I dont know what is wrong with me and tbh, im affraid to figure it out but i have to because its driving me insane. This is a long post and i apologise. I hope a few of you will read till the end and might give an advice on the issue at hand.
I love my bf with all my being. I cant imagine us being apart. We both make sure we show how much we love eachother and he has always been a insanely patient, loving and caring man. More than i could ever be to be honest.
But The problem i’ve been facing is in the bedroom. Well, we both are facing it, but i am at fault here.
I have never been crazy about sex. I lost my virginity at 18 and even that happened because my then bf said if i wont give it to him, he will find someone else who would. Ofc i did not cave right away but i , like i am, gave in after about a year of that relationship. And it took me more than a month to actually consider it sex because i was in so much pain, i was crying. Yes, i was losing my virginiti for more than a month lol…but i forced myself and so it happened. I dont have many good memories of my sex life from that relationship (for obvious reasons) and i know this might play a huge role in the issue i have now, but as i said, i have never really thought about sex as something i must have. It felt more like it was expected of me so i must perform in order to be loved.
Fast forward to my second relationship that i am in now (4-5 years, idk we dont really keep track tbh). We jumped into the sexual part of the relationship pretty fast. We were both attracted to eachother, i felt loved since day one. We were both crazy for eachother and so was my sex drive. Its crazy and i didnt believe thats possible until it actually happened to me. The first time we had sex , it was amazing. It was the first time i enjoyed it and was in the moment. I also passed out for a moment there, which i didnt know is a thing but the pleasure was i guess too much to handle. That first time of us having sex was 1 out of 3 or 4 times, that i DIDNT have anxiety attacks in the first 3 minutes or the urge to cry durring and/or after. Just writing this makes me cry because i feel bad about it and im lost.
I love him and i feel the urge a lot of times, but its gone in split second. The moment we start the act (penetration or foreplay) i just close up. My mind says yes at first, but after seconds im like no no no and my body goes “NOPE”…It hurts and i have to force myself to be able to have sex. I have to pretend i enjoy it. And sometimes there are moments where i do enjoy it for like a few seconds, and then its gone again and im just hoping it ends soon because i feel awful. Trully awful. Moments pass and i get angry at myself so i try to force it again and here i am running in circles.
The most pleasure i get from sex is when i see how crazy my bf is about me and how good “i” make him feel and that makes me feel happy.
He has seen me cry and whenever he notices me being anxious or in the urge to cry, he stops cause he doesnt want to force it or, if it happens after, he hugs me and apologises but he did nothing wrong… Which means, we barely have sex. We try, i try to force it and ofc he doesnt want that so we just stop.
I have been to the gyno and im perfectly fine btw. I have no issue with pleasuring myself as well so its not like im asexual.
What is wrong with me? I need advice on which way should i look because ive been trying to digure this out for a long time.
4 comments
You have a great boyfriend. Next time try to talk to each and keep up the conversation while you are at it. I might help you to draw your thoughts away from your trauma. It might help if he pleasures you like you pleasure yourself, so try to stay away from penetration at first. Don’t blame yourself, but that asshole of a first boyfriend. The reason why you experiance pain even without penetraton might be “vaginism”, you might want to look that up [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus).
I think you should go to therapy. There’s something deeper happening and reddit it’s not the place to get that type of help. It can be related to toir past relationship or some trauma, sometimes minds work in weird ways and you aren’t even conscious about it. Please seek professional help.
See a therapist. There’s something blocking you that seems way beyond typical experience. A professional should be able to help. I’m glad you are starting to get this solved! Sex is a wonderful thing
I think there’s a direct link between what happened when you were 18 and what’s happening now. you’re absolutely right with your observation that you feel that sex is expected so that you can be loved Your boyfriend coerced you into having sex with the threat of leaving you. Yes, you consented, but it was consent under pressure and therefore not true consent because you didn’t want to have sex because you felt that you were ready and you thought you’d enjoy it, you just wanted to have sex so you didn’t want to lose him. There’s this saying my sex ed teacher used to say which is “99 no’s and 1 yes is not consent” because that 1 yes is not the person finally wanting it, but rather giving into the pressure because they want to appease their partner. The lack of proper consent also makes it sexual assault that you experienced, especially considering that you felt that much pain. (Also, did your boyfriend keep going while you were in pain??? Bc that’s really messed up) I’m really sorry that happened to you. I’d definitely try to talk to a therapist about it.
It’s really cool that you’re comfortable in your current relationship and feel loved! But do you see how like you mentally shutting down (anxiety, crying, loss of arousal, maybe also the blackouts) could be a result of your past experiences? It’s like your mind is trying to prevent you from being hurt again because it associates sex with this really horrible experience you had before. Please don’t try to force yourself to feel comfortable with this, it won’t help. You need to feel really safe and unconditionally loved from your partner. It might help to go slower, make sure you feel calm, really emphasize that YOU have control in this situation. You can ask your bf to say “can I do this?” or something when he wants to touch you somewhere because it would probably help convince your mind that this is different from that other time. And just in general, try to breathe and stay calm, maybe you two can make some jokes to keep the mood light. (Also: professional help would be really good. Like therapy as mentioned before but if that’s not possible, you can look at some resources for survivors of sexual assault online.) And most of all be patient with yourself and don’t beat yourself up if you feel anxious or like you need to cry. It sounds like your boyfriend is really caring and i hope things go well for you.