Background: I (21f) and my boyfriend (22m) have been together for a year and a half. We have been living together for quite some time as well. In the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was spontaneous. However, as I switched to a new birth control, my sex drive decreased and I began to gain little to no interest in sexual activities. I have now come off of birth control and haven’t seen much of a difference in my drive.
Situation: Recently, my boyfriend mentioned that we should start watching porn together. He said this will enhance our sexual relationship. He then proceeded to mentioned that he goes out and gazes at other girls bodies and that watching porn together would make him stop that urge to gaze (which doesn’t make sense to me). He then admitted to watching porn occasionally throughout our relationship which was shocking and it broke my heart as it was unexpected. I don’t see where he finds the time to do this since we live together and we are always home at the same time. When he admitted to all of this, I began crying as he tried to reassure me. I feel like he was only reassuring me to convince me that watching porn will:
1. Enhance our sexual relationship
2. Stop him from gazing at other girls
3. Stop him from watching it on his own time
Eventually I caved, we ended up doing this last night but I was extremely turned off. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to watch porn or why certain videos were chosen. I feel like this experience made me more insecure because he is watching videos of girls with a body that I just do not have. I began gaining feelings of insecurity which is unusual for me as I am usually quite confident in myself. I tried mentioning that I didn’t like the experience and he proceeded to play it the following morning during a hj. I again became uncomfortable and he said “this is what we are going to do now” and tried to make it seem like this magically made our relationship better.
For our entire relationship, he has never suggested doing anything like this until now and I feel a bit stuck. I feel as if I am not satisfying him or that I am not good enough and I don’t know what to do or how to further communicate that I don’t want to watch porn together or even have him watching it alone at this point. Now every time I leave the house, I am in fear that he is watching it and clearing his history.
I have always believed that love/making love is between two people and I think this is why this is hurting me. During that night, I felt as if the attention that is usually all on me, was now him staring at a video of a naked girl on a phone screen. I think this is beyond damaging for my mental health and that this will effect me in the long run. Like why does my boyfriend suddenly want to get off to someone else?
Please provide advice for me, anything would be much appreciated.
TL;DLR feelings not being taken into account
8 comments
Ughhh I had an ex that was v similar to your bf. I need you to read what you just said in this post and really reflect if this is the partner you want to be with for the rest of your life or even for the time being. If he has to watch pork videos to stop him from gazing at other females then he’s not worth it because any guy who truly loves you won’t gaze on another woman because he’s not watching porn with you. You deserve better, but anyways up to u
I am so so sorry that he’s doing this to you and honestly reading this made my stomach drop. This is obviously something that you don’t want and I think you should have a talk about your boundaries and what you are/aren’t ok with. If he isn’t receptive then in order to be happy you may have to leave him. This isn’t normal at all and you can easily find someone better. You are so young so please don’t waste your time on him and find someone who actually respects you.
This can all be normal in a relationship. Just talk your feelings through with him and try to come to an understanding.
As a guy, I promise that looking at porn does not decrease your attraction to or relationship with a woman at ALL. There’s even an element of strengthening it, as there’s no connection with a video, so he is reassured that you’re the only one for him when you are together.
I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to get things going again because he really wants to be with you, and his only issue is lack of intimacy. You two should try to talk over how to go about it in another way if watching porn together doesn’t work for you.
TL;DR: Guys are weird, but we do love you.
So first of all he’s being a jerk in the way he’s going about this. Trying to coerce you in doing something you don’t want to do (watching porn) by saying it will “Stop him from gazing at other girls” and dismissing your feelings by declaring “this is what we are going to do now” is fucked up.
However I don’t think you can stop or should try to stop him watching porn in private. I understand the feelings of insecurity you have around it, I used to feel them too, but at the end of the day it doesn’t mean he is not attracted to you, it’s just a stimulant of sorts.
Also, if your sex drive has been low of late, I can understand him feeling frustrated and wanting to try to spark some sexual activity between you two. Again, the way he’s doing it is manipulative and gross, and you should never have sex you don’t want to have but if your sex drives are now incompatible it may mean the end for your relationship.
I’d advise an honest and open discussion, lay down your boundaries (you don’t want to watch porn with him) but discuss your incompatible sex drives and if there is a solution that makes you both happy. If he refuses to stop doing what he’s doing…you’re young and I promise you there are better men out there.
He wants other girls sorry
That’s not you, that’s a porn addiction. Thats his problem.
If both people are happy to do that, ok. But you aren’t. Don’t do it. Tell him no, and if he doesn’t like it, he can F off.
My ex was addicted to porn. This is something he suggested as well. I wasn’t comfy with it for the same reasons you stated – it just took the attention away from what is supposed to be a connective experience between partners. In the end, it was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage. It doesn’t help anything or magically make it better. It’s just a way for him to justify his own issues.
Sounds like your boyfriend was trying to express himself and solve a problem with the relationship. He doesn’t feel like there is enough sex, his eye is starting to wander and he doesn’t like it. Watching porn together is a normal thing to do in a lot of relationships. You can talk about likes, dislikes, find some things to try. It can be fun to mimic the video and turn it into a bit of a game. Also if you sex life is dwindling your boyfriend is going to take care of himself. Your like of sex drive doesn’t mean his drops as well.
Watching porn together may not be a thing to do in your relationship. But you have a problem that needs addressing.