on a fair bit with promises and whatnot. I feel his wife should know what’s been hapening because it’s so unfair on her, and i even think there could be other women due to all the lies hes told.
The issue for me is that he is quite influencial, has money and status and all that, which makes me feel intimidated to bring it up to anyone. It would also cause a huge rift in our social lives as everyone is kinda connected in some type of way. I don’t know if Im strong enough to deal with the fallout right now. But I just keep thinking of the poor wife.
Is there a way I tell the wife without getting dragged in to the whole drama of it? I also don’t really want Joan to be dragged for it either, as Im not sure really it was her fault, although course she has played a part in it.
Should I just not get involved and hope that he gets found out some other way?
TL;DR my friends were/are having an affair & I don’t know how or if to tell his wife.
14 comments
Make an anonymous account and send her everything you can with out naming yourself.
Ick, obviously everyone’s situation is different and if cutting Joan out means loosing your whole friend group I can understand why you wouldn’t want to do that. But I would honeslty try to distance myself from everyone involved here. If you don’t want to get dragged into it, either send something anonymously or don’t say anything.
Best thing is to send an anonymous email/text to his wife, preferably with some proof of the affair, so he can’t lie his way out of it.
You just want to make sure not to give any identifying info that could him to figure out it was you who told her.
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ive been in a similar situation but with lower stakes (no marriages involved), and i made the decision to tell the person being cheated on via anonymous account. it kept my name out of it and just gave the person the information to make their own decision.
i say whether you do it anonymously or face to face – it would be the right thing to tell her
Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but you still need to do it. Tell the truth.
Get the proof and mail them to her anonymously or get a burner phone and do all that way. NEVER tell anyone, ANYONE anything, just keep it all to yourself and play dumb when the crap hits the fan! Your friend really doesn’t deserve anything from you, SHE KNEW he was married regardless of his lies! He and your friend are disgusting and pathetic people who are going to ruin his wife and their marriage!!! Get your proof and out them all and do it anonymously! Don’t sit on this and please do the right thing!!!
I agree with the anonymous thing.
It’s the only route if you don’t want any part of the drama or to be blamed for anything.
This is something that my mom used to drill in my head. Always think twice before sharing life shattering news that doesn’t involve you.
A lot of the time, you will be used as the escape goat for both parties.
Some are in denial and want to believe you’re jealous. Some are embarrassed, so they do whatever it takes not to have to face you. Others just don’t know what to do but their angry.
There are grateful ones, but it’s a risk.
Something like this needs to only be done anonymously.
This is going to have some huge ripple effects.
Just make a burner email and send all the info and any proof you might have through that.
If you have texts from said person admitting it, screen shot, upload it to your computer, and do all editing there.
You might want to just buy a somewhat cheap burner phone and do all of it on there. That way, there is nothing linking you. Not your phone or computer.
She does deserve to know.
Just be careful.
Good luck.
Please tell her. She deserves to know. Even if you don’t do it anonymously, if you lose friends, they’re not real friends.
Any decent person would let the poof wife know.
As for Joan, who cares what her mental state was. She’s nothing but a wh0re at this point.
Completely agree with anonymously telling her. Do it. She needs to know. STDs and secret families could end up involved.
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Talk to the guy get his side of the story and tell him that it’s not ok, maybe the wife already know. You’re female friend did have an affair with him too, she’s responsible even though he told her some lies.
Post it on Facebook that your so happy your two friends are together in a new ploy life and make sure tag the wife in it.
But you should tell the wife she has the right to k ow and make her own decision on the matter.
I’d imagine the anonymous route is the safest way to go. I’ve been in your shoes so many times by having the burden of knowledge, and never matters who I told, if I piped up I lost every time.