[Link to previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/wvoir7/questioning_my_31f_relationship_with_my_husband/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I talked to my coworker and told him everything that was going on with me and my marriage and that I had to stop chatting and eating lunch with him. He was disappointed but said he’d respect whatever I decided. He also said that he was never intending to break up my marriage or cause me to leave my religion, that he just genuinely enjoyed talking to me and enjoyed my company. He also said if I ever needed anything, I could still come to him with no worries.
I also decided to talk to my husband. So I sat down with my husband at dinner two nights ago. We had just finished telling each other about our day. I told him that I had to tell him something he probably wasn’t going to like, but I’d appreciate if he didn’t get upset. He agreed to sit and just listen. So, I laid it all out for him, my co-worker and how I’ve bonded with him, my struggles with our faith and, then, with our marriage, my struggle to figure out who I am, everything.
To his credit he never once seemed mad at me. He almost seemed to laugh off my bringing up my coworker. He didn’t say so, but when he talked to me about it he (almost) condescendingly made it sound like a school-girl crush, and perhaps he’s right about that. He was, however, mostly concerned with my struggle with my faith. This upset him quite a bit. Not upset in anger, but upset that I might now be going to spend all of eternity in hell.
I suggested that perhaps I needed to see a therapist or that maybe we needed couples therapy. He was not receptive or amenable to either of those ideas. Again, his main concern was my soul. He suggested that we set up an emergency zoom meeting (and possibly regular meetings) with our pastor from back home. I really did not want to do that. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew I would be guilted into retracting everything I’d talked about with my husband, made to feel ashamed for having a lack of faith, and, if all else failed, potentially “requested” to quit my job and possibly even move back home. My husband was insistent that we have this conversation with our pastor. I could tell he wasn’t going to agree to anything else unless I did, so I agreed.
My husband called him and within 20 minutes we were all in a zoom meeting together. It was awkward, and it was uncomfortable for me. It went exactly how I suspected it would. Since I’d already told my husband about my doubts and my feelings, there was no lying to our pastor; no way to wiggle around what I’d already admitted. He was… not understanding.
I don’t want to get into too many of the details of what he said, but my doubts, concerns, and feelings were not treated with legitimacy and I was made to feel embarrassed and ashamed for even entertaining them. It was awful. I saw the writing on the wall, and so I didn’t push back, I relented. I gave in and prayed and asked for forgiveness and it makes me feel gross to think and talk about.
I wish I had a better update than this, I really do. I’m now not sure at all with what I want to or what I should do.
Tl;dr Talked to my coworker and husband. Coworker is sad but understands, and the talk with my husband didn’t go well.
28 comments
You need to get out of this whole situation, including your marriage.
It seems you are trapped in this marriage and that your husband will not respect you if you are not his “pious X religion wife”.
If your husband is as uncompromising as he seems, you have two options:
* Be demure and subservient and learn to ignore your own thoughts and feelings so you can accept the thoughts and feelings of your husband as the only valid ones.
* Leave the marriage and forge a path of your own.
I understand if neither option feels right.
Oh my God (lol) you should really get out of this relationship. This man clearly puts his religion above your needs and that is extremely dangerous
This is a cult. You grew up in a cult. They will never call it that because they are dependent on you in staying. They fill your head with a misplaced sense of duty to your husband, force a husband on to you earlier than you are ready, and expect you to fall in line and raise little cult members of your own.
It was possible that your husband felt the same and could have escaped with you before you asked hun, but the conversation you spoke of here makes it clear that hes much deeper in it than you are.
There is no happiness and freedom with your husband as long as he stays with the cult. Only servitude and guilt to keep you in line.
Do not try to have this conversation with him again. The next time, he may not allow you to keep looking at these sites that are deprogramming you, intionally or not. Escape now, or lose more time stuck.
I don’t know what your faith is, but see if there’s an “ex-faith” community somewhere online. (there’s a couple on Reddit).
From a human happiness perspective, you need to be able to work through your questions about your faith and religion somehow. Otherwise you’ll just be miserable. Whatever you end up deciding, you’ll at least know you did your due diligence.
It does worry me that your husband forced you to talk to the pastor, but won’t even try marriage counseling. It also worries me that they’d ask you to quit your job- that’s textbook isolation and it would make you financially dependent on your husband.
Hold on to your job, hold on to your questions, and hold on to your you.
What country do you live in? If you’re in a place where divorce is legal, pursue it.
Run. Just run.
I’m sorry but this is a cult that doesn’t respect your autonomy.
You cannot maintain your marriage whilst enjoying religious freedom/freedom to pursue your own way.
That’s it. That’s the fact you’re working with.
Knowing this, what do you choose?
It makes me very sad to have to say this, but, I think you will not be “allowed” to grow as a person if you stay in this marriage.
A good pastor listens and respects and appreciates, and tries to understand and find a point of connection that they can use to reaffirm faith.
Sounds like your pastor just bullies, guilt-trips, and cajoles to shut down thought and keep control of people.
Time to get out.
>I’m now not sure at all with what I want to or what I should do.
That’s not entirely true. You had ideas, and your husband shot all your ideas down.
