My (21F) boyfriend (22M) and I have been together for 2 years now, we also live together.
It’s been 2 years that I express to him my discomfort about his ex but it always ends up into fights and absolutely no change.
For a bit of context, we met online, had a first date that went super well so we decided to take an Airbnb for 2 nights in his home city. On my arrival day he planned to meet up with his friends at a bar. Maybe 20 meters before we were there he told me that his ex was also there and joked about how his friends would speculate on a pattern of his about blonde girls with blue eyes (I dyed my hair back to brown because of this). The night went well but I still felt uncomfortable and it was even worse when he invited his friends and his ex to our Airbnb (which I paid for) without letting me decline. I was feeling super bad seeing her lying on the bed we shared for the first time a few hours before.
The next day he also planned a night outside and I noticed that he didn’t even called his bestfriend to let the others know we were arriving but again his ex. I was so pissed but wanted to look “chill” so I didn’t say anything. I eventually got drunk and kept saying shit like “I hate men I prefer women”, “men are fucking garbage” ect. because I just was so resentful towards him.
He didn’t understand and the next day just asked me to not say stuff like this in front of his friends.
When I got back to my place, I talked to him about how it made me super uncomfortable and how I found his relationship with his ex and decision to bring her to our SECOND meeting super weird. He said he understood and that I do have my word to say about it.
However nothing changed, he still talks to her both through their friends’ group chat and private messages. He keeps saying that she is a part of the friend group and that I cannot understand how they like each other, that I am immature and socially awkward, that I don’t understand human interactions and relationships.
Anyways, last month we saw her again (I agreed to it) at a bar with his friends. I didn’t talk to her, she didn’t talk to me. When we went back I was angry and didn’t like how she acted and told it to my bf. He send her a message about how he won’t see her with me again (so he will only see her when I’m not there). She said that I was rude and looked at her badly so she wouldn’t be there when I was there anyway. They talked about how it was weird of me to feel and react like this, she said I tried to compete with her and he corroborated with everything she said. As I said, she didn’t talk to me neither and I just didn’t look at her (eye contacts make me anxious). He absolutely didn’t care, even tho he was there so he obviously saw that she didn’t talk to me and made me look like the bad and unfit guy.
After that, we had another issue in our relationship and we had a big talk about all of this and I talked to him about how he always prioritises others’ feelings over mine, always picks the easy “no fight” way despite how it affects me and my emotions. He seemed to understand and to be willing to fix this.
Nonetheless, she reached out again asking if he blocked her on messenger (I blocked her, yea I shouldn’t and I’m to blame for this) and engaged a conversation with him. I saw a text from her because I needed to check something on my bf’s phone and asked why they were talking. He said what I wrote above (even tho it wasn’t related with what I saw) and today I asked what she wanted. He just said they had a small talk and that’s it. I argued that I didn’t want her involved in our lives and that I’m fed up with it, that I thought he understood but he answered that he already made the effort by not seeing her when I’m here (which is far from what I asked, since it’s the least thing I want to happen). He just became enraged, called me names and said that we should break up right away if I’m not able to accept the situation.
What can I do to make him understand how this situation is affecting me and how I feel unimportant and just less worthy than his ex to him? How can I make him understand that it’s not immature to be unable to deal with everything that happened and that I’m not trying to tear down his friend group?
TL;DR : My bf and his ex are part of the same friend group. Their relationship makes me uncomfortable since he brought her to our second date/meeting. He takes her side when she tries to make me look like the bad guy and just cannot understand my feelings towards the situation.
5 comments
Unmmm, fight her or leave him? Idk tbh I would smack him🤷🏽♀️ like is he dumb? Why is he leading you on?
Let him have his ex since she’s so incredibly important to him. Move on. He’s not worth all the stress.
Your partners ex was there before you and will be there after you.
You need to decide if you’re going to be okay and able to trust your partner in this situation.
If you can’t, leave.
If you can, chill.
He values his ex more than you. Why are you wasting more of your time and energy? Call it quits, you’d serve better than to fool around with a dumbass.
I want you to put yourself in his shoes. Would you stop seeing a long time friend/ex because he told you it genuinely hurt his feelings? If yes, the you totally deserve the same accolade. Some people generally don’t understand the fact that what they do and say affects somebody else, even thier partners. If your boyfriend is insisting on talking to his ex and doesn’t care for your feelings, then that is not a healthy relationship at all. I see that you care about him and your relationship, but do you honestly still want to be with someone who doesn’t care about how you feel? Imagine if it was on a bigger context, or a whole very serious issue, I bet he would react exactly the same way, with zero care for your feelings. You have to talk to him, and let him know you won’t settle. If he doesn’t care about that, and doesn’t care that you won’t settle. I am not sure you should be with that kind of person. Think with your head, not your heart. And please let is know what happens.