Hi,
My Girlfriend and I been together for 4.5 years. We are college sweethearts. Last year we moved to a new city and began our post college life together. Things were going damn near perfect dare I say. She even informed me that this is the happiest she’s ever been. This year we taken two vacations to Vegas and Mexico. In June, once again she informs me that things are going damn near perfect. Even talked about marriage, kids, etc. I even began planning how I would propose to her next year in 2023. She’s my best friend ever. Things just seemed so good and then August happened…and thus this nightmare started.
We got into an argument and wasn’t on the best of terms due to it. She mentioned emotional disconnect. That I don’t do this and that for her. So I asked and researched how to re-build connection in a long term relationship because I’m aware of the 5-7 year inch. However I did not like the fact she said I did nothing for her. I got her on my entire insurance plan(for her medical history), got her a lawyer(speeding tickets), and even showed her the world because I know she always wanted to travel. I also play the role of friend alongside boyfriend as she doesn’t have many friends. Anything she dreams of, I’m working on ways to make her dreams a reality. I even helped her mother from time to time. She stated I’m not the most aggresive male(unless it’s in bed) and I get that. Because I’m not. And that I’m not solution based when it comes to arguments. So I’ve been working on that as well. I strongly believe in fighting for the person you love even when there is no fight to be had.
In the midst of all of this, her ex(25M) from highschool text (what great timing) her. Now everytime she talked about her ex in the past it’s been nothing but negative stuff such as how bad he is in bed, how he a bum, and more. Also she has not seen her ex in 5 years and they dated 7 years ago. Almost a decade. He text her and soften her up mentioning deaths in the family. Then suddenly he proclaims his love for her. Keep in mind he has his own girlfriend. Him and his girlfriend I guess breaks up due to the fact his girlfriend saw the messages between my girlfirend and him. In these messages she emotionally cheated on me by saying she is confused about me. And that hurt me deeply. A pain I never felt before. I felt betrayed and humiliated. Pride and ego bruised. I did so much for her and she did this to me. I wanted to work pass it and work things out. However we broke up. She said she still confused about me. She told me I would be the perfect father, husband, and “on paper” I’m the perfect guy. However she just wants to be certain before she makes such a commitment. In this she mentioned maybe exploring other people but I come to noticed she really mean just her ex. I told her I’m willingly to work this out. That I’m the best for her and she’s the best for me. She still mentions being emotionally detached from me but she agreed that we can compromise. We can explore other people(even though I honestly don’t want to. I want her only. I only see her) and after a few months see how we feel and go from there.
She did admit she has feelings for her ex. She doesn’t know if these are new feelings or her old feelings. But feelings are feelings. She said her ex reminded her of her old hobbies such as music. Something that made me upset as I told her to enjoy her old hobbies such as music. When he told her she started listening to music more. When I told her(back in early-August) she yelled at me for implying she doesn’t have hobbies. That hurt my feelings honestly. My girlfriend has a hard time letting go of the past(bring up old mistakes, old friend groups, etc) and I feel like this is another example because you ready to throw your “perfect” life away with me for someone you openly talked bad about? For someone who don’t even live in same timezone as you? What am I doing wrong? It’s been almost a decade and your feelings for your ex return the moment he text you? Even though he put you into drama with his now ex girlfriend? Another example of not letting go is the fact she told me she miss college me. She say she likes me best when I’m drunk because that reminds her of college me. I know I’m 23 but I’ve always been told I act older than what I am. She said drunk me is unapologetically myself and fun. I’m guessing post college I stopped being as fun as it’s not a daily thing like it was in college. She told me she doesn’t think her ex is better than me. She just confused on life right now. I guess his role is easier because all he has to do is respond to text. I have to live with her, deal with and handle her stress/problems, handle my own problems, take care of the bills, and live life with her one day at the time. I’m not trying to be funny or classist but he wants to be a rapper. I’m a Computer Scientist. We’re not the same. But I guess the wannabe rapper took my girl from me so maybe I should hush. It just seems like she got the life she wanted but maybe with the wrong person.
The problem is we live together. She doesn’t have money to move out and we literally re-newed our lease in July. I had to remove pictures of us from the apartment because looking at them made me cry. I cried everyday in August and so far in September. It hurts sometimes hearing her laugh knowing she texting him. It hurts that despite everything I still want to fight for us to be together. Even told a joke to my homeboy that maybe I should do what her ex did and wait 5 years since that seems to work. It hurts that when I cry she feels bad/guilty and start feeling obligated to love me. Because of that I hold my tears until she leaves the house. In this compromise I even told her I will give her space during the week and talk to her more on the weekends. Am I torturning myself? Why am I not good enough for her? I got a nice job, treat her well, made her dreams come true, support all of her goals, went against my family for her(my family was in the wrong), currently in therapy to become a better me, and even financially supported her as she doesn’t pay rent as she’s getting her Masters and I want her to focus on that. I just love this woman so much. Love her more than I love my own family. Was really exciting to be building a future with her. Just so broken down now. Haven’t decided on the insurance thing. However I told her I will never make her life harder intentionally. As all I want to do is make her smile and have a happy life.
