Hello! I am a 22F and I am dating my 24m boyfriend. We have been dating for almost two years, and living together for 4 months. Recently I have become exhausted with asking for my needs to be met in our relationship. Initially he will try, but then within a week he’ll go back to how it used to be. Are these too much to ask??
-Wanting him to say he loves me before bed, so I know that even if we both had a hard day, everything is okay
-Some form of acknowledgement when I get home (i.e: “hey, how was your day?”). I also would never have a problem if he said “hey, I’m pretty drained today, can we catch up later?”.
-Compliments, ideally 1+ per day. Verbal affirmation is so important to me (i.e: you look so pretty today, I’m proud of how hard you’ve been working).
-Talking about our future. He mentioned off hand he wanted to marry me, and hasn’t talked about it since. He also rarely talks about his future plans
-Physical affection: forehead kisses, hugs and cuddles. Doesn’t need to be in public, just occasionally when at home
-Telling me about his day. Oftentimes he’ll say “oh it was fine” and then won’t tell me anything else. This is so frustrating!!
-Being slightly intuned to my emotions. Like obviously he’s not a mind reader, but if I’m outright crying and upset he checks in on me
-When we are in public at social events, introducing me to people and not randomly walking away and leaving me with strangers. Incorporating me in conversations
-Check in on me emotionally (i.e: “I can tell you’re upset, do you need to talk about it or need some space?”).
-When we get into a disagreement, talking it out instead of immediately moving on from it
I have no problem communicating these needs to him, but I feel like I’m always doing it! Am I asking for too much? I know nobody is perfect.
33 comments
Any returns you get will be all but contrived.
Of what value is that to you?
Perhaps you’re in the wrong relationship.
A relationship where none of these is being met consistently sounds pretty lonely and unfulfilling.
You and he may very mismatched. Do the love language test. It’s obvious what your language is. Can you figure out what his love language is? Do you support him in his love language?
If you are not satisfied, end it. Find someone who you fit with better.
This is VERY GOOD, and I wish more people would come through and articulate their needs!
My radical thought: print out this list, and put it on the refrigerator (or someplace else he’s bound to see it).
THEN invite him to make his OWN list, and put it next to yours.
At least then, all your needs will be out there, and there won’t be any secrets around the other person not knowing them, or resentment about them not being met.
These are all extremely reasonable. If you have clearly communicated them and still feel as though they are not being met, I would break up honestly. These seem crucial to a healthy foundation of a relationship.
Also, if I had been dating someone for 2 years and living with them for 4 months, I would seriously hope that my partner saw a future with me, and that we would discuss our future goals/visions & marriage frequently, not just once in passing in all 2 years of our relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for just over 6 months & we love fantasizing about our future & getting married & having kids. I know it’s early in the relationship, but I think it’s natural to think/talk about a future with a partner that you love & are in a stable relationship with.
You have like zero compatibility, you have very different love languages. Yes, it’s kinda weird to demand compliments and love confessions but it’s your partner job to understand your needs and fulfill them to a reasonable extent. You can’t change a person. You need someone who already wants to do those things. Do you do those things for him btw? Does he just not respond when you say I love you or greet him?
Imagine having an organized “to do” checklist over something that should be pleasant and spontaneous.
No thanks.
You’re asking for the bare minimum. Leave him and find someone actually worth your time.
Your ‘needs’ are overwhelming to someone who does not think of doing these things – whether or not he loves you. You are being an accountant in your relationship, and at 24 sounds like he just does not want you to be telling him what to say, how to feel, how to respond to your anxieties and neediness. You are smothering him. Listen, saying I love you before going to sleep is something maybe married (or long term relationship) people do, but demanding that he say it every night is ridiculous. Expecting that he intuits your every mood is also outrageous; these are things you learn after living together for several months or years. Some couples don’t know how to deal with their partners every mood.
Hubby and I say ‘love ya’ frequently, but generally it’s to sign off from a phone convo, or if i”m on a trip or whenever.
And, some disagreements are too annoying and too petty to pay attention to.
Good luck with this OP, but all signs point to a break up soon.
Your needs are not too much for you. They may be too much for him. Is this a dealbreaker for you?
