I (33F) “forgave” my husband (38M) for messaging women but now I feel nothing towards him.

34 comments

1. You don’t have to stay with him.

2. After 5 years you are now getting his best him. Great. Why didn’t he give you that before? Now it’s, she’s really pissed at me this time so I’d better shape up. I really hate reading these. Now you’re stuck with 2 bad choices: stay because he’s better or leave because he could have always been better but chose not to. Pick your poison. Good luck and sorry you have to go thru this.

3. If you stay because of the child you will be teaching the child that’s it’s ok to have a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife who cheats on him or her.

4. >I feel NOTHING towards him now.

   You didn’t forgive him because you couldn’t (and deep down you demand you shouldn’t), you just lied to yourself that you could

   Same happened to me and i wish my kids grew up with a happy divorced dad instead of the one that stayed for them

5. That’s why you don’t forgive a cheater

6. I had an almost identical situation, we weren’t married but living together. He was so shady and always messaging nudes to women on snapchat, getting nudes back, contacting his ex, saved videos of his ex and him, the list goes on and on. He was a super controlling, manipulative person so was really good at gaslighting me. I stayed with him longer than I should even though I also felt nothing for him and just didn’t trust him at all. He would look me in the eye and promise he wasn’t doing anything like that anymore and would never cheat, blah blah. I had a bad gut feeling one day and looked through his phone, and sure enough I saw messages he had with prostitutes, and he had been meeting up and having sex with them. Finally that gave me enough strength to kick him out and I have never been happier. Now, we never had a kid so it was easy to cut ties, but it doesn’t sound like something you are able to get past, understandably. If you have gotten to a point where you don’t trust him anymore, and have thoughts of “maybe he has a burner phone”, that is no good for a relationship and will just cause unnecessary tension and stress.

7. I think you have got to give it time, presuming this is fairly recent. See how you feel in a month.

8. I went through this with my ex a few times, eventually he just cheated on me. He told me the day my mother died, the worst pain imaginable, but I remember feeling numb towards him for a long time and eventually and unfortunately the feelings for him came back.

   I felt like I couldn’t trust him and really worked on trusting him again, but I should have just trusted myself and dumped him years ago.

9. It’s just your self worth at work, OP. There’s really no coming back from this. It’s a betrayal and a really weak and passive way for him to ask for a divorce without asking for it.

   I wish you luck and send compassion no matter what you decide.

10. Emotional Affairs/Cheating (which is what happened) can do the same amount of emotional damage as the physical variety.

    There are some good sources for dealing with this:
    r/survivinginfidelity for support and r/asoneafterinfidelity if you want to reconcile.

11. You can tell him that your feelings are gone and that you can go to marriage therapy to put the marriage “back together” if possible. I’d give that as an option.

    He should also go to individual therapy to figure out why he cheated.

    FYI He cheated. I think that you thought that ignoring the problem and saying you’d forgiven him would make it go away. It won’t. But also, he is not having any consequences for his behavior so if you leave it like this, he is going to do it again. It’s only been two months. So he has to see consequences, starting by you telling him the truth and going to therapy.

    I didn’t give you the divorce advice because you don’t want that. But he needs consequences and he needs to face what he did and how much he hurt you. Otherwise, he’ll do it again. Even with consequences he might do it again, but he needs the consequences and at least you’ll feel like you gave him a real chance. If you still don’t have feelings or it turns out he doesn’t care, then you can divorce and feel better about your decision.

12. If you’re unsure of whether you want to stay, couples (and individual) counseling could help you sort your feelings on everything. If you stay, it could take years for you to be able to trust enough to have feelings for him again—and even that’s not guaranteed. Still, I’d probably give at least a few couples counseling sessions a shot since you aren’t dead set on leaving and there is a child here.

13. I have a snapchat, and I’m in my 30s…I use it to send funny videos/pictures to my wife/friends. It’s literally what it’s for I thought.

14. Not being able to look at my partner after all his insanity came to life was why I left. Granted we were not married and had no kids together (I adored his children and knowing I’d never see them again was rough) so that makes it easier to say “bounce and don’t look back.” But I knew we’d never be OK and I’d never be able to look at him in the way I wanted to be able to with a partner.

