My(25f) 3 year anniversary is coming up with my partner (25m) and I wanna talk to him about emotional cheating and make sure we are clear on what is considered what moving forward in our relationship. I know what I consider what but my issue is I don’t know how to bring things up without them getting defensive and the conversation becoming an argument before it even started.
I have caught said partner emotionally cheating on me before and confronted it and we worked it out so I thought we worked it out. I’m pretty sure it’s happened/happening 2 different times since. With us coming up on our 3 year anniversary I want to have a conversation about what my boundaries are again and what his are and give him a chance to tell me what I already have gathered.
So like how do I start a conversation like this and have it go well?
TDLR:
So i know he’s engaging in conversations and dynamics I consider emotional cheating but we’ve also never really discussed those boundaries. I’m wondering how to have a conversation about emotional cheating and hopefully he will tell me what I already know. How do I start a conversation about it is the question.
21 comments
[removed]
I’m of the opinion that couples need to figure out how to have these kinds of conversations respectfully but there are multiple aspects to doing this successfully.
First, neither of you are mind readers. You have to make sure the words you use are clear and properly explain the idea you’re trying to convey. Just because you say the words that explain the concept to you, that doesn’t mean your partner gets the message. You may be assuming something that you know is also something they know. For example, if someone wanted to update the OS on their iPhone, telling them “It’s in settings” is different than telling them “Open Settings, go to General, select Software Update, and follow the prompts from there”.
Second, make sure you are listening to understand, not listening to respond. By that I mean that when your partner is talking, don’t try to pick out points that you disagree with and start thinking of how you’re going to respond. That’s not listening to what they’re trying to say. Try to make sure you understand the message they’re trying to convey. If it’s not clear, repeat it back to them with what you did understand (i.e. “So, if I’m understanding correctly, you mean…”). Remember that just like you can sometimes assume they know what you’re thinking, so can they.
And finally, don’t be afraid to be blunt about the need to have the conversation. For example,
“Listen, I know this is a tough subject and I know we’ve covered it before, but I’m having some insecurity over this and I’m trying to make sure we’re on the same page as we move forward. I don’t want to assume you know how I feel and find out later that I didn’t help you understand me.”
Good luck!
I wouldn’t tell him that your insecure, I would tell him that you don’t like it, and flat out ask him if he wants to be in this relationship with you because what he’s doing is making you not trust him. Please don’t waste your time if he doesn’t think what he’s doing is wrong! Emotional cheating is a real thing and can lead to physical cheating! Just flat out ask him if he has feelings for someone else, and then go from there, you Will know if he’s telling you the truth! Good luck
He knows you are a fool.
It is easier to have difficult conversations when you are not looking directly at the person – long car rides or hikes work best.
IMO, I think it would work if you made it into a game of sort. Would it be cheating if….and make up a story. Then talk it through. After awhile you switch to your real situation and it will be easier to communicate about your relationship.
This needs more information. You say you’ve caught him emotionally cheating. Can you describe the situations where that happened?
Can you provide an example of the emotional cheating?
I mean it’s not like he’s defensive because of your communication style….he’s defensive because he’s emotionally cheated on you before (and may be doing so again..?)
Sometimes it helps to literally express your intentions at the start.
“I want to make sure we’re on the same page with boundaries; it’s a good time to check in. This isn’t me accusing you. I want us to be able to discuss this calmly together. Are you ready for that conversation now? Or did you want to wait til dinner?”
Reading comments you’re just straight up getting cheated on. I’d cut losses.
I don’t think this is something a conversation, this needs to be a break up – assuming you don’t want to be further emotionally cheated on. Or probably, also – physically cheated on.
It’s not you who’s bringing it up poorly, it’s the fact that he’s not willing to let GO of the cheating and your bringing it up is threatening that.
So dump this fucking loser. It’s not hard to not cheat.
Google the term. You get this as part of the definitions:
Some say physical cheating is the worst offense one can commit in an exclusive relationship, but emotional cheating—where your partner connects with someone else in a “relationship-y” manner without any touching—can be just as damaging.
Print it out and hand it to him. Tell him that this is the definition and if you do it again, I am gone.
WHEN to have “difficult” conversations is important.
Quick tip:
Bringing up the conversation right after work is a bad idea. He may be tired. Bring up the conversation after a nice meal together. He will be at ease and more open to what you have to say.
I statements, talk from your feelings and point if view and set your boundaries, listen to what they have to say and remember that your peace is priority.
“I feel this way when this happens”not “you do this and that and that too”
First of all, if the recipient wants to argue, then no matter how you say it, they will.
Next time he emotionally cheats, go to a bar and bring a guy home while your “partner” is in the house. After the dust settles, explain that it’s the same thing and it’s not like you slept with him. You were just going to hang out.
Maybe bringing it up and then rolling through one thing at a time to let him have space and think on it. If he’s anything like me I’m good for a convo but once it starts going from a point/debate/convo to an argument it becomes a waste of a learning curve to now everything going out the window, then in time apologising and going round full circle with nothing achieved. I truly believe space and time to digest is key. For some people anyway
You know the saying, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”? Yeah, you are beyond that. Your anniversary doesn’t matter if you don’t trust him – it becomes nothing more than a documented timeline for how long you haven’t been on the same page at minimum or how long he has been straight up violating your boundaries at max. It is very telling when you attempt to have a rational discussion with a person close to your heart (family, SO, close friends) and they immediately turn it around and into an argument. I think maybe the question is not “how can I express how I feel w/o it being turned around on me/turned into an argument?” but rather “is this relationship remotely fulfilling, do I walk on egg shells, is it time to say I am walking away?”
How exactly is he emotionally cheating?
Will he be allowed to set boundaries too?
You said:
“I have caught said partner emotionally cheating on me before and confronted it and we worked it out so I thought we worked it out. I’m pretty sure it’s happened/happening 2 different times since.”
So, at least 3x hes gotten emotionally close (enough so that youd refer to it as an affair) to other women in the 3 years youve been “together”, am I reading that right?
My question is not about him. He is now a proven cheater/liar and that is just what you KNOW about (I hold firmly to the iceberg rule that what you know represents 20% of what actually is). My question to you is, gently but firmly, why do you put up with this? In other words, what is it in you that allows you to make exceptions for him over and over? Can you explore that within yourself? Maybe in therapy?
Hint, its called “sabatoging your success” and its something I know quite a bit about. Its embroiled in self worth issues that are many times a result of greater FoO issues.
Do what you want with him and the relationship (I personally have no time for cheaters) BUT, “To thine own self be true”, OP.
Not to burst your bubble, but if you caught your partner cheating, the likelihood that he’ll do it again is high. Truth only got exposed because you caught him, he never confessed nor was honest with you prior. People who lie constantly/hide things and get caught just get better at hiding.