I’m (25F) moving out my parents home in a month and I’m very ready and excited. I’ve been working hard to save, prepare my budget, find/secure/furnish my apartment, whole shebang.
I told my parents last Christmas about my goal to move out and when I was gonna do it (this month). They’ve even went with me on apartment tours a few times. (Which…they kinda inserted themselves into that process too, but they’ve always been the overprotective type and I knew it’d ease their minds, so I let them tag along.)
With tour guides quoting rent prices and pamphlets passed around, I know they’ve seen the running price for apartments these days. When I got my job a year ago, they asked my salary. I told them. After working for a few months, they asked how much I had in savings. I told them. When they learned I was moving and asked if I’m financially ready to move out, I said I am. (And it’s true, my budget is comfortable.)
So, fast-forward to this day, when my dad took me out on a lunch date today, just me and him. We had a good time, and on the way home, we passed some expensive-looking apartments and my dad said, “Wow, I bet those are super expensive. By the way, how much is the rent at your place?”
So. Along this year-long process, I’ve been realizing in more ways than one that I’ve been slightly enmeshed with my parents, and as an adult, I want to start putting some distance between us. So instead of answering right out this time, I kind of hesitated. A, “Oh, I can handle the rent there” kind of thing, which took him aback.
Then he said, “I guess you don’t have to tell us, but it’s not a big deal, no need to hide it. And you know, and your mom and I tell you everything about our finances.” (Which they do.) So I told him my rent. Then he said, “Yeah, I know you were hesitant at first, and yes, I don’t want you to get in the habit of telling people your finances, so it’s up to you how you tell your mom. You know she might be offended a bit, though.”
So I did just that, when she eventually asked and not telling her. And she reacted as he said.
I know telling them how much my rent is not a big deal, so maybe I overreacted by holding back.
TL;DR Parents ask about my finances and after telling them a lot, I held back on disclosing my rent. Should I just get over it and tell?
7 comments
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It’s very normal to carve out more privacy when you move out, and you can decide how much to disclose. It sounds like your parents are overprotective and maybe a bit overbearing, so it’ll be an adjustment for everyone. It’ll be hard for them to not know the ins and outs of your life as much when you’re not under their roof, but that’s growing up.
You’ll find your footing with them again, it’ll just take some time.
Of course you don’t have to tell them but perhaps they wanted to pay your first month’s rent for you.
If you don’t feel comfortable disclosing your rent/salary/savings balance you don’t have to and if you feel like they will keep pushing you can either give them fake numbers or just flat out say no
I would hold the boundaries that matter. Not telling your rent, when they’ve been out on apartment visits with you and you’ve shared all your financial information with them previously, seems an unnatural line. Now that you’ve moved out and aren’t in each other’s day-to-day anymore, you may find that you just naturally have more distance, you won’t feel as pressured to draw arbitrary lines, there will be more actual lines for you to enforce (do they like to drop by unannounced, for example?…).
Time to keep your finances to yourself, it is none of their business.
I think it would be good to spend some time thinking about what boundaries would feel comfortable for you, and planning out a bit in advance how to handle their reactions. For example, if they say something like “we tell you our finances,” you could consider saying “that is a decision that you made as adults, and it might be where I land, too, but right now I want to spend some time making my own path.” The way your parents do things might legit be something you decide you are comfortable with later. But right now, you’re doing it because it’s the way your parents do things, and this is the time for you to figure out your own lifestyle, level of information sharing, etc.