We got in a stupid fight. I absolutely hate going to bed angry. I told him from day one I don’t want us ever going to bed angry. But I was upset and hormonal and I started crying. He told me- “Don’t start crying for no reason.” I got so pissed off and left the room. He isnt an emotional person and I think in 5 years I have only seen him cry maybe 2 times. I explained to him that I am emotional more than normal obviously around that time of the month. Sometimes women cannot control it. It really hurt me when he said this. It’s like my emotions aren’t recognized or justified. He apologized and said he would not say it again.
Any ideas on how to speak to someone with little emotions or explain to them how YOU feel? I feel like I can’t ever find the correct words to make it make sense to him.
Thank you so much.
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This is a tough one.First, the hormones happen and it’s hard for women. I do believe men are emotional but just express and process them differently. Nevertheless, I generally believe a man should have sympathy to see his wife cry, I don’t like how he is being dismissive. And the “cry for no reason” invalidates how you are feeling. I mean I am assuming you aren’t crying 3 times a day which can be overwhelming for anybody.
I would say maybe counseling? Because emotions is needed by a man in a relationship. This is a little scary because women need that protection, and the ability to relate to us. What that does is pushes you away from him. I would say more talking to him on it, or maybe seek more professional advice than Reddit
When he is calm and relaxed. Approach im and say “ i know im very emotional at times, but i need you to just be there for me and not criticize.” You may feel that i am sensitive and may not care, but it would realy help you if you just give me a hug or at least ask me why im feeling the way i am. Thats all you need to do really
Have got tried seeing it from his point of view?
When you start crying during a disagreement, you automatically win. He’s an ass for still being frustrated and he has to comfort you.
It could be that he feels that his feelings are always disregarded when you start crying and resentment has built up
If you are too upset to articulate, then you need to take a break, and that’s OK. Going to bed angry is better than figuring all night.
I’m glad he apologized and said he won’t do it again, when you’re calm you should have a tali and let him know rates aren’t intended to manipulate, they are an involuntary reaction to high emotions
“Don’t go to bed angry.” Something I quickly learned was bad advice. Timing is absolutely a part of communication, and if you are in a place where you know you are feeling very emotional, it’s probably not a good idea to engage in that moment. Sleep on it. Get some clarity. Re-approach when things are calmer. (Sometimes in the morning I look back and think it really wasn’t a big deal after all.)
Lack of empathy is a huge problem in a marriage. Is he compassionate toward you in most other settings, or is this disregard for your feelings a pattern? If it’s a regular thing, then it might help to do couples counseling or something along those lines. Even if it was a rare event in your marriage, a counselor might be able to help your husband understand and relate better to you. You could also buy him one of John Gottman’s books and ask him to read it! He did apologize, so maybe there’s hope that he’ll do better next time.
Ah yes because it’s just so possible to turn off emotions. People who say that are ridiculous.
Im a crier: when I’m frustrated or very angry. It’s not manipulative. Crying is like sneezing: it’s an automatic (I.e: unintentional) physical response. Just give me a tissue, say “bless you” and keep talking.
Your emotions are valid, your crying is valid and you have all rights to do so, you’re valid after all.
Sometimes when we’re angry and calm down afterwards – we still don’t notice those lights at the end of the tunnel. He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again. Think about it. Accept it. Say thank you to him for acknowledging your feelings.
His reaction to your reaction is also valid. He just doesn’t know any better yet for whatever personal reasons, but it looks like he is capable of learning.
Hug each other, be thankful and promise to be more gentle from now on.
Probably and unpopular opinion but…How I see it is, Having an argument/disagreement is hard when one person is crying. I find that the point of the convo gets tossed to the side and now you have to comfort the crying person and the point of the convo is lost. I’m all for emotions, have them and get them out. I know sometimes tears just come out. But I also think there’s a time and a place for them. Is he yelling at you? Etc and maybe it’s just your feelings are hurt. But i can see where he’s coming from if every time there’s a disagreement/fight you start crying, it’s almost impossible to resolve anything with a crying person.
I feel you on this. I am a crier. I cannot help it, they just come out when I am angry, frustrated, sad, tired, etc. next thing I know, my eyes are blurry and tears drip down my face. If there was a magic wand to turn them off, I would. On the other end of it, if I am anxious or nervous or stressed, my body seems to involuntarily make me giggle/nervous laugh and that never does me any favors either! My body’s coping mechanisms are so annoying.
State your complaint but do not criticize him. There is a key difference. Ex:
Criticism: “You never care about my feelings”
Complaint: “What you told me really hurt my feelings. I need to feel supported to be happy in this relationship. When is a good time to talk?”
Google John Gottmon and The Four Horsemen
Can you just tell him you need to step away for a minute then come back to the conversation when you’re level headed? Sometimes I have to do that when I’m angry/sad/etc cause I know my response will be too much.
Imagine being really frustrated with someone and then they start crying so you have to console them while you are also still frustrated. If your husband is regularly putting his emotions to the side to console you that might be a lot for him.
>He isnt an emotional person and I think in 5 years I have only seen him cry maybe 2 times.
>Any ideas on how to speak to someone with little emotions or explain to them how YOU feel?
You have categorized your husband as having “little emotions” and “isn’t an emotional person”.
