So my boyfriend(M24) and I(F24) have been dating for around a year. It’s been pretty great, we love eachother, and I really think he’s a great guy. Very sweet and sensitive. When we first began talking, he told me he was not working currently, and I asked him if it was because of COVID and he said yes. It made sense to me because at the time I wasn’t working because of COVID as well. I asked him what jobs he has worked in the past and he said meaningless jobs like retail. I didn’t press further and he changed the subject. He also told me he graduated high school but never went to college. He has had depression for a long time and he says both these subjects (job and education, or furthering his life, “growing up” etc) depress him as he feels like a failure. I have had my fair share of bad grades, failing school and shitty jobs so I know where he comes from and do not judge.
Yesterday we were with his parents and they mentioned that he had gone to a particular school until he was 15. I thought it was kind of weird, but didn’t think much of it as he lived in a different country at the time and thought maybe the school system was different- I also know he went to multiple schools. Later on when we were in the city, I pointed to a store he told me he had worked for and said “oh is that the one you worked in?” And he said “yeah” and then quickly changed the subject.
About 10 minutes after this, he tells me he had lied earlier and didn’t ever work at this store. He told me he has never had a job in his life. I wasn’t super shocked because he had always been sort of vague about his work history. I then ask him about school (thinking back to what his mom had said) and he told me he had never graduated high school either. What had happened was he started skipping school a lot (would take the bus to school but just take the city bus back when his parents were at work) when he was 15 so his parents made him go to a special school for kids that struggle, and he went for two years until he just refused to go back. I think for a long time he had just planned to kill himself so he didn’t see the point in going to school or getting a job. He also is not from a bad family or neighborhood, he would skip school to play video games alone. His parents and siblings are all very successful in their field but for some reason, due to his depression, he was never able to be like them.
I was pretty accepting of this information, but what made me mad is that he had lied to me for so long. It’s out of his character to lie, but I told him these are two pretty big things to lie about, so what else could he be hiding? He told me he hasn’t lied about anything else, and that he only lied about this at the beginning of our relationship because he was so embarrassed by it and then it wasn’t brought up again until recently. He thought I would completely stop talking to him if I knew the truth and that he’s very embarrassed by his lack of effort in his life.
Now that I’m deeper in the relationship and love him, I don’t care if he has never had a job or a high school diploma (however these are probably things I would have cared about at the beginning of the relationship), I’m mostly just mad he lied. I’m also scared that if we develop the relationship further, what if he continues to show no effort in his life and I have to take care of him like a second mom.He is currently in a program to help him with his depression and it’s been going really well and he has been seeing a lot of improvement. The program is also helping him seek out job opportunities (or schooling, although I don’t think he’ll take that route).
Where do I go from here?
6 comments
If you want to build a future with him, honesty and education are two subjects you should be critical about, unless you wish to take care of a lying loser. It’s not too late for him to get his GED and go to (community) college or learn a trade, but his lack of willingness to invest in his independence and education worries me. I think you should give the program a chance, but do take off those rose-colored glasses that make red flags look like flags. Depression is not an excuse, but sadly, some people abuse their diagnoses.
I don’t think lying about this stuff is too bad it’s prolly a huge insecurity to have and very understandable and you should be happy he’s opening up to you about it. But to be a parent about the situation it hard to see a future with someone that hasn’t at least got a GED cuz he’s have a hard time finding work and money is the root of all problems
He can still go and get a GED and even a college degree at his age. The issue here is that he’s 24 years old and never worked a day in his life. No fast food job, no retail, no paper boy. It’s about the fact his support system has allowed that to happen. He’s a man child and his mom or their housekeeper probably washes his underwear still daily. Who’s paying for all your dates or your gifts? Yes the lying is a big issue but the people around him were in on the lies. If they kept all this up till 24 when will it end?
My advice for him would be for him to seek medical help on executive dysfunction which is essentially what you describe. It is not uncommon with ADHD and related disorders.
Depression which you mention is often a side effect of undiagnosed/untreated disorders like ADHD/ASD. And the lying is a sign of guilt and having been shamed for the way his brain fails him at times.
A proper diagnosis could really be helpful and free him of a lot of the guilt for feeling like a failure, which on it’s own might help him. The diagnosis may also open up the option of medication and specific programmes for someone with neurodiversity issues.
The program you describe may help him, but I often find that if these programs are targeted for a non-neurodiverse people. If that’s the case there’s a risk of a program like this making things worse, increasing the emotions of shame and guilt and causing social anxiety.
For you as a partner, you should be concerned but if you want to care and help him also try not to shame him or make him feel judged. If this is hard on you, it is probably even harder on him, giving he well feel that he let you down. For you to help him, this is a good time to show you can be non-judgmental and establishing that he can come to you with anything he feels.
I’ve been through what I describe above and found it really helpful to be asked to structure my emotions with a chart like [https://tomdrummond.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Emotion-Feelings.pdf](https://tomdrummond.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Emotion-Feelings.pdf). If for instance your BF says he is depressed and you can establish if that’s because he feels guilty or is grieving something, it’s really starting a conversation/relationship of trust and opening up.
You say you want to sit this out with him. So My advice is to give him time, but also don’t allow him to retain the status quo. If he is not open to understand himself more, then it will be unlikely he will change his behaviours or build the trust that you should request from him.
He was most likely insecure about it and made it up. When going into a relationship it makes sense for him to lie about his education and work history – it would be major flag for some if he hadn’t had at least one job at that age.
As long as he is taking these steps to better himself it shows a commitment to change.
Your relationship was a lie, is a lie.