Girlfriend and I live together, and both work from home. Our sex life is good, having sex or similar activities once or twice a week or so on average. I usually initiate it and tell her that if there are times she’s in the mood that I haven’t initiated, she is welcome to start something and I will usually be happy to go along. However, she is really bad at it, and then is upset when I “reject her.” Here are some examples:
I’m working in the office, GF comes in and says “hey is there anything you want for lunch?” And I say “idk I’ll probably make pasta or a sandwich or something”. She then looks disappointed and leaves. The rest of the day, she is pouty and sad. I ask what’s up and she says that eating lunch was supposed to be code for having sex during our lunch break.
After work, I usually do chores for a bit before we work on dinner. I was washing dishes when GF came back from the store. She says “I’m gonna go change” because she is wearing normal clothes and prefers to wear sweatpants-type stuff when lounging around the house. I say ok and she goes into the bedroom with the door closed. I do chores for like ten minutes and then she comes out of the room all annoyed, saying that she wanted me to come in while she was changing and start sexy times. How was I supposed to know that? Changing after getting home is not an abnormal thing to me.
GF goes for a bike ride and gets home all sweaty. She says she’s going to shower, I’m like ok cool. When she is done, she says that she is disappointed I didn’t come join her in the shower. This is despite our shower not being very roomy and her turning me down for shower activity together in the past, explicitly because there’s not much room for 2 people.
I have told her that she needs to be more direct if she wants to signal that she wants sex, but she is not getting better and it is quite frustrating when she starts pouting just because I don’t pick up on the signals. She has said that she wants the person that she is with to just know when she’s in the mood, but I am not a mind reader and feel like she’s saying things that people might say all the time in a normal setting. How can I improve this?
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**tl;dr**: GF is not good at telling me she wants sex, saying things like “what do you want for lunch” and thinking that’s a pickup line, then is annoyed when I am not picking up on it.
37 comments
>I am not a mind reader and feel like she’s saying things that people might say all the time in a normal setting. How can I improve this?
Easy. Respond to everything she says with ‘are you asking for sex?’
When she’s fed up with that, have another conversation about your lack of mind reading abilities, and let her know that if she wants something from you that is not what she is saying it is, she needs to stop beating around the bush and say what she really means.
Tell her what *would* work
Your girlfriend is incredibly immature. No one would mistake “is there anything you want for lunch?” as a request for sex. She needs to just ask for what she wants directly.
I had the exact same first thought as u/geekroick.
* “Have you fed the cat?” / “Are you asking if I’d like to have sex?”
* “Are you gonna wash your hands?” / Are you asking if I’d like to have sex?”
* “I’m taking out the trash, be right back!” / “Are you asking if I’d like to have sex?”
* “I’m on the phone with my mother.” / “Are you asking if I’d like to have sex?”
But seriously, don’t do that. You’ll destroy your sex life.
Instead, sit her down and start with a bit of empathy: Asking for sex is hard.
Women are usually shamed for asking what they want sexually, and TV lies to us and tells us men should just sweep us off our feet at the *slightest hint*. That is bullshit, but a common enough issue for young women. Men are generally told they *must* ask for sex if they want it (hell, sometimes even if they don’t want it!) and women are generally told they *never* can ask for it, they must “encourage” him in all sorts of ways until he intiates.
Learning to ask for what you want is scary, but if she feels she shouldn’t have to then she’s engaging in some sexist bullshit that demeans you both and is gonna stop you from having as fun of a sex life she would like to have! So she needs to adapt and drop that BS. You’re her partner and a person. You desire her, but you need basic clarity in communication from her. And you deserve it.
If she wants to come up with code words to help her get more comfortable actually suggesting sex, then use code words, but be clear: There need to be some actual words with clear meaning involved. These amazingly vague implications followed by hours of pouting is unsexy and unfair to you both.
I can understand that she feels vulnerable. If she has trouble with the words, you might want to decide together on an special phrase or distinct signal that you can’t miss. And you can also decide that, if you do miss the signal, or if you’re not in the mood, she doesn’t get to pout excessively. She can be disappointed or feel rejected, but it’s not fair to punish you.
What about a safe word, or a gesture like she touches your cheek. If you just cannot pick up on when she’s in the mood, she needs to throw you a bone and give you a hint, so you can give the bone right back.
If her “hints” are so fuckin subtle that they’re literally just regular conversation, she needs to step her game up. End of story.
What else does she expect you to do…just ask “Does that mean you wanna have sex?” every time she says something? That’s not remotely realistic.
Maybe she’s gotta have a few signals that you and her both agree on, so you both know what they mean lol.
Ok, first, just to check because of the “know when she’s in the mood” comment–are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE she wasn’t saying these things in a cheeky or flirty way at all? Like wiggling around or posing or being extra sexy when she asks if there’s anything you want for lunch or making eyes at you when she says she’s going to go change or get in the shower? This was totally normal, as if she were saying “we need to put trash bags on the grocery list” or something?