I have a very verbally and physically demonstrative husband and try to reciprocate. We routinely sprinkle “I love you’s” throughout the day – end of phone calls, after sharing a laugh, at night before bed. If you say it first, does he say it back? Or are you expecting him to always initiate?
Do you have it set up where you can snuggle and watch TV together?
We also don’t scorekeep on affection or acts of kindness or any of that because we do it because we want to, not because it’s expected or ‘commanded’.
He’s pretty much at an age where his behaviour patterns are set. It’s likely been this is how he was raised and doesn’t see a ‘need’ to behave a certain way, or feels awkward trying to force something or any other number of reasons.
Again, if this is going to be a dealbreaker for you, you need to tell him so he can decide if he wants to try and check off all your daily boxes or not.
He won’t be able to meet these needs that’s a big list. You will be able to find someone who meets at least half of those.
Why are you with him? You don’t want to date him, you want to date yourself, or somebody exactly like you. If you can’t accept him for who he is, let him go already and find somebody who is actually who you want, not somebody you think you can change.
It sounds like your love language is “words of affirmation” and that you’re generally an open, communicative person. It also sounds like your boyfriend is not like that. You can’t change him. But if you know the kind of personality that’s attractive to you, you can keep an open eye for that next time.
That’s a lot of freaking rules. I’d find this exhausting. Obviously he’s not that into you. Just find someone who is actually into you.
Your list is very specific, and I love it. They all seem entirely reasonable to me and a good basis for a healthy relationship.
It just seems like through you meticulously writing all of that out, you must have had to put so much thought and energy into this list that hopefully would go WITHOUT even needing to be said to the right person for you. They’d probably have the same needs and so wouldn’t need it spelled out.
It just seems like too much work to have to ask over and over for this. Please consider taking some time for yourself to get some space from him. It’s so hard when you’re deep into a relationship not to see when your basic needs are not being met, or to blame the other person instead of recognizing that you have other choices open to you. Space also might help you see you’ll be completely fine if you decide to move on, or at least help you not dwell on what you’re not getting out of this relationship if you do stay.
All sound reasonable except for perhaps the “love you” at a specific time every night, and the 1+ compliments a day I feel is coming from insecurity. I had an insecure partner who needed to control routines like that even small stuff, and constantly need compliments to be able to do stuff that’s just part of being an adult then get resentful when he wasn’t constantly propped up somehow. It was exhausting, felt like he was a literal child. Don’t get me wrong I think compliments and saying they love you are both important, but it’s the specific numbers and timeframe that’s seeming like it’s a bit more of an internal thing than his external behavior.
Mars/ Venus.
You sound exhausting.
Just date another needy and insecure person.
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Go to therapy, that’s the real advice here.
wake up and break up
You can love someone intensely but they are not compatible with you. If he is mechanically meeting your needs for a while and then it just drops off, *he* is not getting any return that gives *him* incentive to continue doing it.
It really sounds like your needs do not mesh well with his. At 24, he is still young and finding what he needs and wants. His attention is on other goals at this time in his life. At this point he may know what he doesn’t want more than what he doesn’t want.
It sounds like as soon as he mentioned getting married, you went to work making him your idea of a perfect husband. You want your ideal emotional partner and want him to tailor himself to that. You mention nothing about what he wants from you. Do you know? Have you asked him? The answers would tell you if you are compatible.
You could just be at different stages of your maturity. Maybe five years from now you would be better suited to each other. Or maybe further apart.
Wow. If these things aren’t coming naturally then maybe you’re with the wrong person? I mean if you have to ask your partner to be affectionate, show an interest in your day ect, there’s something not right. Must be so draining for you to have to ask, and for him to try and remember to complete your list of tasks.
A relationship is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
I’m sorry to say he sounds like he is unable to meet your needs. If he did these things after being asked will it feel false? Is he stubborn?
There’s too much missing info to say one way or the other if he has checked out of the relationship or not.
Is he more of an introvert? What is his love language? Is he depressed/ stressed?
You need to dig deeper why he can’t meet your needs.
You aren’t unreasonable wanting these things. They don’t cost money, only thought and time and that’s what’s bugging you. The thoughtlessness.
