TL;DR: My (M29) girlfriend (F30) had a twin brother who died recently. I never met him, he lived across the country, but from what I know, he was a hot mess. He was in rehab twice, a horrible alcoholic, the whole nine yards. He died a few weeks ago after he got drunk and crashed his car into a tree. My gf and him used to be really close apparently but they rarely talked now. Weve been dating almost for nine months and they’ve never talked.
Gf was super broken up about his death and went to the funeral but she asked me not to go. I didn’t and when she came back, she started bawling. She doesn’t cry much but her brother died, so I couldn’t blame her. I asked about him because I thought she might want to talk about him, but she told me she hated him. Then she said she didn’t and never could and she wanted him back.
At this point I was like wtf because I have a sister and our relationship ain’t this weird. I asked her why she couldn’t hate him and she told me I had to promise I wouldn’t freak out. I said okay and she said he and her had an incestous relationship from the ages of 16-23 when they went pretty much no contact. She said she initiated it and wouldn’t say anything else when I asked
Man I don’t know what the fuck to do. Like, she’s great, but man. Incest is fucking yikes. My bro told me I should break up and I want to but. I don’t know. Fuck man. She just lost her brother and she’s kind of lonely. She has, like, two friends and one lives in NYC and the other in Chicago. (We’re in Virginia) I don’t want to hurt her but it’s real fucked up, you know? I didn’t sign up for this. Idk what to do. Help?
29 comments
Yeah, most likely it is part of a family cycle. The other issues are likely the result of abuse earlier in their lives.
If you want a future of always watching out and wondering with her family, go ahead. She needs therapy at a minimum with someone skilled in sexual abuse.
9 months in, yeah that is probably a bit much to deal with and think about a future with.
this seems like a dealbreaker for you (as it would be for the vast majority of people), if it’s weighing this heavily on you right now, imagine how you might feel weeks, months, years from now of it eating you alive. it seems like you’re more hesitant to break things off because of her condition, and not because of how you feel about her — listen to your brain here!
Wow, this is crazy. This is obviously something you’re never going to forget about your girlfriend. If you can come to terms with the fact that she initiated and maintained an 8-year sexual relationship with her twin brother which likely directly contributed to his addiction issues and eventual death, then more power to you. Your girlfriend is severely emotionally damaged and will require a lifetime of therapy to sort this out. Are you ready for that? In the grand scheme of things 9 months is not that long — if it were me I would get as far away from this crazy-ass situation as possible.
Serious truma 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ and never look back
This reeks of childhood sex abuse. I bet she and he were either abused or exposed to it.
Dude you told your sibling her biggest secret. A really shameful, dark secret. You have to end this relationship now because there is absolutely no way he will keep this secret!! I don’t care how much you trust him. He will not keep this secret. This will wind up being thrown in her face by someone in your family and you relationship will end then.
Just call it now. It’s fine that she’s nice and sad that she lost her brother. It is 1000% reasonable to not want to be with someone who consentually engaged in incest.
End it with grace and respect so no more harm is done.
Edit: a clarification for consent.
You told her darkest secret, she deserves better than you.
damn
A red flag cant get any redder.
A girl like that will certainly deal with sex in weird ways. Run
Uhm I would too LMFAOOOOO
I would break up with her too
I know you’re freaked out about this and you’ve already told your brother but……can you imagine how much she trusted you to tell you this? She literally told you her deepest and darkest secret. Now you want to crush her for it. She’s the same person you knew before. Instead of leaving her, maybe you can try to get her some help. Please help her to a good place where she can at least cope with her brother’s death before you think about leaving her.
That kind of honesty and love (for you) is pretty rare don’t throw it away unless you have to.
You probably should not have told your brother but maybe he was the only one you could turn to. I think she’d be well within reason to initiate breaking up with you.
If you two can move past the shock of this revelation and the breach of trust, I think you should suggest therapy for your gf, assuming the wisdom of the Reddit crowd holds true and sexual abuse is at play here and you have to do the work of being supportive of that therapy and rebuilding the trust in your relationship.
I do not envy you. *He kūlana paʻakikī*.
She needs therapy!!
