Apologies for the very long post.
I (f41)have been with my bf (m 45) for 1.5 year. He has severe untreated ADHD. He cares 100% for two small kids and has a challenging full time job, a lot of pressure and criticism from the ex and his parents so he is all over the place.
We both have kids (mine are in their teens) and this is the first serious relationship for both since we broke up with our exes (years ago for both) so it took time to navigate into this new world of dating with kids.
He has a really bad relationship with his kids’ mum, she sounds very neglectful and irrational (ie never follows through plans to have the kids yet constantly criticises him). They are going to court next week to fight for custody. He is extremely stressed about it. He said the process started since he met me as that is when he started seeking support with childcare from her. Social services are involved as there have been some concerns about his parenting and he feels ashamed about it. The ex has a child with her new partner. The partner is not allowed near the kids due to drug charges. He also doesn’t want the kids.
I feel very insecure with my bf. I have included him fully in my life. He comes to my house all the time, whenever he wants, stays as much as he wants. He is fully welcomed by my whole family and friends. My kids like him, he stayed for a week at my mum’s house with my brother and met all my extended family and friends. I know absolutely no one in his life. I have met his kids 3-4 times. I have been to his house 3-4 times. I am not allowed in his house when his kids are in, let alone his parents who come and stay for months.
I am feeling very hurt by this distance. I am a professional woman, I make good money, have a great job, I have two master degrees, own my own house, I have raised on my own two brilliant kids who excel academically and I have a clean criminal record. I want to feel welcomed in his life, I welcome his kids in my life, the few times we met we got on very well. I feel I would be an asset to his life, yet I feel so rejected. Every time he finds excuses why he can’t see me when he has the kids. He says he has no friends and that is why I haven’t met anyone. His relationship with his parents is very codependent and they are a very toxic family. He is an only child. They constantly criticise him, they tell him he is a bad father, they come and stay uninvited in his house for as long as they want (which is months) and they don’t approve of our relationship because they think he should be focusing on his kids (they never met me). His ex also doesn’t approve of the relationship because she is afraid that she will be replaced yet she has minimum involvement in their lives. Also, we don’t plan to move in together in the near or distant future.
We have very little quality time, mainly during working hours, and he is always rushing to pick up the kids, make dinner, take them to activities and days out etc. Yet, I could be joining them in some of these things if he really wanted to so we could have more time, but its not possible. I am so paranoid about why he is excluding me from his life so much.
We don’t have opportunities to spend the night together and planning anything is almost impossible because he needs the approval of his ex or parents to babysit. His parents won’t babysit for a date, only for work. I don’t remembered how many times he cancelled me last minute because his mum or ex changed their plans.
He keeps promising that things will change. Now I need to wait until the end of the court case which is next month but I always have to wait for something.
I spend my weekends and evenings alone or with my friends and I feel very lonely. He gets defensive when I try to explain to him how I feel and he forgets so easily. I am so exhausted of these repetitive cycles.
He says he wants to treat his ADHD and get a mental health assessment, he wants to start couples therapy. He says he knows he is the problem and wants to fix it, but other than words nothing ever happens.
He is always late. He is distracted. He has a bad temper. I have caught him lying. His personal circumstances with the kids, parents and ex are so confusing that I don’t know if its his inability to be coherent or he is trying to hide something. And if he is trying to hide something if it is due to shame or its something else. I am certain that he doesn’t live with another woman.
I spent the day crying today because like every other Saturday he made me wait and if he came it would be for a quick one hour. I have been asking him to organise an activity with his kids in the weekends so we start getting used to each other so we reach to a point that I am not banned from his house when they are there and maybe I can spend one night there, as he can’t spend the night with me. He told me earlier that he would come alone as the kids are going to a birthday party. I don’t believe this as it was only mentioned last minute so i feel that he keeps avoiding merging our lives and I don’t know why. I text him 3 hours ago that I don’t want to see him as he makes no effort to include me in his life. He hasn’t responded to my message.
This week I saw him for a quick dinner and he came over for two hours quickly yesterday. Yesterday I suggested that we meet at his house. I could be there earlier than him and he was alone (my kids were at home yesterday). He said he doesn’t like to stay at his house because there are mice there. I told him he could come only if he wouldn’t stay for two hours only again. He said ok and he stayed for only two hours.
It may seem obvious but advising me to leave won’t help as I am not ready yet. I just need some advice about what boundaries I can enforce.
Also, at this stage of the relationships is it reasonable to expect to be fully introduced to the kids or shall I wait longer?
TLDR; My bf of 1.5 year doesnt include me in his life. I don’t know anyone in his life and this makes me paranoid
14 comments
I’m struggling to understand what you are getting out of this relationship. You sound like a serious catch, yet you are sitting around waiting for some shit show to get his life together.
What’s so great about this guy that you’re allowing him to dictate your future and your happiness?
This is such a mess. This is just not going to get any better. Truthfully, he needs to concentrate and getting things working correctly with his kids and his ex. You didn’t say how old his kids are , but it could be years of custody drama. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for YOUR children?
