Is there saving?

I’ve been married for almost 10 years and I would like to say that it’s been easy, but it hasn’t.

Prior to being married I was in 1 relationship and it wasn’t at all great. He was verbally abusive, cheated on me, and wanted to change every aspect of me.

I married my husband because he was everything that first relationship wasn’t.

My husband relapsed and started doing drugs within the 2nd year of our marriage. It was the most miserable time in my life. He was always out and there was time that I didn’t hear from him 2 days in a row. I was stood up and I had nightmare of him cheating.

He said that he has never cheated on me, but I don’t believe him. I am not sure if this is due to my first relationship but I know the type of person my husband is- he’s selfless, honest and doesn’t lie “ he hates bing called a lair” and is a man of his words.

My husband seem to hold on to incidents.
1) he would say I love you to me and hug me when I was cleaning and bending down in which my back was hurting and I told him not to say it anymore- because I was irritated
2) I asked him for a divorce because he never was home
3) my tone doesn’t carry well and my husband thinks I’m disgusted with him.

I am frustrated because I wish my husband put me first. When I was first married his guy friend asked him for a guy night out And he would tell his friend that he’d prefer to hang out with me. Today is a different story where it seem like I’m the only person who he doesn’t want to hang out with.

I’m worried that him hanging out with this girl is something more.

He likes hanging out with her because she’s easy to talk to. However, he would say that he doesn’t want to stop hanging out with her or that she’s doesn’t make me feel guilty.

I know my overthinking is what killing this marriage but I just want to be seen and heard and I feel like no matter what I do- I don’t feel like I matter.

He has given me maybe 1 anniversary gift out of 9. Last Christmas he gave me things he dumpster dived for and put no thought into it. I just want to be thought of.

Whenever I asked him questions he will say that I’m being negative.

I asked him questions like “ are you not attractive to me”

I feel lonely and I don’t know how to connect with him.

His sister passed away March 22nd and I feel like him being distant is worst.

I need advice…