We have a fantastic relationship. I really love us. He’s my best friend. We were friends for years prior to dating. We are good co parents. When we fight, we fight fair. We always thank each other for the little things, which goes a long way … thx for making dinner. Thx for taking out the garbage. Thx for walking the dog. Thx for taking care of bed time.
The sex is usually fantastic as well, hands down the best I’ve ever had. I’m still wildly attracted to him after all this time and I’m confident it’s mutual.
We trust each other 1000%. My ex husband cheated on me and it’s nothing like that, zero signs. We will openly discuss celebrity crushes etc – no jealousy or animosity.
But the romance is lacking. And he never says I love you. I could live without the romance (“wine & roses”). But I still struggle without hearing “I love you” more often. Not even after giving birth did he say it … says it to his family (family of origin) all the time. Says it to our kids plenty (thankfully).
We have discussed it. Love language and words of affirmation. He says he says it to his family because he doesn’t see them a lot. And he basically says I know he loves me, he thinks saying it all the time cheapens it. I feel like he only ever says it anymore when I’m really upset about it and mention it. And then he makes a gorgeous profession that hits the spot – but I hate it gets to that point. He may occasionally put it in writing like a Mother’s Day card. Verbally saying -spontaneously, without prompting- is prob less than once/year.
I know part of the problem is me and I am trying to work through it. Major self esteem issues. Some childhood trauma in terms of my own family of origin … father never said it to me. Complicated relationships with my mother. Autopilot say it in our family. But I’m the black sheep and I’ve always had different needs. Plus trauma from my first marriage. None of this is his problem so I try to consider that.
Sometimes we will have mind blowing sex and it’s on the tip of my tongue and I stop myself. Or I say it but regret it especially because 98% of the time it goes unreturned. And it bothers me I’m now inhibited but it’s even worse to say it without it returned.
Besides my pathological need to be loved and have approval, I don’t know why I can’t get over it. He seems to think his entire life is a love letter to me, everything he does is out of love for me and our kids, and that should be enough.
Is it me? Is it him? Insight? Advice?
Please no “leave him” suggestions. I’m looking to fix this or find peace with it.
TL; DR: fantastic marriage except husband never says I love you.
5 comments
It is very natural to hear I love you from your partner, feel loved and cherished. I am surprised how you can have a mind blowing sex with the husband who said I love you.
He doesn’t say it either so i stopped saying it too. It’s been like a year plus.
Everyone has different love languages. I am high on words of affirmation, my husband is not. I’ve learned to hear I love you through his actions, which are wonderful
I grew up never knowing people tell each other they love you all the time. I never heard my grandparents say it. I never heard my mother say it to any of her 6 million boyfriends or my stepdad.
Quite frankly my 1st serious GF had to teach me how to express myself.
And then we don’t see it in society much. Many of grew up watching the infamous scene:
Her “I Love You”
Him: “I know”
(Empire Strikes Back if you didn’t get the reference).
Or the movie Greece when Sandy tries to reconnect with Danny, but he represses his true feelings because he doesn’t want to look uncool in front of his friends. An entire movie about only females get to have feelings and guys have to repress them.
Many of us men are just taught from an early age to hide our feelings. Real Men don’t cry we’re told. So we now we can’t express joy, because to express joy means we might also feel pain, and we can’t feel pain, because that might lead to crying and well, we can’t cry or we lose our manhood. Or so we’re told from a young age.
So just say it, say it often. Let it flow from your lips. Let him hear that it’s ok to say such things.
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