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. This isn’t your fault!

15. Get Marriage counseling. You might not want to blow up your marriage if he didn’t actually cheat on you.

16. >My husband has always been one of those guys. He was the all star athlete in high school and college and loved getting his ego boosted from girls. I knew it when I got in a relationship with him but thought I could change him. Yeah, I know. Red flags galore.

    Cautionary tale as old as time. Knowingly walk into a burning building expecting not to get burned.

    >Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and stayed with their partner? Does it ever get better? Or will I always look at him in disgust?

    He won’t change and you won’t leave. The outcome of others who have been in this situation doesn’t matter as everyone’s threshold for infidelity is different. No one can possibly
    tell if you’ll always look at him with digust either. Try marriage counseling to work through these issues.

17. Just remember that right now you are modeling behavior for your daughter. What would you want for her if she was in your situation?

    You can try to play house, but she will see if there is no love there, and if you stay anyway.

18. The truth is – this is how it’s going to be for the rest of your marriage. You’ll always be in one of two places: pretending he “really meant it this time” and acting like everything is OK but having that pit in your stomach or constantly checking up on him and finding he’s a liar that will never stop. And it won’t just be chatting/messaging either. Eventually he’ll cheat physically and put your health at risk.

    Is this what you want?

19. I had a crappy cheating father. My mom left him. I grew up extremely happy and am so happy she modeled that kind of backbone for me. When I was in college I had a cheating boyfriend and, because of the great role model I had, didn’t think twice about dumping his sorry butt.

20. You can “forgive”, but there are consequences to people’s actions. I feel like I have forgiven my husband for many little things….but they have affect how I feel about him. Like how am I supposed to respect him anymore. He is the husband who has let me down, he is that man who thought that what he wanted and what he felt was more important than what I needed.

    My husband hasn’t done anything unforgivable. No one thing seems to be worth divorcing him for. My kids are mostly grown. I am insisting on this more now. Speaking up when he does something I think hurts the kids’ feelings, etc. I wish I had spoken up more in the beginning, maybe we would be in a better place now. He is still very happy with me and loves me. Just not enough to have all sorts of unmanageable adhd etc. lack of follow through, impulsiveness, frustrated/angry reactions, and a bit of sexism.

21. Forgiveness is easy to say but very hard to really mean, especially if you don’t think the other person is truly remorseful and hasn’t completely changed their actions.

    You’ve been cheated on. That’s what messaging other women is – cheating.

    You feel nothing because that’s your mind’s defence mechanism to protect you from being hurt, because you’re still living with this man.

    If the love is gone and the trust is gone, there’s no relationship left to preserve. Why are you still there?

22. If you found out everything only two months ago, then he has either gotten better at hiding or he is on his best behavior for now.

    Decide whether you can forgive him and move on or leave him. I would say leave him if he cannot keep up the good behavior for more than a year?

23. Once you are at the point of feeling nothing you should leave. I tried to stay for my child too it didn’t work out I was physically revolted by him it never went back to normal.

