i guess this is more of a vent post than an advice post, but i do want to know how to deal with my situation 🙁 (you’re allowed to give advice though heh) but last night my parents bought me and my brother (m15) into the living room to announce they’ve split up. i was in shock more than anything. everyone cried except for me. i didnt want to cry because i wanted to be there for my brother and i hate my parents seeing me cry. i calmly announced that i don’t mind and that whatever happens, happens. i want my parents to be happy and if that means they aren’t together, then that’s okay, and i told them this. they are grateful that i was so understanding, but in reality, i’m not at all.
me, my brother, and my mum are moving into my deceased grandmother’s old home (she passed in may 2022, so only a few months ago) and i couldn’t be more upset. i love my current home and i love my parents. my dad is moving somewhere else in my town and i don’t know when i’m going to see him. it wasn’t a messy break up (they were never married but it’s been twenty years since they got engaged) which i’m happy about, and they’re still friends, but i’m just so distraught about it all and i cried so much last night. it’s so selfish of me but part of me wishes they could just stay together. i know that’s impossible and would be worse in the long run but i just wish this had never happened. i’m so upset and i don’t know what to do. i want to look after my brother like i’m supposed to but i’m basically spending most of my time out the house right now. i don’t want to go home. i want to disappear for a while and come back and pray everything is back to what it was. i’m just…. devastated i guess.
how long will i feel like this? any tips for how to get through it all, or am i stuck?
TL;DR my parents just broke up and i don’t know how to handle it
15 comments
Hugs to you. This is all so new and sounds unexpected so give yourself a chance to go through all the emotions. Change is hard, it takes time to adapt. Try not to run away from and deny what you’re feelings, you have to work through these emotions.
Hang in there!
You have every right to be upset. The adults, who were supposed to the stable anchor in your life, just flipped everything on its ear and then tossed it out the window. Grieving for your situation and the split in your family is completely normal. If you feel like you’re getting stuck in your grief, I hope you feel confident enough to tell your primary carer parent that you need help. They owe it to you. It might also be helpful to talk to your parents individually to be honest with them. Some catharsis might do you good – identify what hurts and why it hurts.
I’m so sorry this happened to your family. I hope you can continue seeing your dad on a regular basis. If it makes you feel better, I have several friends whose parents had amicable split and became dedicated co-parents to keep some home stability. It will be different and will take a lot of adjustment, but it’s possible.
A good friend told me once, when i was in the throes of grief “This is the worst it will ever feel. It’s going to keep hurting for a while, but this is as bad as it is going to be and you are still here”.
You are not ok now, and that’s fine.
Take all the time you need to process all the feelings. Allow yourself to feel it all – it’s okay. You know ultimately it’s for the best that your parents split and be happy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard on you, and for the both of them too. It will take a bit of time but trust me you will adjust to the new situation. You still have them both in your life and they still love you just the same, you will learn how to navigate it all together.
Im sorry this happened to you. I went through divorce as a child (many years ago) and know how devastating this can be for everyone involved.
I know you want to be brave, strong and understanding, but let yourself process the loss and feel grief. Dont bottle it up, you are a human being with feelings and it is 100% normal for you to go through a grieving process.
You should be proud of yourself for how you handled this situation and how much love you show for your brother. (also remember it’s ok to cry)
At this point you can’t do anything to change the situation so just try to get use to it and be grateful that it wasn’t a messy split. It will take some time, but you will feel better after awhile.
I’m also a person whose parents divorced. I was a young kid at the time so it hit me in ways that affect me to this day. First and foremost, it’s not about you. You take no blame in this at all. It’s between your parents and their relationship.
Second, it’s ok to be sad and upset. It’s normal to mourn the loss of the family structure you knew and grew up with. It’s ok. It’s normal. It’s a major change that you had no input into but it dramatically impacts your life. What you are feeling is normal and it’s ok to feel that way.
Last, your parents still love you. That isn’t going to change. The important part of all this is to know they still love you.
If you need counseling or need to talk to someone so you have a positive outlet for your feelings, please ask your parents if you can see a counselor/mental health professional. That’s a lot better route than acting out or releasing your feelings in a negative way. Your parents understand this is a big change for you and they will want the best for you while doing what is best for them. So don’t be afraid to talk to them or ask for help.
