Boyfriend and I have been together for the better part of 3 years, we’ve never had an active sex life during that time due to incompatibilities, libidos, anxieties, etc. We’ve talked it out over a dozen times at this point, about the problems we have, what we expect and want, and while some things have gotten better, I think the biggest issue for me still remains the lack of passion and enthusiasm.
I’ve only slept with two people in my life, my ex and my current boyfriend, and when I was with my ex sex was actually something I enjoyed. We were both virgins at the time we started dating so everything was new and exciting, and we got to explore new things together.
With my current boyfriend though, it’s never been like that. Even from the first time, he never seemed all that excited, which I learned was from anxiety at first, but also just his personality. He’s such a serious, logical person most of the time, definitely not emotional or impulsive, and he’s somewhat the same in bed.
I could never tell if that was due to his sexual experience being far more than mine, maybe over time sex just got samey and boring, while I was still relatively new to it. But I guess a lot of new couples still have a honeymoon period of sex right? We’ve never had that. It’s always felt like a test, like he already knew what he wanted while I was still figuring it out, I felt like I had to be perfect but never was. He’s always seemed to be about as excited to have sex with me as he is to do laundry, and I’m really starting to feel like, no matter what we figure out, this is going to be a problem.
I’ve told him how I feel, and sometimes he does try to be more eager and giving, but I can tell he’s faking it and just acting like that for me, and it just makes me feel bad because I wish it was genuine. I’m so self conscious and anxious I need a partner that’s genuinely enthusiastic to be with me and seems genuinely into me, but I’ve never felt like that with my boyfriend.
I really don’t know what to do. I mean we’ve dated without sex for this long, it’s obvious it’s not a huge part of our relationship I really don’t want to break up over this, especially since I’m not that big on sex anyway, it’s mainly something I do for the sake of being close with my partner, but if I’m going to do it I’d rather enjoy it.
But passion really isn’t just something you can fix is it? I can’t just change him into something he’s not, but I also can’t go on trying to have sex only to get a lukewarm reaction. I know a lot of sex lives lose some of the excitement over time? How do they keep going?
2 comments
> But passion really isn’t just something you can fix is it?
Correct. You will never change his personality. You can ask him to adapt his *behaviour*, but his personality will remain the same.
> I know a lot of sex lives lose some of the excitement over time? How do they keep going?
By strategically preserving some of the initial spark.
If that spark was never to begin with, it naturally cannot be preserved either.
Peach is correct as usual. If you want somebody to be aggressive and take you over and ravage you and go completely nuts for you, he’s not the guy. You’re never going to put that square peg into the round hole, so to speak. I’m sure the guy you want is out there, and the sooner you can both move on to more compatible partners the better it will be for both of you.