Is it fair then that he categorizes you as an overly emotional person? I mean there’s a balance between crying twice in 5 years and being an emotional cryer.
Being a consistent cryer regardless of the severity of the situation or circumstances can be overwhelming for a partner to deal with. Imagine having an argument/fight and there’s an inevitable countdown to their tears.
Halting the conversation to console you, reassure you, comfort you may feel manipulative even though there is no ill intent behind it.
You can learn to manage your emotions. If you need a break during a fight, take the time for yourself to calm down. You can always revisit it later. Don’t go to bed angry advice can’t always be followed. Sometimes, you just need to sleep on it and talk to your partner the next day.
I cry when I’m frustrated or angry bc it’s the only way the emotion can come out without me yelling or screaming or acting like a crazy person. If you don’t let any emotion out when you feel it, then you’ll end up bubbling up and having a complete outburst. If crying is your way of being able to express the emotion you feel then do it. It’s not for your partner to decide if it’s “for no reason”
I also agree with the other posts about not going to bed when angry.
Most conflicts are better resolved when you can both come back to communicate level headed. Sometimes that isn’t going to happen before bed and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you won’t reconcile in the morning.. it could even take a couple days depending on the conflict.
I guess at the end of the day everyone is entitled to feel how they feel and as long as it’s not being expressed by violence or harm to yourself or others, then do what your gonna do to let it out. If your partner doesn’t like it…. Well, it sucks to be them 🤷🏻♀️
> It’s like my emotions aren’t recognized or justified.
Well…they aren’t justified. That’s the issue. You said it yourself.
>I explained to him that I am emotional more than normal obviously around
that time of the month. Sometimes women cannot control it.
I’m someone myself who just isn’t overly emotional and its just physically draining to have to deal with someone who is always breaking down for any little reason. Its the boy-who-cried-wolf syndrome. Its emotionally taxing for me to try to be there for someone in tears but I make the extra effort for my wife, but when it happens over any little thing at some point the camels back breaks and I just dont have it in me to care the same anymore. If you physically and hormonally cant control your ability to express yourself when youre in an emotional state, i think its only fair that you cant expect him to fully empathize with you in the situation when he’s built differently.
Go to bed angry if it feels natural, don’t force a resolution because it’s the EOD. Silly advice
My husband is this way. And I resent him for it. I won’t go into lengthy detail but he never touches, consoles, zero intimacy. He barely cried at his father’s funeral and our pet passed 2 weeks ago and he didn’t show any emotion.
I was a mess sobbing over the loss of my cat. And he sits there not saying a word.
Didn’t even act like it bothered him.
Oof. I’ve gone back and forth about commenting here but a lot of what you’ve said is very familiar.
My husband and I are similar. He prefers logic and has a Vulcan-like grip on his emotions. In 15 years I’ve seen him cry maybe 5 or 6 times. I have adhd and what I now recognize is likely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I feel things more intensely and cannot regulate my emotional response. We are literally wired differently. If I’m upset and somehow manage to find the words to describe what I’m feeling and why, it’s still like we’re speaking different languages. And I spent years feeling like every argument was my fault and that I was just terrible.
Our relationship has grown a lot, and we’ve both made changes in the way we express ourselves during an argument. If I’m getting to the point where I’m crying and I can’t really articulate why, we take a break. If he gets to the point where he’s about to shut down, we take a break. Easier said than done, but both of us sticking to “I” statements usually keeps the temperature down.
One other thing I’ll mention is that just because he doesn’t express his feelings the way I do doesn’t mean he’s not feeling them at all. I forget that still. But if I want my feelings to be validated I need to try to do that for him.
Idk if any of this is helpful, but I really identified with a lot of what you said. Good luck
He has NO emotional maturity and is invalidating your emotions.
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r/HealfromYourPast has resources
Mines pretty non emotional so I asked him. He and his brother both chimed in with “just be very blunt, but hold your own emotions in check because what you may think is a big deal, he won’t. And if you’re being emotional, it’ll just be harder for him to get it.” So try being blunt, lay all the shit out there and talk from there while keeping your own emotions in check.
I mean, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month and he was saying things that weren’t even rude, he was just trying to help me and i got pissy with him, but he told me it was okay and he can’t expect me not to overreact to things sometimes when i’m on my period – so ykno, if your man isn’t supportive of you during that time of the month that’s kind of shitty, I’m sorry you’re going through that 🥺
Instead of “don’t go to bed angry,” my rule is “don’t sleep apart if you’re angry.” My husband has a habit of sleeping on the couch if he’s mad at me (or thinks I’m mad at him) and I told him the very first time he did that, that I’d rather we sleep next to each other even if I am mad at him. Instead of waking up to an empty bed and reliving the reason for our argument, I’d rather wake up next to him and start a fresh day – just put it behind us.
I almost never cry. So I think you should say to him something like… yes I cry very easy is like when you are not smiling or something light for you
He’s being a mongrel. You are entitled to have emotions…be emotional and cry if you want to. Tell him to get stuffed.
The old “don’t go to be angry” thing…what a load of nonsense. Old wives tale rubbish to me.
Sometimes it’s best to go to bed, get some sleep and you feel a whole lot better in the morning. You both need to recalibrate.
Why were you crying?
Why do women get a pass for being hormonal and men don’t? Testosterone is very much a hormone.