TLDR; I’ve been feeling like I’m being taken for granted and unappreciated; I was upset today and crying before my partner got home. When he got home, he was super happy about how great his day was, he was happy for the first time in forever; he hasn’t felt any emotion really since he was 16. I started to tear up when he said “I felt like they wanted me there!” because I wrote the opposite of that down before he got home and it resurfaced the “ow” I was trying to shove down. I ruined his rare happy mood and I want to make it up to him.
For context, my partner and I have been having major issues and we’ve been on thin ice. I’ve been dealing with abuse and porn addiction from his end for about 3.5 years, been together for almost 5. Recently I found out that he’s been lying and hiding again and it hit me pretty hard this time, so I’ve been feeling pretty down. I don’t care about porn, but he eventually replaced me with it because he was too embarrassed about his porn induced ED for a while. We had what felt like “duty” sex maybe once every 6 weeks.
I was feeling upset today because I’ve been feeling like I’m being taken for granted and I’m not appreciated. A small and sweet gesture that he used to do was text me when he finished performing at his show. He doesn’t do that anymore and it kinda made me feel worse and spiral a bit. I was writing in my journal about 20 mins before he got home and I was crying.
He got home and he was telling me about how great the show went, how happy he was, that he hasn’t felt that way in so long! Then he said, “I felt like I wasn’t a burden and they actually wanted us there!” And that hit me right in the gut because I just wrote the exact opposite of that down in my journal. I started tearing up and… well the night went to absolute shit.
I tried to shove the sad down, but then he called me selfish, that I’m sad that music makes him happy (we’re both musicians so I understand and *thoroughly* support this man!), that I don’t want him to be happy, I ruined his night, then he started to gaslight me and dismiss anything I said. just bad. He went off. And honestly, I understand where he’s coming from. He generally feels “meh”, never excitement, never sad, and he’s been that way since he was 16. He doesn’t know why. But tonight he was beaming!!!! I wish I could’ve been there for him emotionally and I couldn’t. I ruined it.
It’s been a really difficult month for me and I couldn’t control my emotions. :/ What can I do?
Edit: reading this back, I know that it sounds bad, but we started off really good and he is actually a really good guy. We just lost it along the way and we’ve been doing a lot better lately. Bit of a setback and I’d like to continue improving our communication and intimacy 🙂
12 comments
Wait, did you say you’ve been dealing with his abuse *and* porn addiction? Abuse is never ok. He’s not a good guy.
You can do better.
Is he the only man in town and that’s why you’re tolerating this?
“I wish I could’ve been there for him emotionally and I couldn’t.” You also say it has been a very difficult month for you. Has *he* been there for *you* emotionally?
If it’s been a very difficult month for you, why are you saying “we’ve been doing a lot better lately”? What efforts has he made to improve the relationship? How has he been supporting you over the past month, if at all? Are you two really doing better or is that what his gaslighting has made you believe?
> reading this back, I know that it sounds bad
Yes, it does sound bad. And you deserve better than this.
OP.
Do you think that abuse is a mutual relationship issue to be worked through??
**It isn’t**.
It is not a mutual issue it is his issue. Abusers cannot be in relationships.
End it. Be safe and get the heck out. This doesn’t get better if you stay.
You are denying yourself happiness.
Maybe you’re having a hard time and on thin ice because you hate being together and can’t wait to get away from each other.
He doesn’t sound like a very good guy to me
I’m wondering why a musician was surprised not to be a burden? And why you weren’t with him at his performance?
to sum up… my partner and I are miserable together. I sit home crying while he’s out performing for people who usually treat him like a burden. as a musician myself I don’t go to his shows because I prefer Journaling, wallowing in self pity and after show texts. he’s never been happy and prefers porn to sex with me. so in effect… we’ve fallen through the thin ice and are now drowning while freezing to death.
You’re entitled to have feelings.
Sometimes we have our own shit going on and cannot be there for our partner in exactly the way they want at the exact moment they want it. I suspect there has been plenty of times when he couldn’t and didn’t support your happiness or achievements in exactly the way you needed in the moment.
Abuse, addiction and lying are not “relationship problems” that you can work to solve. They are abusers and addicts and liars problems. This is not a good guy.
Hell, I seriously wonder if just *how super happy* he was today was a tactic he was using to silence you on a day he knew you were reaching your limit of sorrow and disconnection.
Pretty fucking convenient for him to have such a handy bit of emotional manipulation available to him just as you were reaching your breaking point…
You’re allowed to have a bad a day and your feelings are valid regardless of what’s going on with him. When my partner and I have had opposite days, whoever had the good day takes some time listen to the one who had the bad day, then we do something nice for the other person or take on extra chores or something. We don’t punish each other for “ruining our good day”. That’s messed up. Your boyfriend sounds like he needs professional help, and you deserve a kind and supportive partner.
You’ve been together for 5 years and dealing with abuse and porn addiction for 3.5?
70% of your relationship has been dealing with abuse and porn addiction. 100% has been with a husband who sounds completely emotionally absent. It sounds like you ARE being taken for granted and not appreciated.
I’m also side-eyeing your husband’s reaction to you having had a bad day. Like, yes, it sucks that his good day got stepped on. But his reaction to you tearing up is to call you selfish and say that you don’t want him to be happy? That’s really extreme!
> I wish I could’ve been there for him emotionally and I couldn’t. I ruined it.
Why isn’t he trying to be there for you emotionally? Why wasn’t his response to give you a hug and some words of comfort? If he really thinks that you are deliberately sabotaging his happiness, you should absolutely break up!
I was expecting something totally different… He sounds narcissistic. I don’t think it’s so much that you “lost it” along the way. He’s just more comfortable showing his true colors