So here’s the deal. I could probably be labelled with any sexuality label in the spectrum based on your LGBT alphabet or whatever, but what best fits me at the current moment is … asexual. (Sorry if this is offensive; I know LGBT aren’t allowed to be fluid and once you’re x you were always x, but in my case I definitely used to be gay and am now more ace).
Anyway.
I often give my partner … manual stimulation in order to keep him OK. Not painful at all. But once in a while, I will do stuff with him that hurts me (to the point of blood and crying that I have to hide) just so he doesn’t feel like our … routine has become pedestrian if you know what I mean. Now, it is definitely consensual. If I told him to stop he would stop. He might be irritated if I NEVER let him do it, so depending on your location on the woke spectrum, that may or may not be OK, but in general if 1/3 times I don’t want it he won’t care.
Here’s the thing.
I feel like letting people do stuff to you that makes you secretly cry from pain just so that you don’t have to abandon the relationship is like … somehow messed up? It sounds like the kind of thing people get scarred over and go to therapy for. And when I think about it that way, it makes me resent him. Especially since the other day I asked him if he could give me a backrub (on my birthday no less) and he goes (exact words): “what am I, your sl*ve?” Like okay, I bleed for you but you can’t give me a simple backrub? So then, full disclosure, I was drunk and asked him if he had backrub trauma that was causing him to not want to give me backrubs. But he said, no, he just doesn’t like having tired hands. That pissed me off.
And yet, I can’t imagine that couples that have been together 15, 20, or more years haven’t had a few occasions where one partner doesn’t want it but makes a (painful) sacrifice anyway to keep the relationship OK.
So, what do you think? Should I go see a therapist for my deeprooted issues and have a serious talk with my partner that he should never cause me pain again, at the cost of his pleasure? Or should I continue as I am, keeping in mind that I am simply on the extreme end of a very normal spectrum of tolerance/sacrifice in a relationship?
Thanks to anyone who can help.
32M, partner 36M, tl;dr need advice for action or non-action to take on painful … routines
7 comments
Perhaps more warming you up before sex (lube, toys, fingers) would help.
You should talk to a therapist, and you should dump him. Sometimes people engage in sexual activities that they aren’t really into because they want to make their partner happy, but it shouldn’t be causing you pain, trauma, or physical injury, and you are saying it is causing you all three. You should dump him though because he’s awful. It sounds like he doesn’t care about or respect you. But he also should know if he is causing you pain or injury, you should not be keeping that info from a partner.
Yes, you should talk with a therapist.
Yes, you should talk with your partner.
No, feeling pressured to do things you don’t want to do is not ok.
I’m a straight guy, but many of my LGBTQ friends, partners, and exes have shared with me the way their orientation, and their understanding of their orientation, has changed in their lives.
Reduced interest in sex can come from many sources. Some are reasons for real concern: health issues, trauma. But, asexuality is also within the healthy range of human sexuality.
I was willing to hear it out ’til I got to the blood… If your SO is aware that you are experiencing very real trauma…emotional and physical (does he not see the blood?), there’s a serious issue friend…and it isn’t you.
Here’s the thing. He’s not the one hurting you. You’re allowing yourself to be hurt. You are in control of this pain and you could choose not to do it, but you are. And you’re resenting him for it. That isn’t okay.
Sometimes you make a sacrifice for your partner but that should be your decision and not expect anything in return. Having expectations of him outside of that is fine. Expecting your partner to give you a backrub once in a while is fine, but not *because* you opted to have painful sex with him.
I think you really should reevaluate if you’re okay with what you’re doing. It doesn’t sound like you are to me, but I’d recommend working through that with a therapist. If you are not okay doing it, you should not be doing it, regardless of what he wants. These kinds of boundaries are healthy though they may make you realize that two people are not compatible in a way they can both be fulfilled.
Yeah, you need to talk to him. Do you think he assumes you enjoy this? Because I as a partner would definitely want you to. Knowing that you just endure it to keep me satisfied would actually shock me. Sex is supposed to be fun for both sides. As so often, communication is key. Tell him why you go along with this: Because you don’t want to lose him. And then ask him to be open to you in return. There are so many ways to sexually please each other; there’s so much you could try to make this work.
If he knows you only suffer through those situations but chooses to ignore it, well that would be a whole other problem. But from what you write it doesn’t sound like that’s the case(?).
Sexuality is fluid, whoever is telling you otherwise is extremely wrong