My parents divorced when I was 11. I was upset, but didn’t really understand what that meant at the time. My Dad stayed local and I still saw him regularly despite living with my Mom. There weren’t messy custody hearings or anything like that.
I say all of that to set the stage.
Your parents are people, just like everyone else. This decision is probably better for them in the long run than staying together and forcing a toxic, tense, feeling in the house until you and your brother move out anyway for college or whatever else.
This isn’t about you or your brother, it’s about their relationship. It doesn’t mean you’ll follow in their footsteps, and as long as they’re treating each other with respect during this process, it’s a good lesson for you and your brother to see regarding how relationships sometimes don’t work out.
It doesn’t mean they don’t love both you and your brother, either.
This is a large change in your lives, but it doesn’t have to be a fully negative one. It’s absolutely normal to grieve the end of their marriage, but it sounds like you will have a situation like I did. Your Dad is staying local. As long as your parents are being respectful, it’s entirely likely you see him frequently and stay with him frequently.
Everything will be alright.
I’m so sorry ❤️ this is a tough situation. The pain will lessen with time. You’ve got good advice here but I wanted to add something else. From some of what you said in your post, it sounds like you are often in a position of pushing aside your own feelings and emotional needs for your family’s benefit?
You mentioned not liking your parents seeing you cry (have they ever shamed you or made you feel badly about crying?) and needing to support your brother “like you’re supposed to” (he’s only 2 years younger than you, hardly a small child. Why are you expected to take on a parenting role for him?). You’re their child. You’re not the adult in this situation. And that you couldn’t verbally acknowledge your sadness to your parents, and immediately went to reassuring them that their decision is totally okay with you? Ouch. Trust me, I’ve done similarly when my own parents announced their separation. But it doesn’t come from a 100% healthy place inside us.
I want to encourage you to stop burying your own feelings and needs so much. Don’t shrink yourself for others. It’s good to support your family, but not so much that you neglect yourself. That will set you up for a lifetime of pain in your family and romantic relationships.
I understand it might be difficult to do this while you’re still living with your family, but start thinking more critically about the expectations that you’ve placed on yourself or others have placed on you, and whether they’re actually healthy.
A couple books you might want to check out, just to see if any of it applies to you (and if they don’t, you’ll still learn a lot of helpful life information) – “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson, and “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Wishing you luck and hoping things get better ❤️
Just want to touch on one point…my older sister and I were 16 and 17 when my parents split up (very different circumstances than your parents’ breakup), and my sister did the “always out of the house” thing too to avoid dealing with it. It really sucked for me. I didn’t have my drivers’ license yet, and we lived in a semi-rural area without walkable roads. I was stuck at home, dealing with it all alone. Take your brother out with you sometimes. Go for dinner and movie or something. Your relationship with your parents will change after this (not necessarily bad, but it will be different), but your relationship with your brother doesn’t have to change too.
My parents split after 40 years when I was 24. Didn’t matter that I was an adult, it still hurt very badly. Time will lessen it. Hang in there.
Op, if it is possible, could you talk to your counselor or therapist? Op, I promise you that you are going to feel bad but it will pass. Many people are in the same boat and many of them are okay. You probably knew some friends who were in the same boat. Yeah, it sucks but it will pass.
I am so sorry. Hugs from this internet stranger
I would tell your parents how you feel. Nothing you e said here indicates that would be a problem for anyone.
When my parents were going through divorce, someone told my mum “everything will work out because it has to” and it stuck with her. It might not be where you planned or where you expect but you will reach a new normal and you’ll be glad for it.
As a kid of divorce, my parents are so much happier apart and I enjoy spending time with them much more. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Not being married doesn’t mean no responsibility from their part… Whoever decided to end this family could at least wait until your brother was 18… I would lie telling that you will be completely fine without both of your parents and while you are sort of grown up, your brother is more exposed… My mom never remaried nor had any relations with anyone while I was a kid, so yes, for a boy the lack of a male model sucks. Not that I wanted to have another male in my life, either…
It sucks and you have to learn to live with it, maybe later on, get your bf to interact with your brother and steer him away from troubles and temptations…!
I know, more on your plate, but it you care about your brother, you must get involved, your mom, alone, may not be successful…!