Why do I want to be with someone who told me he never should have married me? That he shouldn’t have dismissed the red flags and listened? He only married me because he was raised to “do the right thing”. Why would I want to stay married to someone who told me that he “loved the idea of me”. Why am I fighting for someone who said we never should have had kids? Why am I fighting for someone who said I ruined his life? Why am I fighting so hard for someone who shows no interest in me? Why am I fighting for someone who said I robbed him of the life that he was supposed to have? Why am I fighting so hard when he said he has a spot for me at the very bottom of his soul? Why am i fighting so hard when he told me he only cares for me as the mother of his children? I am not completely blameless in any of this situation. I completely ruined us financially and wasn’t consistent and kind of shut down inside. So I get that his needs weren’t being met and how he could be unhappy, and harbor those feelings for 8 years and not let them out once? Even after asking hundreds of times “are you happy with me.” Or “do you really love me.” Or even my favorite “do you really want to be with me.” And every single time, it was “if I didn’t then I wouldn’t be here.”
7 comments
Low self esteem quite succintly.
Do you have a history of childhood trauma? https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/2019/04/25/did-childhood-ptsd-teach-you-to-fit-yourself-to-crap/
It sounds like marriage counseling would be a good next step. A good counselor would allow/help you both to share your feelings, ensure you’re both heard, and provide strategies to move forward. If he’s not asking to end the marriage, I would definitely not say that’s your next step. I personally seek counsel from God on everything. He’s the ultimate arbitrator and mediator. But, He can also use books, friends, counselors, pastors, others to provide guidance, knowledge and strategies. Marriage isn’t easy and no one is perfect. I think you both need to extend each other grace and put the pass in the rearview mirror and focus on the road ahead. Hubby and I are 31 years in and it’s been a roller coaster, but I’ve learned, grown, laughed, loved and endured with a whole lot of patience, biting my tongue, talking things through and Prayer. Praying for healing in your relationship.
You keep on saying why should you fight so hard, yet you don’t really say what exactly you’re doing to repair the relationship.
Hi there sweet mamma! My heart goes out to you!! How long have you and your husband been together? What was your relationship and communication like before you had kids? I don’t want to excuse what your husband said to you at all but maybe he is facing stress and rather than dealing with it in a constructive way, he is inconsiderate and unappreciative of you.
Have you tried telling him how his comments have hurt you? Additionally, this may sound counterintuitive but have you tried telling your husband some things that you appreciate about him? If he knows you support him, hopefully he will realize how that feels and how important it is for you to feel his support. If it is difficult to have this type of conversation, you can try writing it in a letter and sharing it with him. Have you tried going to individual or couple’s counseling? A professional may be able to help you deal with this situation as well.
In the meantime, make sure to try and take some time to take care of yourself! If you aren’t happy and healthy, it will be that much more difficult to cope with any challenges you are facing. Are there any hobbies you enjoy or local groups such as at a rec center or a church that you could go to? That may give you some time to share your feelings with others and also get the break you deserve!
I know marriage isn’t easy but as someone who has been married for almost 19 years with 3 kids, I can say if you can stick with it, the rewards are so worth it!! Feel free to message me if you would like to talk further but know that I am thinking of you and hoping things get better!
How did you completely ruin the marriage financially? Details like this matter.
Please hang in there! There is HOPE! Please remember that! The future may not look like we would have anticipated. Nonetheless, there is HOPE for a brighter future, especially when we are trying to do the right thing now and relying on GOD.
You sound like you are ownig your side and working on making yourself healthier-physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Praying for you and your marriage this morning! Taking carry of yourself may be the best thing you can do for both:)