>I suggested that perhaps I needed to see a therapist
This one in particular was a great idea that you had. Therapy can help you figure out all these difficult questions. It’s also a space where you can express yourself safely. You should definitely do this. If your husband won’t let you, then you need to leave him. It is better to be divorced and alone but in therapy, than to be in a marriage that prevents you from ever receiving therapy.
>potentially “requested” to quit my job and possibly even move back home.
Definitely don’t do those things. You need your job so that you can be independent, if you quit your job then you won’t have that option to be independent anymore. And don’t move, stay where your job and support system is (yes your coworker does count as a support system).
Everyone is telling you to leave your husband and I agree, but you don’t have to do that first. Go to therapy, keep your job, don’t move home. Keep making new friends at work and outside of work too, if possible. Build an even bigger support system in town, you might need them someday soon. You can even tell your work what’s happening, they might have resources to help you.
Is there any chance, even just 0.0001%, that you would be forced home against your will? Like kidnapped? If so then you need to start preparing safety measures right away. Let all your friends and your work know about your situation. Tell them not to give any information about you to anyone from your past. Message your friends periodically so they know you’re well, and if you stop replying to messages then they can inform the police. Keep your important ID documents and some money in a grab bag so that if you ever need to escape, you can do so quickly.
Prepare for the worst. Keep living your life, going to work, making friends, asking for help. Eventually a path will reveal itself, as long as you are working towards it.
Whatever religion this is sounds a lot more like a cult (though I could say that about many organized religions) the forcing you to talk, the guilting you, infantilizing you… you need to get out of your marriage and away from your “religion.”
Out of curiosity, if you’re comfortable sharing, what is the faith that you are having doubts about?
You are being emotionally held hostage by a cult.
Just read your old post, and i think it’s a shame that people were encouraging you talk to your husband. In an ideal world ,yes, spouses should be completely honest with each other, but it sounds like you are at risk. I think they may have missed that there’s faith/religion as in believing scripture and then there’s faith/religion as in high-control communities.
I think you need to reach out for support outside of your faith networks right now and develop some independence and means of leaving. A good person to talk to would be your coworker. Also see if there are any organisations around you which help people leaving these kinds of faiths. If you’re on a shared computer, consider going on incognito mode and trying to be careful with your data to ensure your husband doesn’t catch on.
Do you have access to household or personal finances? This would be my biggest concern for you. If you have access to money then it could be as simple as staying with your coworker or booking a hotel. But if your husband controls your finances, you might need help from people who are better versed than me in this.
I’m really not intending what I say here to come off offensive. Really really not trying to insult your community or apply a label to this sit. It’s just the only thing I can think of. But basically, I’m subbed to r/cults (no personal experience with them, just out of interest mostly) and there are a number of people such as ex Jahovas Witnesses in there who’ve left high-control groups. To be clear: I obviously don’t know what your religion is or where it falls in the spectrum between culture and “cult”, but the fact the pastor was on in 20 minutes, and the power to “request” you leave your job and return back home did raise some red flags for me. And also just the fact you encountered so much new information upon engaging with the outside world. Most people are at least vaguely aware of the ideas that exist outside their religions and communities, so the fact it was all so new for you did worry me a bit when I read it. I’ll reiterate I’m really not trying to force any labels on you, I just think that there might be people in that group who have experience with high-control groups and may be able to help you better than I or others on r/relationships can.
You need to just leave the whole situation this is toxic for you
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you check out a podcast called Leaving Eden. Its a women who left a community that sounds a lot like yours, and it might help you put some pieces together and figure out what you want to do next. Your beliefs are valid and your feelings are valid. Please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
You poor thing. You’re in a very toxic, unhealthy marriage with someone who doesn’t remotely value you or respect you. Whatever it is, it’s certainly not love.
Whatever you do, do not quit your job. He’s trying his best to isolate and control you, don’t let that happen. Call some lawyers, explain your situation and see if one can give you a free consult. You aren’t as trapped as you feel, I promise. There is a way out. Find it and be free.
So you’re in a cult.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way… therapy. You don’t need your husband’s permission to go and you absolutely should seek out a secular, non-faith based therapist.
Okay OP, here’s what you need to do.
First, you need to come up with some kind of plausible story for your husband and your pastor. It’s a shame you were so honest with them up until this point, but it can’t be helped now. Tell them you’ve prayed/had a dream/looked deep inside yourself and have realised your mistakes, you’ve apologised to God, etc. Agree that the interaction with your colleague was a silly schoolgirl crush and you feel oh so embarassed about it now. Play the role of the obedient believer to buy yourself some time.
(This will HOPEFULLY get them off your back. However, if they start putting pressure on you to quit your job, move back home, spend less time in the outside world, then you may just need to pack your things and run.)
With the time that you have, start forming an escape plan. There are ex-cult member subreddits that will have specific advice for your situation. There may also be domestic violence support websites and helplines that give advice on how to escape a relationship in secret. However, you MUST do this in secret. Do not do this research at home, on your home computer, or anywhere your husband could see. Stay late at work, do research in your lunch breaks, at coffee shops, etc. If your husband or pastor (or frankly, anyone who’s still associated with your cult) get wind that you might be planning to leave, they may take extreme measures to trap you.