I feel like this issue is the part of a bigger picture. Do you flirt with your girlfriend? Do you check her out, thrust her when she’s doing something mundane like bending over at the cooker or something? It seems that she wants a more flirty and fun relationship, she wants you to *want* to see her naked when she’s getting changed, she wants you to mount her when she’s just doing a simple thing and looking amazing doing it.
Obviously the lunch thing would go over most folks head because that’s a bit *too* subtle, but I feel like she’s actually probably putting it on a plate in front of you and you’re clearly not seeing the flirty behaviour.
There is a lot of great advice here. You’re not being unreasonable by not picking up on her hints – they all sound really subtle. Sometimes people can be weird about asking for what they want, but it’s not your fault if it goes over your head. Have a conversation with her would be good.
And maybe there’s more to it? Like, are you very affectionate with her in general? Does she want you to be more affectionate? I just wonder if it’s all about the sex-initiation or if she’s also wanting something else. Another thing to talk about. Additionally, maybe when she walks into your office (if you’re not in the middle of something) or comes home from the store, go and give her a kiss or something.
Lmao idk how you were supposed to get she wanted to have sex from her having normal
Conversations
She doesn’t have to like get all formulaic and robotic about it but there are better ways to ask.
“Hey we should ya know eat lunch together today” “I’m gonna go change, wanna come with me?” So she doesn’t have to be like “hey let’s go fuck before dinner”.
Something I don’t see anyone mentioning here; you say you’re happy with the amount of sex you’re currently having, but if she’s having trouble signaling when she wants sex, she may also have trouble putting into words dissatisfaction with overall frequency. If she wants it three times a week and you only initiate once, she’ll be feeling rejected more often than not and may not realize exactly why.
Probably not the whole answer, but something to think about the next time you make a serious attempt to talk about your sex life.
Idk if it’s about you not picking up on her clues as much as she probably feels like you aren’t flirty with her. Like saying what do you want for lunch, saying “you”, when she mentions taking a shower, you could take the opportunity to be flirty. Is she bad at being flirty and making you feel desired as well? I’m going to guess yes. Maybe that’s something you both need to work on, getting out of mundane rut and both making the other feel desired. Idk if it’s something you can force but if yall used to be like that and aren’t anymore, talk about it.
I have trouble asking…so I got a candle that says ‘when this wick is lit, give me that dick’. You can find them on Amazon. 😶
Sounds like she’s either watching too many Rom Com’s or reading too many romance novels.
She wants more romance but she doesn’t want to have to tell you to be more romantic and wants you to magically know that it’s what she wants and start doing it yourself.
She has to communicate better but I would suggest upping the romance game and seeing how she responds. It might just do the trick.
My fiancé works from home, and when he goes on lunch break, I ask him if he wants to have sex. That, and I usually take my shirt off too or something. Usually he says yes, sometimes he says not today or not right now. That’s how easy it should be.
You just need a code word buddy.
I mean, you could go ahead and try answering everything she asks with “are you asking for sex?” But trust me, that would end up in conflict. Just talk to her, let her know that you can make sure you are more aware of situations that could lead to sex but also tell her to be a little bit more obvious about it.
For example, whenever she says she’s taking a shower and you could possibly be in the mood for sex, just ask if you could join her and see what happens. If she says she’s going to change, ask if she needs some help getting her clothes off.
As a lesbian I know that we are very complicated some times and some women have these fantasies in their heads that sex will magically happen just because they are horny. She probably doesn’t want to ask if you want to have sex because she wants a different way for things to be initiated.
Maybe just get her to text you an eggplant emoji
Job done ✔️
Are we just… not gonna talk about the fact she gets huffy when he doesn’t oblige? What if he understood the signal, but just wasn’t in the mood? And it seems like she gets pouty before she explains. That seems problematic in itself.
Looks like you two need to chat about communication.
My SO is very shy about verbally communicating wanting to have sex, so we have come up with “signals.” If she puts on certain types / items of clothing, if she hugs me a certain way, if she uses certain flirty phrases. It works for her because she can ask for sex without being super direct and it works for me because I’m in the know about her signals. Maybe y’all can try that instead?
You are getting so many mean and unhelpful responses here.
Your gf may not be great at this but if you actually like her, then I would not take any of this advice to constantly ask her ‘does that mean have sex’ etc.
Is there any chance that when she is saying these things, she is using a flirty tone of voice or trying to make flirtatious eye contact? Is there any possibility that she is sending out more clues than you’re picking up on?
It does seem like possibly she is trying to engage some pretty specific fantasy scenarios, and the only way to ensure that is what is going on will be to talk about what those fantasies are and when is a *bad* time to try them.
For example, does she have an idea about being surprised in the shower? When would she definitely NOT want that to happen?
