I’ve started a relationship very recently (about two weeks now) with a guy who has been my FWB for a couple of months now. We’ve seen each other quite a bit this year and both decided to make it official as we had started to develop feelings for each other.
However, he lives quite far away from me (about 3 hours by train), and in a few days both of our schools will begin. I will be starting a new university course which will likely have me very busy and since i have classes every day and a job I can’t easily come over, the same goes for him. My university barely has weeks off as well. He is someone that parties a lot and hangs out with his friends quite a bit, so when we are both home there is barely time to call each other or catch up.
I REALLY like him and I really want to pursue a relationship, however all of the above makes me afraid I’ll feel isolated and insecure in this relationship.
I’ve already talked to him about this, but his response was that he wanted to take things very slow in the beginning anyway.
Whenever I ask if he could make some time between hanging out with his friends to call or hang out he kinda freaks out a bit, he explained this is because is former girlfriend was very controlling, but im not sure how to feel about this. It makes it difficult to discuss things like this with him, and it even sometimes makes me feel like I’m annoying him. Even though he always asks me if i want to come along and stuff- because of the distance I can’t easily just hop over.
So my question is- does anyone maybe have experience with a similar situation? Does anyone have advice on how I could handle feeling insecure in this situation?
TL;DR
I’m feeling anxious about my new relationship as we won’t be seeing each other much.
3 comments
Let’s just put down what I know about each of you:
He is big into hanging out with friends and having his own social life. He’s already brought up that he wants to take things slow (translation: he does not want to get flak about how he’s ignoring you when you’re talking a couple times a week). You know he’s had issues with a controlling (for a teenager, that generally means “she wants to talk a lot”) girlfriend.
You are anxious about your upcoming courseload. You want to hang with him when it works out, and that “freaks him out”. You’re already worrying that you’re annoying him.
The Both of You are living far enough away that being able and willing to carve out “us time” will be super important to having a relationship.
… and that doesn’t seem likely. He’s showing you that making time to be with you isn’t a priority. You’re showing him that you have some pretty strong needs for “us time”. Those two things cannot co-exist. Unless you can figure out how to meet in the middle, we’ll see you back here on r/relationships when you need to wonder about your LDR boyfriend who doesn’t prioritize you.
You’re going to continue to feel insecure because you don’t have a good reason not to. You are already Long distance have very limited time to talk let alone see each other and he wants to take it “very slow” whatever that means.
And he acts like making 1 on 1 time to be with you is an issue, his baggage is not your fault you are not his ex.
Look, if this relationship was important to him, he would make it a priority. It doesn’t seem like he values it at all, certainly not the same level as you.
If it’s any consolation, plenty of people struggle through steadily worsening long distance relationships when they go to school. It’s almost like a rite of passage.
I’ve been in several long distance relationships and seen many more (military life). If it will work or not is a total mystery at this point. I honestly believe it’s not possible to tell if it will work. People change a lot when you’re away from them, and you change too.
Something to keep in mind:
Balance Your Contact – in the beginning it will be easy to talk to each other often, text often, etc. But as time goes on you both need to settle into your new (temporary) lives, make connections, get dinner with people, study, etc. You need to make sure you’re in contact enough that you feel connected to each other, but neither person can be demanding with the others’ time. It happens a lot especially if one person doesn’t find friends, and insecurity becomes an ugly thing. Resentment is common. (So is cheating for that matter)
This relationship is very new, even if you include the FWB time. If things don’t seem like they are working, honestly, trying to save you some headaches, don’t sink too much time and mental health into it. You both have your entire lives ahead of you.