And **THIS**
>He is always late. He is distracted. He has a bad temper. I have caught him lying. His personal circumstances with the kids, parents and ex are so confusing that I don’t know if its his inability to be coherent or he is trying to hide something. And if he is trying to hide something if it is due to shame or its something else. I am certain that he doesn’t live with another woman.
**To quote others here….this is SOLID MARINARA!!!**
Boundaries are something YOU have. You enforce them against yourself only with people who refuse to meet them. You enforce them by making them actually have meaning and weight. But again, you aren’t enforcing them for anyone but yourself.
You can’t change him and there are no reprocussions for him in this situation. He does whatever the hell he wants, and you sit around waiting for him.
So, say you want a boundary to be “I won’t waste my time waiting past 35 minutes for someone who is late”. The outcome is, if at 35 minutes he’s late – you leave and continue with your day. That’s an enforced boundary.
But it sounds like you actually want to change his attitude toward you, not enforce any personal boundaries. Remember, boundaries are something YOU have. They aren’t a law anyone has to follow. And if you have to push your own boundaries onto someone else, that’s more of an ultimatum to get them to change, not enforcing a boundary for yourself. I highly doubt this man would hear your boundaries and make any personal changes, because he cares more about his own comfort than you. You say it yourself – you are not ready to leave. But all boundaries you enforce will hurt you because they’ll just prove to you he doesn’t care about actual, real progress or change. And then you’ll have to face that head on later.
Please read what you wrote out loud, if this was one of your children or a good friend writing this about a relationship what would you tell them. Also why would you even consider exposing your kids to this on a regular basis when you have your life together and supportive family.
What I’m interested in is this, what was your relationship with your parents like as a kid? I think that’s probably the best place to start
It seems like he is too embarrassed by how his life is in shambles to want to really include you in it the way you are asking to. At the end of the day, he just isn’t emotionally available to you, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that to change anytime soon. You’ve already spent a year and a half trying to get him to let you in, and it sounds like he just doesn’t have the capacity for it. You could find a partner who will actually show up for you and who has the capacity to merge your lives together. Just think about how much different that would feel compared to what you’re dealing with now. I know all too well how easy it is to fall in love with potential, but at this point it doesn’t sound like any of the potential has been realized and it’s not logical to think that it could be. It sounds like he wants this relationship, but he doesn’t have the capacity for it to really be what you want, and he doesn’t really have the ability to change the circumstances of his life in order to have more availability to you. At some point you’re just going to have to call it. If after a year and a half he isn’t comfortable inviting you into his life, he probably never will be.
“It may seem obvious but advising me to leave won’t help as I am not ready yet. I just need some advice about what boundaries I can enforce.”
What boundaries? You can’t enforce a boundary for him to not leave after an hour, not lie, not have a temper… Boundary means if he can’t do/not do something, then you leave the room/hang up/break up. You can only control what *you* do.
If you want a good reason to have a hard boundary of “you can’t treat me like sht or i’ll leave” – think about your kids. They’re teenagers, they see and understand everything. Right now you’re showing them that this kind of relationship is good – “this is what mom is choosing. So it must be normal. This is what i’ll choose in the future.” You’re setting a terrible example for them.
Very little of these issues are related to his ADHD and you shouldn’t think they are.
Sorry to say but he is definitely hiding something from you. Too many red flags.
It seems like you are trauma bonded to this person. You have a lot of good things going on for you and it should not be wasted on someone who clearly didn’t respect them. You are giving a lot of excuses for his bad behaviour. I have stayed in relationships such as this and all it has done is waste my time and broken me down further. You need to find a good therapist because it seems a mixture of codependency and self worth. Also this man doesn’t seem trust worthy. People seldom change , don’t waste your time waiting for someone to change. What you see is what you get.
I’m a single mother and I wouldn’t invite anyone into my home/life.. my son is off limits and so is my personal life. So with that I won’t date anyone unless it’s super casual and I wouldn’t be exclusive knowing I might not be around for a month or so. Or if it really doesn’t work out casually then I stick with one night stands.. it’s how I want my life and it works for me. I’m also upfront from the start
> The partner is not allowed near the kids due to drug charges. He also doesn’t want the kids.
So this should be a slam dunk case however
>Social services are involved as there have been some concerns about his parenting and he feels ashamed about it.
>He is always late. He is distracted. He has a bad temper. I have caught him lying. His personal circumstances with the kids, parents and ex are so confusing that I don’t know if its his inability to be coherent or he is trying to hide something.
>He said he doesn’t like to stay at his house because there are mice there.
I think its not outside the realm of possibility OP that he just isn’t a good dad. What would you do if that is the case? That he has mice because his house is so filthy and that might also be why CPS has such concerns about him? If he was honest about it, would you still see him as “potential?”
>I feel I would be an asset to his life
You phrasing it like that is very telling. Like you’re trying to “sell yourself” to him in an attempt to get him to give you crumbs of attention and happiness.
This guy is keeping you at arm’s length from his private life. 1.5 years in and you’ve barely met his kids, and haven’t met any friends or parents. He only sees you when he wants to and when it’s convenient for him; well, what about your needs? Makes excuses for not having you around at his house. Does he display the typical symptoms for ADHD or is he lying about that too so that you don’t ask further questions about it?