There is also the chance that her telling you that she had wanted sex is the actual signal. Next time she tells you that, ask her if she is ready now.
She might just be shy or have been raised in a community where women’s desire is seen as shameful. She’ll get better at it.
How do YOU initiate sex?
Her lack of communication is frustrating, but maybe she wants to you be more spontaneous and make her feel desired. Sometimes it sucks to ask directly for stuff, because having someone want to want to do stuff like that is just as nice as the action.
It’s hilarious that the subtext here is that her attempts at initiating sex still involves you initiating sex.
Is it possible the request was in her tone and facial expressions, and maybe you missed it? I could see anyone saying those in a “winking” tone of voice. I’ve used it before and I’ve recieved.
Maybe you can try talking to her about ways that would feel comfortable to her but would more clearly indicate sex to you. “Hey do you want to get lunch together? I’d like to spend some time with you *wink*”. “I’m gonna go change. Want to join me? *wink*” “I’m going to shower. Wanna join? *wink*” and maybe touching you playfully when she does it up get your attention or something. You could practice some things and have her try them the next time she’s in the mood.
So we have a thing we do as two adults who sometimes want sex.
We say, hey, wanna fuck?
And that’s that. It’s either a yes or a no.
What does she say when she wants to eat lunch?
When she says one of the things, the easiest thing to do, is ask if she wants company. I’m taking a shower. Want company? I’m changing clothes? Want company? Etc. It’s simple, easy, and not prone to misinterpretation as there is no wrong answer. Though you may need to clarify that you think sexy time is imminent if she say yes.
Tell her “The indirect isn’t working.” Maybe choose a code phrase that is specific.
An ex and I dealt with a similar situation. Whenever I wanted sex, I would subtly ask via touching like rubbing shoulders, chest, etc. and my ex NEVER got the hint. And the reason I did that was not because I was shy but because directly asking for sex (as in using the word, ‘sex’ or any variation such as ‘bang’ or ‘f*ck’) would instantly turn me off.
Although, I think your gf is far more subtle than I was I still I made the same mistake by hoping my ex would just get it. So, in order to solve the issue, we just had to sit down and discuss what you should/shouldn’t do to initiate for us both (i.e. I had to tell him his method of initiating was too direct for my taste). We were able to understand the POV of each other (i.e. I was too subtle and he was too direct) and over time we came up with a few key phrases for initiating such as “want me to help you go to sleep?” Or substituting the word, “sex” with something more playful (I liked to refer to sex as “nasty time”). This is fixable, you both just need to have a very clear understanding and way of communicating.
Tell her to add “want to join me” in a sexy tone at the end as a signal
Maybe something to bring up with her, but her style of initiation… actually seems to require *you* to take the initiative. Being direct is something plenty of people struggle with (believe me I know) but it’s worth pointing out, since by trying to “initiate” sex by dropping hints, she’s still expecting you to put in the actual effort of seduction or pursuit. Unless that’s how you want the future of your sex life to work, she’s got to learn a way to voice or convey that *she* wants *you*, instead of making her horniness known and just expecting you to act on it.
I once invited a girl over for dinner at my place. I told her I didn’t expect sex and she says “I’ll bring cupcakes and if you say you want cupcakes and I ask for one too we can have sex”. She brought some cupcakes and we’re smoking weed and I get the munchies and the cupcakes look good so… me high as fuck and hungry now get up to get a cupcake and being a polite person I asked her if she wanted one. She said yes… I went to the kitchen and get the cupcakes and when I get back in the living room where she was she was completely nude…
Only problem was I only wanted cupcakes. 🙁
Tell your girlfriend rather than using abstract things that make sense to say something else.
I was in a chat group and to keep it PG we would call sex nachos. Tell your girl to ask if you want nachos or something else random.
Wow . How are you meant to know she means that ? I’m not saying this is a good idea but just to hammer home how ridiculous it is to expect you to get that she wanted sex from do you want lunch ect . This is how interactions would go with me for a week .
Hey I’m gonna watch TV for a bit , do you want me to put my dick in you ?
I’m hungry are you hungry ? Oh you want some penis ?
Have you taken the dog for a walk , * drops pants*
Im gonna go take a bath . Is that code for you want sex ?
I’m getting changed . You want to bump uglies then ?
I’m on the phone with my mum , you mean you want sex ?
Seriously though have a talk with her coz expecting you to understand that is bat shit . Maybe suggest she asks if you want some sugar or something , or have some fun with it . I like to throw my panties at my partner from across the room . He gets the message. Or just say wanna go upstairs ? You could even have like a sex song she can say any combination of mundane normal stuff she likes but this song means sex . I’m gonna go shave my legs * plays sex siren * you get it . Anything you choose to do together and how is fine it’s your sex life . But you can’t read minds she needs to get that.
Good god she sounds exhausting