24. It get better if you guys both put the effort in, he cares enough about you to stop, and in some ways he cared enough about your feeling to not want to hurt them by saying he was unhappy which led him to look, love takes effort, it takes communication. If you both want to be in love with each other for your selves and your daughter then you need to be able to talk about anything and everything with out being hurt or offended or defensive, you have to strip away all the walls that are keeping you guys from know each other!! You have to be able to be totally comfortable being naked mind body and soul together, of he thinks some girl is attractive then he should be able to be comfortable talking or joking a our it with you, but you should be able to do the same!! Start looking at guys!! When you guys are in the car together MAKE HIM JEALOUS!! Look at the attractive guy jogging while hes driving and say “wow he’s got!” Act like you have some desire!! Desire Is the fuel for every healthy relationship!! And I’m sorry but a child IS NO EXCUSE FOR LACK OF DESIRE!! Me and my wife are forty with an 8nyear old non verbal autistic kid who never runs out of energy, I work 8p hours a week an my wife is disabled and stillmee have more desire for each other then we did when we were 17!! Life and relatio ships are about fun!! Men need to feel affection and wether you want to admit it or not women need desire as much as men do and when either side doesn’t have it they start looking other places for that one thing they are missing at home!! IT TAKES EFFORT!! BUT YOU BUILD MOMENTUM UNTIL THE DESIRE IS FLOWING OUT OF BOTH OF YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOUR BOTH IN LOVE AGAIN AND. NOBODY IS LOOKING AT ANYONE ELSE AGAIN!! Trust me!! Fake it until you make it, of you act like you don’t give a crap about being I love with him and your only sign of affection is getting mad when he is talking to other women THAT IS NOT LOVE THAT IS POSSESION!! And using your daughter as an excuse as to why you don’t have enough energy for giving each other attention is LAME!! Your daughter deserves to see what it’s like for her parents to be in love!! She deserves to see what a loving relationship is suppose to be so that someday she finds one her self for her kids!! You 2 are the model for her future and you both need to stop being so damn selfish and petty with each other and talk and force some desire!! Trust me desire gives you energy!! The more you have the more you want and the more you want to give!! I am more in love with my wife now that shes got some curves then when she was a tiny little fit 100lb 17 year old with big boobs. Because we worked at it and we realized that the more we had each other theore we wanted each other and we make love 6 to 7 times a week for hours every night even though we start the night off exhausted from chasing him around and he’s a certified tornado!! Stop making excuses why you should stay apart and mad at each other and grow up!! For that little girl, for your husband, and for your self!! You deserve to be in love making love constantly, if you haven’t noticed yet life goes by pretty damn fast and you guys are not getting any younger so have some damn fun!!

25. Take it from someone who’s parents “stayed together for the children” — they would prefer if you got divorced. My parents have been together 30 years and the fights just got worse, resentment grew, and now they don’t trust each other, definitely hate each other. They live in the same house and live completely separate lives. Every time I’m alone with one of them I have to endure hearing one bitch about the other. It’s annoying as hell and we’d all be better off if they just got divorced.

    Your kid is young enough that they will adapt to a new relationship with both parents. If you don’t want to be in this anymore, don’t force yourself because your kid will not prefer this.

26. It should be easier, not harder to leave because of your daughter. Do you want to set the example for her that this type of behavior from men is acceptable? Because if you stay, that is exactly what you will be doing

27. Leave him and start over with someone that respects you.

28. The opposite of love isn’t hate.

    It’s indifference.

29. Sounds to me like the marriage has died. Maybe time to talk to a divorce lawyer before the feeling of nothing becomes resentment and hate, which is way less healthy for a kid to be part of than divorced parents who can do parent

30. It’s okay to forgive him to the best of your abilities but also think about moving on and starting a life separate from him.

31. Here’s the thing: you can forgive someone and yet still not want to have them in your life anymore. We forgive for ourselves, and for you that forgiveness allowed you to emotionally move on from him entirely.

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re automatically shielded from consequences.

32. Forgiveness of someone doesn’t mean you condone their behavior. Sounds to me like you’ve forgiven him for betraying you but you’re grossed out at the idea of a romantic relationship with a proven cheater.

    Do yourself a favor and move on.

    Secondly, do some research on the actual impact of staying in an unhappy relationship for the supposed benefit of the child. It is not all it is cracked up to be. Especially with her being so young, she won’t remember anything different if you act now.

33. If he was such a stud, why does he have so much to prove to himself now?

34. Things can turn around but not if you force it. In the short term Just think of yourself as co-parents who sometimes fuck.

    imo If you are going to stay married & faithful its important to attempt to continue to meet your sexual needs within the relationship. ( in my experience, these may change and you may need to be more demanding and selfish or purely sexual/non romantic in your encounters. ie use him for your own pleasure without endearments etc) .

    Using him is better than switching off your sexuality entirely because dead bedrooms rarely ever recover. If over the next couple of years you regain some love and respect for him then great keep going, if not get your ducks in a row to leave.

    He has relegated himself to Father and fuckbuddy so make sure he does both jobs well before he gets a chance at promotion back to husband/partner. You owe him ZERO but owe it to yourself to take what you need from the relationship whilst you decide what is best for YOU!