You need to do what feels best for you.
think about it like this man, yeah, definitely not normal. but what led to that that you dont know about? was it the result of unhealthy coping? what does it really change about her as the person you fell in love with? while yes, it is her brother, it is still sex…and not just random hookup sex, it was honestly probably the result of some trauma in their lives..and clearly she doesnt feel good about it. id say itd be worrisome if she treated it as no big deal. and really i dont even feel the incest is the issue, its all the other psych issues she may have that led to and/or stemmed from it. think of it as any other psychological problem, would you want to dump her for having major depressive disorder or some other disorder that stems from trauma? in my opinion this is something you could get past if you want, but its also understandable if its a deal breaker for you. i would at least try fo get all the facts and try to look at it from her perspective before making a decision. i would also say you shouldnt talk to your fam about this man. i know they may be your go-to people for advice, but if you decide to stay with her that is something they will always think about her now.
That’s enough Reddit for today. Goodnight friends
Edit: Thankyou for the award, it’s my first one
>I didn’t sign up for this.
Here is your answer. You didn’t sign up for this, and guess what? Not many people would!! I wouldn’t…just so icky.
And it doesn’t matter about all the extraneous stuff going on in her life. It’s not relevant in the least.
YOU DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.
You’re disgust is perfectly normal, and I think you need to do yourself the great big favor of ending this relationship guilt free.
Ask her why she smashed her bro for 7 years. I’m not sure if the reasoning changes anything for you but definitely make it clear to her you’re rethinking the entire relationship because of this. Tell her soon because that is a huge bombshell. Idk why people are saying shit like she’s the same person she was before. Like no? She willingly initiated and maintained a sexual relationship with her twin. That’s so messed up. If the reasons don’t matter just let her know you want to break it off. If they do matter and it’s a result of trauma, abuse, you have to decide if you want to 1) stay with someone who smashed their brother 2) if you want to deal with all the grief your brother will cause by spreading it 3) the struggles of dealing with her pain and traumas along with your own.
Bro I know it’s pretty messed up but its not completely out of the ordinary for these kind of histories to be a thing.
If you truly love her and support her, I’d try to put it past her and be there for her during this loss.
We’re only human, and she was young.
That said you really shouldn’t have told anyone let alone your brother cause she shared this with you in confidence. Alternatively she could have just kept it her own personal secret and you wouldn’t have ever known. It’s not like she cheated on you, so don’t punish her for telling you something that’s really dark.c
I think your in shock which is totally justified. I’d say take a couple days to think about it and then tell her your sorry but you can’t be that person for her
Dude she shared with you the 1 thing which no women will share with anyone. Just imagine the immense amount of trust and love she has for you. Secondly, you shouldn’t have shared this with your brother. one day for sure he will take advantage of this.
Shes loves you and trust you. She is in a situation were she needs you the most. She is lonely and broken. stay with her. Let her see that you are there for here in her bad days. Even if you wish to break up. this is not the moment. You could talk about this to her after she gets out from her brothers sorrow.
Lastly, yes nobody ever signed up for bad things. I never signed up to get broken twice by the same girl. But look am still with her and love her the most. And my love has changed her.
**Stay and if you wish to leave, then after a while.**
Some sanctimonious people here questioning why you told your brother. Because you trust him to give you sound advice. Nothing wrong with confiding in someone you trust. This woman is sick and right now *you* need sound minded people to steer you away from her. Who better than your brother? Reddit unhinged strangers with their own raging issues?? Right….
If it’s a deal breaker then it’s a deal breaker.
Telling other people her most personal secret was fucking terrible of you though.
This isn’t a path for you to walk on, by the sounds of things. This is my insight:
1. She initiated a sexual relationship with her twin brother at an adult age for 4 years. It wasn’t a once off, it was a willingness to be sexual with sibling which is not only illegal but incredibly taboo.
2. You both don’t trust each other. You told your brother when she asked you to not say anything. She will find out and then won’t trust you.
3. You’re obviously in shock – totally normal, I would ask for some space from her for a bit.
4. I wouldn’t recommend being with her while she goes to therapy for this, she will be going through a lot of emotions.
5. Sounds like she’s had no therapy for this, so I would recommend leaving her and she can sort her out stuff out.
Don’t be with someone because they’re lonely or sad, look out for yourself and have some self respect for your mental health and future.