You leaving your cult means losing your husband. I’m really sorry for this as I can tell it’s not a consequence you necessarily want. But the most important thing is your safety, and getting you away from the control of the cult first. All the messy stuff (how do I apologise to my husband? How do I process the end of my marriage? Will I ever talk to my family again?) comes after you’re safe and they have no way of controlling you (in extreme situations, kidnapping you and bringing you back to their centre. Only you know if this is something your cult is capable of.)
You’re not in an easy situation. But it’s not impossible to get out. You should actually consider whether your colleague at work can help you get out: ie, do research on your behalf, store things at his place as you smuggle them out of yours (spare clothes, important documents, things you don’t want to lose). Good luck!
If you’re serious about leaving your religion it’s pretty clear your husband will not support that at all. What you’re experiencing here (especially with what your pastor did) is spiritual abuse, and I’m worried for you that this is going to snowball into emotional/mental abuse.
If you are able to connect with a domestic violence or women’s shelter, they can assist you with resources and connect you with individual counseling.
First things first. You need to go, and that means making an exit plan. A go bag full of clothes, your important papers, medications, all that vital stuff. On your lunch break, apply for apartments. Call in sick one day but tell him you’re going to work and get important things like bank account, utilities set up. You CAN do this.
I left this in a reply to someone else; I wasn’t sure if you get notifications on that though, so I’m saying it again here if that’s ok. I grew up exactly as you did. I was homeschooled until college then attended a tiny fundamental Christian college. Please check out /r/exvangelical hope you find peace with all of this chaos.
From someone who has been there and got out: please, get out. you are so close. you will be happier. Your life is your life, don’t let them club it into submission. It will be difficult at first but there is another world waiting for you. I believe in you. You got this.
(And don’t feel bad that you recanted or whatever — the people who are deeply intertwined in these institutions are professional guilt-trippers. Been there, felt that, it sucks — but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Just keep figuring it out & keep being you)
I believe in you. You’re gonna be ok
Just to say it loud and clear: Your husband does not need to be “amenable” or “receptive” to you seeing a therapist solo. And the fact that both of you think it’s reasonable for him to attempt to veto that is… not a sign of a healthy relationship :-/
I wasn’t raised in such a strict religion, OP, but I have been married for over 20 years. People grow and change, and your problem is that you have a husband who won’t allow that in you. But the biggest problem is that you have a husband who think he CAN ALLOW you to do as he says, and you have to blindly obey. That’s a metric ton of misogyny, and it’s garbage.
I have a feeling you accepted all this vile sexism because you were taught to. But you don’t have to anymore. You deserve someone who respects you as an EQUAL, and anyone who thinks they get to control you doesn’t respect you as an equal. And without respect, there’s no real love. There may be affection, and all kinds of good stuff, but true love comes from equality. Period. PERIOD.
My husband would never seek to control my job, thoughts, or whether I went to therapy or anything else. He’d want me to be happy and to grow and be my best self.
I urge you to go to individual therapy—maybe the text kind. Name the text after a friend and get some help in working through your changes, which are not bad or wrong. Standing up for yourself and growing are beautiful! God gave us a brain to USE IT. Yes, even we lowly women.
I didn’t comment on your initial post but your problem is less a question of faith (that is a part of it) and more just waking up to being abused. Your husband and this pastor are using religion to try and control and gas-light you. Get the fuck out. Like right now. Go to a hotel or something. Warn your boss about this as your spouse may contact them to get you fired or something. Please leave this toxic circumstances and try and find a better life.
I was also homeschooled, also became a teacher. My bubble popped in college, and it was equal parts exciting and terrifying. Here is the thing, you won’t ever be able to go back the same way. Wherever you end up spiritually, it won’t be where you started. The amazing thing though is that it will be where *you* choose. That freedom is the most precious gift you will ever give yourself even if the process of getting it feels painful. There is some wonderful advice here, and I hope the thing you take from it is that you are not alone in this. So many of us have been in the same place as you are now and we are happier on the other side of it.
I know the app gets a lot of hate here, but TikTok has a really robust exvangelical community that is tremendously supportive
Oh man, I remember your post and I was so, so hopeful your update would be more positive than this! Religion does complicate so many things and I especially disagree with the way some people think it’s the alternative to real therapy.
I still don’t think you should foster anything with your coworker because right now your whole life may be in flux and adding infidelity/a new relationship to the mix will just further complicate things. The main goal here should be for you to figure out what you need for you. Even If you husband isn’t willing or approving, you should still seek therapy. People suggested some subreddits that could help but I would also try maybe video sessions with a professional to help you through this.
I mentioned it in my comment to your original post but I have a friend who went through a similar situation to yours and I have an aunt who was in a religious cult for years. That hard line indoctrination is hard to shake. The shame and embarrassment is something they use as manipulation tactics so you feel you cannot leave or question their authority. But OP the fact you wrote this and that you have hundreds of strangers around the world here helping means I have hope for you!
Your questions are never invalid and your feelings are not shameful! I just hope you stay safe, stay strong, and find yourself through this process. Please keep us updated when you can!!