Maybe it’s just not the way HE rolls.
But that doesn’t make you unreasonable or him love you less. It’s a difference.
Are either of you willing to work out or alter your approach?
You sound overly insecure and your bf sounds like he does not like you
I had that problem in the beginning of my relationship with my husband. Then I realised he was damaged by other women. He was used to being abused verbally, manipulated, lied to by the women in his life… (previous partners, sister and mother)
… I lost count of the amount of times i told him “I am not them!!!”
I made sure to always treat him how I would like him to treat me, took us 2 years to get there but hey now i have a wonderful husband who I trust and who trusts me.
The whole 1 compliment a day is needy to me and the ” talk about our future” every day? I could see once in awhile but I’m not gonna talk about it once a week or once a month. If I’m with you,
( I always make my intentions known) you would know where I see us going. Everything else is just what I woulld do to be a good BF. I would always greet you when you get home, ask you about your day. I would always kiss you before bed and tell you I loved you ( I’m not saying this towards you I’m saying this to whoever I’m dating.) I would say this relationship sounds super bad. I mean what is a relationship if these things aren’t being met? Kinda just sounds like two friends living together. I actually just got out of a relationship due to this stuff popping up. She wouldn’t greet me when I walked in from work, she wouldn’t make time for me, she wouldn’t really talk about anything I was doing or how I was doing. If I was clearly mad but she was ok she would just move on. It sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. If you have to force him to do this stuff, it means he really doesn’t wanna do them. I get into the same situation…my SO might not be doing something that I think is really important… But if I ask her to do it… Then she’s doing it bc I asked her to and not bc she wanted too. Don’t set your standards too high but this sounds like a bad relationship.
Looking at this list, me and my husband do every single one of these things for each other. Like every single one. But it’s never something that’s been expected or demanded of each other, it’s something that’s just come naturally. Only you can decide this, but if these are things you really want in a relationship, and he’s not giving them to you, maybe you are incompatible. I don’t know though. Maybe you just need to sit down with him and explain that these things are important to you and these are needs that you have that aren’t getting fulfilled. Either way, best of luck. I hope you figure it out.
I wasn’t competent at most of these things until I was closer to 30. Date someone older.
He is doing nothing wrong. But so does you. Your needs just prabably don’t click together . You should try communicate but if you can’t find compromise in it then you can just part your ways because at least you won’t be satisfied in this relationship.
I just ended my almost 8 year relationship because of this. There were some other reasons that helped me realize as well. You deserve to get what you want from the beginning of a relationship and begging someone to love you or give you that are BARE MINIMUM in most relationships is not healthy.
It’s hard to digest and even harder to act on. The most upsetting part is (at least in my situation) is as soon as I told him I was really, truly done – he cried, said he was mad at himself and gave me everything I could ever of wanted the past 7 years. It made me realize it truly was too little too late and honestly broke my heart to realize either
1) he could’ve done the things I begged for all along (ended up confessing he felt “forced” to do them the whole time which is why he didn’t – bad reason)
Or
2) he was just putting on this “new him” and then if I decided to stay he’d eventually go back to the real him because this wasn’t sustainable
We’re living together still until he finds a new place and he’s still actively trying to give it to me but after years of tears and asking – no, pathetically begging. I am ready to move on and get what I deserve from the beginning of a relationship.
This is a long list, and it’s understandable of course. But understand that it can’t happen everyday. I guess you have a busy man, and that’s a good thing. Also do you only look at your needs or do you have some understanding for him too? Of course you could leave him, but then you wouldn’t be posting this. Looks like you are trying to help him save the relationship and that’s admirable of you.
Ok so it sounds like a lot of needs when read out but he should meet most of these without having to really try that hard. Are either of you anxious or do either or both have mental health issues? Also make sure to get the right amounts of sleep and make sure your both working towards goals. You will both be a lot happier if he doesn’t find his life so draining also so the little things to cheer him up will also help. Best of luck and remember that what’s for you won’t pass you.
You are just asking for a normal relationships, does your partner put in any work? Maybe you need to take a break and think about if you two want to stay together at all at this point.