Goodnight Reddit
stop this is like the 456th incest post today. we don’t want to be involved in your weird kink thanks anyway.
I lived with my cousin; after I moved out he told me he had incest/rape fantasies about me that he was going to act on if I hadn’t of moved out. He told me that he’d go in my room and suck on my sex toys, sniff my panties and jerk off with them. Even described his favorite pair I owned. He said he wanted to keep them but was afraid I’d notice.
Family shit like this is fucked up. Sexual shit like this doesn’t just come out of no where. Something had to have happened to her as a child. Even if she did suggest it to him first, doesn’t mean she understood necessarily. Maybe she was taught that’s how you love the men in your family; to keep them close and happy.
Confiding in your brother isn’t an issue. I don’t care who says it is. You needed to talk to someone about this and tell them and get it off your chest and hope they can shed some light or offer advice.
I can see why you’d want to leave her.
I can understand why you don’t.
But if you already have these feelings, then you leaving her because other people who could properly take care of her and have known her longer and can get her the proper help.
Maybe if you were a few years in, you’d feel differently.
But just because she doesn’t have anyone else in the area, doesn’t mean you have to fix her or her situation or help her heal. That isn’t your job. Yes, support her emotionally and try to understand if you do choose to stay with her. Be as supportive and understanding as you can.
But if you’re at your limit and breaking point because of this at only 9 months in, I don’t think you’re going to be happy if you stay. I think it’s going to hurt you and your mental health and your psyche more.
I mean you’ve already betrayed her trust by telling your brother, so no way can this relationship last anyway.
Likely there is a history of abuse in her family. Probably one of many reasons she asked you not to go to the funeral.
Get her a support system in place (therapy) and then you’re going to have to carefully step away.
First, I’m so sorry your GF is going through her loss and grief, and I’m sorry this has opened up a huge emotional can of worms between you two.
Lots of short sighted comments out here on a Saturday night, so let’s take a step back and look from her point of view for a moment, at least from what we know (and withholding judgement for a moment). She likely put that part of her past in the past, and the death of her brother has opened that old wound. We don’t know a ton about this relationship, while she said she initiated it, there may be other factors at work here. As others have noted, this may be part of a pattern of sexual abuse in that home. Maybe she’s convinced herself that it was her idea, as that’s how she copes with the guilt and shame around it. What is clear is that this is something she hasn’t really dealt with, and again probably more under the surface here. This isn’t about lying, as some here have noted, this is about a person who had a major life trauma in their past (even if it turns out they were the complete perpetrator of this abuse) and their now immediate need to start working through it.
The short of this means she is not, as Dan Savage would say, in good working order. She is going to have to process and work through some of this stuff, and would have needed to at some point, whether her brother passed away or not. She is going to be in a rough place for a while. She needs therapy, and she needs it now. Any moving forward of this relationship would need to include that.
What you need to decide is if you are on board for the ride. You need to decide if you can have an open mind to go through the journey with her of being a supportive partner while she works through this and gets answers for herself. As her partner, you’ll need to address the impact of this on the relationship and on you. It’ll be worth it for you to meet with a therapist to process your feelings and reactions.
If this relationship is just too new, or the gut reaction you have is so strong that you need to leave, I urge you to be tender in ending this. “GF, I know you are going through a major loss, and it’s raised some questions in your life. While I care about you, I don’t think I can be a partner to you in this.” Do NOT show any judgement towards her or her past, just let it be. Do NOT spread gossip and rumor, just let it be. Again, we really don’t know the depths of what really happened and why. It would be awful to put this out into the world as “she fucked her brother” when the deeper truth could be about other abuses she suffered that lead to that relationship, or her being a victim in this situation. Best of luck to you both.
Hey, slow down, man.
Yeah, it’s odd, ngl. But. Hear me out.
Brother is gone now. Out of the picture.
And she didn’t have a kid with him, so no weird genetic issues.
And she confessed this to you because she trusts you to not see her as a monster.
She trusts you, not to understand, but to listen.
Not saying it isn’t weird. BUT. It isn’t evil.
It was consensual, and honestly, from your point of view you could view it as being no different than any other ex of hers that suddenly died.
She lost her brother. And, strange though it is, a former lover. It’s going to hurt much, much worse if confessing that cost her yet another relationship.