For context, my Mum has had a very traumatic and abusive childhood which has lead to her having some serious mental health issues that were triggered about 5 years ago.
Ever since, I have really tried to be there for her, by comforting her while she cried everyday for months, spending extra time with her, listening to the traumatic details of her past and trying to protect my younger sister by hiding it from her.
During lockdown my mum’s problems got worse, she developed a drinking problem. For the next year and a half I endured constant insults, intense paranoia and had to endure her saying awful things about my own family members. Meanwhile, my younger sister refused to see her, which I find very understandable. I felt like I still needed to see her because me and my sister were all she had.
Luckily, my Mum became motivated to go to AA meetings and has now been sober for four months, I’m really proud of her.
However, I’ve completely lost respect for her.
I struggle to take her seriously and resent her for what happened, even before the problems arose she was always criticising me, calling me arrogant, snobby, patronising etc.
My sister has recently joined in, and I can’t help but feel ganged up on.
My sister is showing very clear symptoms of BPD, so whenever there is someone to impress (usually my mum) she will insult me like my Mum does.
As a result I have started to unconsciously distance myself, and now I spend more time with my friends and boyfriend who all treat me incredibly well.
But this has lead to them getting very upset with me, I never wanted to hurt their feeling but sometimes it’s suffocating.
How do I deal with this? I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but being around them makes me anxious and really miserable.
TL;DR
My mum has developed mental health problems, and has insulted me for most of my life. My sister has recently joined in, causing me to be miserable around them. I have distanced myself, but it has really upset them.
How can I try and build a healthier relationship with them, or set boundaries that they’ll actually respect?
4 comments
Time to cut them both loose. It was never your place to take care of your mother or shield your sister. You need to move on with your life and your mom and sister need to figure there chit out without mentally abusing you. Please believe me when I say you
1. You didn’t cause this.
2. You can’t cure it.
If your sister decides to quit being a jerk then think about a relationship but if she’s just going to be mean and cruel don’t subject yourself to it.
Tbh, that’s something that I can’t do, as much as they can be difficult they’re also my family. My mum is a good person at heart, she just wasn’t a good mother, and I don’t want to abandon my sister if she really has BPD.
There’s a lot here to break down so I hope I can at least help with some of it.
>Mum has had a very traumatic and abusive childhood which has lead to her having some serious mental health issues that were triggered about 5 years ago.
If this started 5 years ago, it would have made you roughly 13/14 years old when it first happened? If so, you have to bare in mind the main experience you’ve had of your mother is in this mental health crisis & later intoxicated state. If this was happening to anyone else, you’d probably think if you didn’t want to speak to your mother again, no one would blame you.
But, you won’t want to do that. Because, I think you took on a carer role for your mother. Instead of being able to focus on your school life, time with friends, hobbies, you instead had to spend your energy taking care of your mother. That shouldn’t have been your job, but as a loving daughter you did that. But, that doesn’t mean you don’t experience carer burnout & the fact she was an adult & shouldn’t have been placing her mental health issues on you.
Now I’m glad to hear your mother has started AA and this at least shows she is willing to put some work into the process of getting sober. But, other than that is she addressing what caused her MH episode to begin with? Basically is she getting therapy or something similar to help actually get to the root of what was her issue?
Also, just because she is getting sober, doesn’t mean she is a nice person. I think the problem is she doesn’t seem remorseful for her actions towards you, and instead is almost bullying you. But sadly, you’ve played the role of doing what she has needed for so many years that it’s hard for you to break out of that role.
I would suggest you seek therapy, as sadly I think this will have impacted yourself a lot & your self worth. I would enjoy your time with your friends & boyfriend, as you have already missed out & deserve to be around people who care about you.
For your sister, sadly it won’t be until she is older that she may fully realise how much you’ve been there for her. I think the insults are mainly because your mother is doing it & your sister is probably just as confused about the whole situation. Also you have to bare in mind she has dealt with your mother in this MH crisis for more of her life than you, so she will view your mother’s behaviour as being herself rather than MH.
I wish you good luck
Are they both possibly narcissists? Do they both seem to play victim alot? Maybe tell you you’re not loved, get jealous of you so push you down to the ground, insult your partner and friends?
Narcissism is developed after trauma, they know exactly what they are doing and think their above everyone.
They both sound like therapy would be a huge help for them.