**TLDR:**
In a Love Triangle with My Girlfriend, Her Ex, and Myself. Am I playing myself doing participating in this trying to win her love? We live together and her ex is in a whole different timezone.
5 comments
Bro she’s not good enough for you. Leave and build a better life for yourself with someone deserving of your love
Sounds like you’ve emotionally matured, and she hasn’t. Which, that happens, people grow apart. So now that you’ve broken up, it sounds like its time for her to grow up as well. So now, what you need to do, is take care of you.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your girlfriend has had doubts/been more unhappy than she actually expressed to you, which makes this development with the ex-boyfriend even more of a slap in the face because it seemed to come out of nowhere.
It seems to hurt you too much to keep living together. If you have a two-bedroom, one of you can stay and find a roommate to replace the other. If it’s a one-bedroom, ask your landlord what the penalties are for breaking your lease, or whether you can find another tenant to take it over. This is not a fun process, but it sounds like it will be healthier for you if you and she were physically separated.
First things first. Get rid of her asap, and cut off all ties. You are a CS, you’ll figure out a way to deal with the lease etc. Every other day you spend with her you are humiliating and traumatizing yourself more and it will be way harder for you to recover.
Second, you have made all possible mistakes with her, which predictably led you to your current place. And your head is still full of wrong ideas. There is a book called The Passion Paradox, go read it. The point is that when you invest yourself (emotionally, financially, actionably) into a person, her value for you immensely grows. But not your value for her, contrary to what you may have thought. You have made her life perfect, while she hasn’t been investing anything into you. Consequently the balance of value has become hugely skewed in her favor. She has subconsciously come to believe that if you have been investing so heavily into her, without her reciprocating, you must not be valuable yourself, and she can do better. Besides, a man with perceived low value is not attractive physically to a girl. She stopped feeling butterflies towards you and looks for them elsewhere.
When I talk about “value”, I don’t mean finances or nice job or whatever. I mean perceived sexual value that makes a person decide if they are interested to be with you. It happens on emotional level and no amount of your rationalization to her can make it change. You either exhibit attractive manly traits or you just “don’t get it”.
Another your wrong idea is “fighting for relationship”. Relationship can be either easy and fun, or none. Once you think you have to fight for it, or work hard for it, it’s already over. Only drama may follow.
It’s never your job to try to maintain the relationship. To put it bluntly, the woman is more interested in the relationship, while the man is more interested in sex. If you are a valuable man, you have no problem finding another woman for sex, while it’s hard for a woman to find a man suitable for a relationship. Girls pick this vibe from you and invest themselves to make you happy and so that you do not look elsewhere. If she doesn’t invest into the relationship, it means she doesn’t see value in it, and if so, good riddance. You aren’t losing in both cases, so you should not be worried or “fight for it”. If the roles are reversed and the man begins to “fight for relationship”, it only proves his low value and he becomes really repulsive.
Another mistake is try to rationalize to her that you are better than the other guy. As I said, desire is not negotiable, no amount of ratio will change her emotions, and is actually working even worse against you. It’s like when a salesman sells you something really hard you can’t help but think that the item must not be that good if he puts in so much effort. The only way to win a love triangle is to never enter it and leave immediately when it appears.
Finally, forget about “winning her back” or taking her back. This never works, especially given the circumstances. If you try, here is what’s going to happen. She will try with her ex again, quickly realize / remember that he wasn’t that good and that her life quality now is not as good as it was with you, then she will crawl back to you confessing endless love. You take her back (another humiliation for you), but her respect for you is gone, she still feels the same low value of you. And it’s only a matter of time when another better option appears on the horizon who will give her butterflies. She will go, leaving your ego and self-esteem shattered. You will spend years recovering, just to become able to be happy again. Don’t fall into this trap.
Analyze your mistakes and move on. Good luck!
I’m really sorry this is happening to you.
I went through a similar thought process when my ex emotionally cheated on me.
I kept wanting to do the best for her, and we gradually downgraded from us being an option again in the future, to us being FWB, to us remaining friends, to now where we’re not even in contact anymore and she’s (far as I know) happy with the other guy.
Your relationship is over at this point. It sucks, but it is how it is.
She’s already somewhere else and not invested in you.
She probably likes that you’re still around, meaning if things don’t work out with the ex she has you to fall back on.
Even if it goes that way she’s probably gonna do it again with the ex or someone else.
She’s looking for a safe way out of your relationship. And she’s probably been looking for a while.
The thing with the ex is no coincidence, these things don’t just happen. Even if he texted out of nowhere, she chose to pursue it further.
I’m sorry but what you need to do is start detaching from her. That’s what she’s doing with you. She’s on her way out.
Take care of yourself first. Don’t worry about her she’ll be fine on her own (or with her ex).
Try looking into getting out of the lease. Talk to your landlord. Some places if you find a replacement tenant you can break the lease early.
Take all the stuff you paid for from the apartment. Separate your finances if you haven’t.
If you have friends or family you can stay with until you get a new place. Do it.
You need distance from her to be able to think clearly.
I’m telling you from experience. Sometimes you don’t see how shitty a person is treating you when you’re living with them.